Humor about Dumb Irishmen

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1. Jokes about Dumb IrishmenThe blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. ... Читать далее...
2. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the ... Читать далее...
3. Humor about Drunk IrishmenA man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor ... Читать далее...
4. Humor about the IrishmenThere is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He’d wanted to be buried at sea. «Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we ... Читать далее...
5. Best advice possibleTaylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, «You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.» After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where ... Читать далее...
6. A tough case was being argued in courtA tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. «The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!» «I don’t think so,» his attorney told him. «I sent it in ... Читать далее...
7. A judge asked a defendant to please standA judge asked a defendant to please stand. «You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.» From out in the audience a man shouted, «Lying bastard!» «Silence in the court!», the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, «You are also charged with killing a ... Читать далее...
8. At night court, a man was brought in and setAt night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, «State your name, occupation, and the charge.» The defendant said, «I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.» The judge winced and said, «Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!»...
9. Humor about St. Patrick’s DayPaddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Paddy asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» Paddy replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
10. Serving on a JurySamantha: How was your first day on a Jury? Jinho: It was okay. The Judge swore us in and then we listened to the beginning of the Prosecutor’s case. Two Witnesses testified. Samantha: That sounds exciting! I’d love to be on a jury. Why didn’t they Sequester you? That’s what they do on TV. Jinho: ... Читать далее...
11. Stupid people stories 02Stupid people DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the ... Читать далее...
12. A nun arrives at the local barJohn was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. «You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!» Now John ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова judgeJudge — судья; судить, оценивать, порицать Перевод слова Presiding judge — председательствующий судья to judge whether Smith is right or wrong — судить, прав Смит или неправ I judged him to be about 50 — мне показалось, что ему около пятидесяти judge not, that ye be not judged — не судите, да не судимы будете ... Читать далее...
14. A clever court caseOne evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, «I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with her.» To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning ... Читать далее...
15. Funny Humor about the IrishThis is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of ... Читать далее...
16. Drunk orders himself a beerA man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink — he could ... Читать далее...
17. Civil War Era humorCivil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN… The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent ... Читать далее...
18. At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 womenAt a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: «Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.» Judge: «Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?» Defendant: «No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn’t know there would be women on the jury. Since ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова paymentPayment — платеж, уплата, оплата Перевод слова Monthly payment — ежемесячный взнос progress payment — поэтапная оплата cash payment — наличный расчет Who is eligible for benefit Payment? Кто вправе получать пособие? A small Payment now will cool his anger down. Небольшая выплата должна его успокоить. He never received an acknowledgment of his Payment. Он ... Читать далее...
20. Lawyers on a juryA trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with ... Читать далее...
21. Free drinks for everyoneOne night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: «Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.» So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: «That will be $36.50 please.» The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next ... Читать далее...
22. ViolinQ: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don’t play. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a ... Читать далее...
23. Nicolas Cage on Turning Down ‘Dumb & Dumber,’ Winning Another Oscar and the Movie that Made Him Change His NameWhile promoting «Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence,» the actor discussed his former friendship with Jim Carrey, and why he hated making «Fast Times At Ridgemont High.» Nicolas Cage may be known for his tough-guy roles in action films like Face/Off, Gone in Sixty Seconds and National Treasure. But, if things had gone differently, he may ... Читать далее...
24. The evils of marijuanaA certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, «Used regularly,» he explained, «pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!» «Now wait a minute, professor,» interrupted a student. ... Читать далее...
25. Перевод слова lectureLecture — лекция, нотация, читать лекции Перевод слова Lecture circuit — цикл лекций curtain lecture — выговор, получаемый мужем от жены наедине to deliver lecture — читать лекцию She’s planning to give a series of Lectures on modern art. Она планирует прочитать серию лекций о современном искусстве. What did you get out of his Lecture? ... Читать далее...
26. Clean St. Patrick’s Day HumorIn hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. «Four glasses of ale,» was the reply. «Next?» «Two glasses of whiskey.» «Next?» «One glass of brandy.» «Next?» «A fight.» In West Kerry, the wife commented, «When ... Читать далее...
27. Did you kill the victim?Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!...
28. Перевод слова drunkDrunk — пьяный, опьяненный Перевод слова Blind drunk — мертвецки пьяный to get drunk — напиться, упиться drunk with success — опьяненный успехом Are you Drunk? Ты что, пьян? He was beastly Drunk. Он напился как скотина. We got Drunk on wine. Мы опьянели от вина. Интересные факты Слово также является 3-й формой неправильного глагола...
29. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serveJudge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can’t they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it....
30. Submarine humor & funSubmarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air! — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
31. Great School Humor«I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.» — Groucho Marx 1890-1977 — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
32. Arriving home very drunkA man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: «Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.» The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles ... Читать далее...
33. Humor about Irish MarriagesSome years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving ... Читать далее...
34. I just trying to be helpfulA good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk «do you live here?» «Yep». «Would you like me to help you upstairs?» «Yep». When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked «Is this your floor?» ... Читать далее...
35. A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dogA woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, «I ... Читать далее...
36. A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcutA drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова viewView — вид, пейзаж, осматривать, смотреть Перевод слова A room with a view of the mountains — комната с видом на горы to view a house and grounds — осмотреть дом и участок he is viewed unfavourably — его считают плохим человеком Relax and enjoy the View. Расслабься и наслаждайся видом. The local people Viewed ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод идиомы lesser of two evils, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: lesser of two evils Перевод: меньшее из двух зол Пример: The voters had to choose the lesser of two evils when they had to choose between the two candidates for mayor. Избирателям пришлось выбирать меньшее из двух зол, когда у них стоял выбор между двумя кандидатами в мэры....
39. The local courtroom was packed as testimony beganThe local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been ... Читать далее...
40. Clean Ireland HumorAn English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both ... Читать далее...