Jokes

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in. Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman? A: Stage makeup. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light … Читать далее

Signs you’ve got a bad christmas tree 8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 7. Salesman’s opening line: «You’re not a cop, are you?» 6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers 5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride. … Читать далее

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. «Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?» he asked. «An arrow?» the confused driver said. «I didn’t even see the Indians

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn’t read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, «Madam, I … Читать далее

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over … Читать далее

Acute: Opposite of an ugly Artery: The study of paintings Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria Barium: What doctors do to dead patients Benign: What you are after you’re eight. Bowel: Letter like A, E, I, O, or U Cat scan: Searching for a kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in … Читать далее

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh Never have a white Christmas When you in Melbourne live Wearing hot pants on the beach When you your presents give Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his … Читать далее

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named «Clint», and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, «You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?» … Читать далее

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. «Is there something in particular I can show you?» he asked. «Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.» «You mean a sectional sofa,» he suggested. «Sectional schmectional.» she bitterly retorted. «All I want is an occasional piece in … Читать далее

Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: «It’s 11 o’clock do you know where your children are? In England they say «Its 11 o’clock do you know where your wife is? In France they say «It’s 11o’clock do you know where your husband is?» In Poland they say Its 11 o’clock … Читать далее

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, «Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?» «No,» says Carlos. Armando asks, «Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?» «No,» says Carlos. «Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so … Читать далее

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if … Читать далее

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, «Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!» One banana turns to the other banana and says, «Do you believe that shit?»

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, … Читать далее

Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» … Читать далее

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer’s stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, «Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your … Читать далее

From one of Tom Clancy’s books: Commanding officer: «Alright! How about an attitude check???» Crew (In Unison): «I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!» CO: «Now, let’s be more positive…» Crew: «I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!» CO: «OK, How about a negative attitde check…» Crew: «I DON’T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!» CO: «OK, How about a … Читать далее

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.» The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar. One said, «Heard ya went to the big city Jeb.» His friend replied, «Yep. Even tried me out one of those ‘loose women’ ya always hear about.» «You don’t say.» said the first man. «Bet that was costly.» «Nope.» Jeb smirked. … Читать далее

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me … Читать далее

Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation’s (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies Gore: (G)ennifer’s (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise Gore: (G)reatly … Читать далее

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. «Why did you do that?» the soldier was asked by his superior officer. «I know where he lives,» he replied, «and he wouldn’t have made it.»

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that … Читать далее

What kind of soda must you not drink? Ответ: Baking soda. —————————————— What part of your body has the most rhythm? Ответ: Your eardrums. —————————————— How does Mother Earth fish? Ответ: With North and South Poles! —————————————— Where is the ocean the deepest? Ответ: On the bottom. —————————————— Where is the best place to see … Читать далее

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the … Читать далее

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. «What are they doing, Grandma?» asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, «The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.» They’re … Читать далее

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at … Читать далее

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital. «Well, Doc,» he inquired anxiously, «is he going to make it?» «It’s tough,» said the doctor. «He’d … Читать далее

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, «I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed.» Being quick on the uptake the second one says, » … Читать далее

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, «If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?» «That’s correct», responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand … Читать далее

One day God called the Pope, and he said «John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion». The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, … Читать далее

At the Doctor’s… — A young woman said to her doctor, «You have to help me, I hurt all over.» «What do you mean?» said the doctor. — The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, «Ow, that hurts.» — Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, «Ouch! That … Читать далее

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride’s father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. «The weddin’s off,» he shouted, «Everybody bugger off!» Dismayed and … Читать далее

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. «How about some perfume?» he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. «That’s a bit much,» said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. «Thats … Читать далее

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife … Читать далее

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, «Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her … Читать далее

You might be a redneck if… There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his … Читать далее

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. «There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die … Читать далее

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis’ in a snow bank. Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, «Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis’ away.» The tallest altar boy turns around and … Читать далее

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, «Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.» «What happened?» asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, «My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went … Читать далее

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man … Читать далее

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity. Well, I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. … Читать далее

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a … Читать далее

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As … Читать далее

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, «How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?» Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him … Читать далее

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: «Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult — I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. «Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was … Читать далее

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they bunked down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his friend. «Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.» Watson replied, «I see millions … Читать далее

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa’s doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied «Oh well, if she dies, I’ll just get myself another one.»

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, «You look terrible. What’s the problem?» «My mother died in June,» he said, «and left me $10,000.» «Gee, that’s tough,» he replied. «Then in July,» the friend continued, «My father died leaving me $50,000.» «Wow. Two … Читать далее