Jokes

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker. People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick! We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips … Читать далее

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; «You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn’t like the … Читать далее

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, «Hey, bud, this is my car!» «OK,» the … Читать далее

15> Angelfish Cake 14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye 13> Chow Chow Mein 12> Bran Muffy 11> Eggs BenjiDict 10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes [ This … Читать далее

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab 10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. 9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, «Does this taste funny to you?» 8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as «KKK.» 7. … Читать далее

I admitted to my friend that I hadn’t had sex for a while. My friend reassured me that I won’t forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle. I know it’s been a while, but I don’t ever remember pedaling…

One day a wife complained, «This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.» The husband grunted and replied, «The darn clock always was slow.»

«Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?» inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. «Why, no Father,» answered the nun demurely, «It’s just a little gas.» A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her … Читать далее

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: «Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.» «His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.» «I would not allow this employee to breed.» «This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of … Читать далее

How Smart Are You? —————— 20 Correct — Genius 17 Correct — Above Normal 15 Correct — Normal 8 Correct — Nincompoop 6 Correct — Moron 3 Correct — Idiot QUESTIONS 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 … Читать далее

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn’t figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick … Читать далее

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked «Can i help you sir?» Our man said «Yes, I would like to change my name.» «What is your current name?» asked the clerk. «Martin Arsehole,» replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said «I … Читать далее

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, «I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. «Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.» The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. «Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,» the medic said. «Now … Читать далее

A MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because «alarm didn’t work». 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while «enjoying» favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at … Читать далее

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. «Oh honey», said the young nymph, «Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?» «No», said the old man, «It means you can take your pick.»

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, «How is it that you know so much about baseball?» She says, «Well, I … Читать далее

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. «Our flag symbolizes our taxes,» he said. «We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.» «That’s the same … Читать далее

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks … Читать далее

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, «All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.» The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, «Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?» Johnny … Читать далее

Embarrassing moments The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine. 1)»While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from … Читать далее

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, … Читать далее

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. «Now don’t let me ever see your face again,» said the … Читать далее

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, «Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?» The priest says, «Because I’m a father.» Johnny says, «Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.» The priest says «You don’t understand, son. I … Читать далее

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour., Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth … Читать далее

Monica Lewinsky’s tell-all book about her affair with the U. S. President has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News. To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the Lewinksy book had three other titles … Читать далее

«What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam?» said her closest friend. «Well,» Pam confirmed, «although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.»

A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the … Читать далее

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the … Читать далее

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad. He says, «I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.» «Well » says Chelsea, «you could throw … Читать далее

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can’t come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come … Читать далее

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said, «I’m sorry I’m late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?» «I would like nothing … Читать далее

«I was in a very generous mood today,» a woman says to her friend. «I gave a poor beggar $25.» «Thats a lot of money to give away,» says her friend. «What did your husband say?» «He said, ‘Thank you’. «

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He’d wanted to be buried at sea. «Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we … Читать далее

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come … Читать далее

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20′ behind her and asked «Can you hear me sweetheart»?. No reply. Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply. 5′ and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked «Can you hear me now honey»? His wife said «For the … Читать далее

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes … Читать далее

Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… «I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.» His buddy replies, «Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, … Читать далее

If Wang made toasters… Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more … Читать далее

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: «What are doing here with a dog?» Bernie: «The dog came here to pray.» «Oh, come … Читать далее

Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: … Читать далее

Three college students were rapping about who they’d like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. «Never heard of her.» his companions protested. «Who is she?» «Why she’s just the greatest Italian gal of all, … Читать далее

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says «Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!» The man looks at the vet and says «The dog can’t speak». The vet says to the man «I was talking to YOU. The dog, s dead!!! Sent by Peter

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he’ll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: «Go stand on the corner for … Читать далее

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, «You know, I was a fool when I married you.» The wife simply sighed and replied, «Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn’t really notice.»

Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says: «Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, «please pass the salt,» but instead I said, «You god damn bitch, you ruined … Читать далее

What animal uses a nutcracker? Ответ: A toothless squirrel! —————————————— What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school? Ответ: A pet degree. —————————————— What is the best way to catch a squirrel? Ответ: Climb a tree and act like a nut. —————————————— What dog never barks no matter what you do to him? … Читать далее

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank … Читать далее

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. «What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?» «It’s mean!», the boy sniffed, «My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!» «That’s … Читать далее

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the … Читать далее

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, «A penny for your thoughts.» The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, «Well, I was thinkin’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a … Читать далее