Great School Humor
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
– Groucho Marx
1890-1977
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
“He was a dark and stormy knight….”
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
In a survey taken several
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says “Get that gum out of your mouth”, where as the train says “Chew, Chew “.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people.”
(1 оценок, среднее: 5.00 из 5)Related topics:
- A little boy was excited about his first day at school A little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked […]...
- Значение идиомы chew the fat [chew the fat] or [chew the rag] {v. phr.}, {slang} To talk together in an idle, friendly fashion; chat. We used to meet after work, and chew the fat over coffee and doughnuts. The old man would chew the rag for hours with anyone who would join him....
- Winnie The???? “Winnie The????” It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she […]...
- Перевод слова percent Percent – процент Перевод слова Percent by volume – объемный процент accurate within 1 percent – с точностью до 1 процента to overvalue the home by X percent – переоценивать дом на X процентов The value has increased half a Percent. Значение выросло на половину процента. I agree with you a hundred Percent. Я согласен […]...
- Strict school It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”. So she said “There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; […]...
- Перевод слова ninety Ninety – девяносто Перевод слова Ninety houses – девяносто домов ninety times as much – в девяносто раз больше page ninety – девяностая страница ninety-first, ninety-second, etc – девяносто первый, девяносто второй и т. д. I was driving at Ninety kilometres per hour when the front left wheel came off. Я ехал со скоростью 90 […]...
- Humor about the Irishmen There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He’d wanted to be buried at sea. “Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?” “Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we […]...
- Значение идиомы bite off more than one can chew [bite off more than one can chew] {v. phr.}, {informal} To try to do more than you can; be too confident of your ability. He bit off more than he could chew when he agreed to edit the paper alone. He started to repair his car himself, but realized that he had bitten off more […]...
- Humor about Dumb Irishmen The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. “Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the […]...
- Little Johnny comes home from school Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls,” and would his mother,”please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” So johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, […]...
- Little Johnny walks into his primary school Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher “Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?” Johnny “I’m sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday.” Teacher, “Was he burned very bad?” Johnny, “Yes Mam, they don’t fuck around at these crematoriums you know....
- A little boy did not go to school one day A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said “Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull”. “How disgusting” said the teacher “I am sure your father could have done that” “No ma’m, he couldn’t have” said […]...
- While attending a spelling session in school one day While attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB? Darla raises her hand and says “I can, I can” The teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla…” Darla replies…”D-U-M-B” The teacher replies, “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?” Darla replies, “Sure, […]...
- 93% of the Great Barrier Reef is now damaged by coral bleaching A new survey has confirmed pretty much every environmentalist’s worst fears, revealing that 93 percent of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef has already been damaged by coral bleaching. We just have to stop there for a second, because 93 percent!! That means there’s now only 7 percent of this Natural Wonder of the World left intact […]...
- Значение идиомы mouth [mouth] See: BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN ONE’S MOUTH, BUTTERWOULDN’T MELT IN ONE’S MOUTH, BY WORD OF MOUTH, DOWN IN THE DUMPS orDOWN IN THE MOUTH, FOAM AT THE MOUTH, HEART IN ONE’S MOUTH, KEEP ONE’SMOUTH SHUT, LAUGH ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE’S MOUTH, LEAVE A BAD TASTEIN ONE’S MOUTH, LIVE FROM HAND […]...
- Little Johnny was late for school Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, “Why are you late little Johnny?” Johnny replied, “My grandpa got burnt, Miss.” The teacher replied, “I hope it wasn’t too bad.” Then little Johnny said, “Don’t worry, the crematorium doesn’t muck around!”...
- Значение идиомы call down [call down] also [dress down] {v.}, {informal} To scold. Jim was called down by his teacher for being late to class. Mother called Bob down for walking into the kitchen with muddy boots. Compare: CALL ON THE CARPET, CHEW OUT, BAWL OUT, READ THE RIOT ACT....
- The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
- Значение идиомы split the difference [split the difference] {v. phr.}, {informal} To settle a moneydisagreement by dividing the difference, each person giving up half. Bob offered $25 for Bill’s bicycle and Bill wanted $35; they splitthe difference....
- Civil War Era humor Civil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN… The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent […]...
- Learning Self-Defense Teacher: Welcome, everybody, to this Self-defense class. Today, you’ll learn how To size up a situation and how to tell the difference between a Harmless situation and a Threatening one. You’ll also begin to learn some Hand-to-hand combat moves To defend yourselves. Amy: Oh, good. I can’t wait to learn some Martial arts so I […]...
- Значение идиомы half an eye [half an eye] {n. phr.} A slight glance; a quick look. Thesubstitute teacher could see with half an eye that she was going tohave trouble with the class. While Mary was cooking she kept halfan eye on the baby to see that he didn’t get into mischief....
- Television in Great Britain – Телевидение в Великобритании Critics claim that the golden age of television occurred in the 1950’s. Various fads have swept the television scene – e. g. westerns, doctor and lawyer shows, cops-and-robbers series, rural comedies. Sports coverage of baseball, golf and especially professional football is currently in vogue. Late evening talk shows are currently popular. Recently controversies involving television […]...
- Banjo Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that’s not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it. Q: How can you tell the stage you’re playing on is level? A: The banjo player is drooling out of […]...
- Humor about Irish Marriages Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving […]...
- Accordions An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager. Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive? A: Their personalities. Q: What’s the […]...
- School Life – Школьная жизнь (2) Its very important to have good classmates because we spend a lot of time together. There are 28 pupils in our class – 15 boys and 13 girls. They come to our school from different parts of the city because our class is specialized in physics and mathematics. We do a lot also in chemistry, […]...
- Viola Q: What is a chord? A: Three violists playing in unison. Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One. Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. Q: What is the difference between […]...
- Перевод слова difference Difference – различие, разница, несходство Перевод слова Difference of opinion – расхождение во мнениях difference of five pounds – разница в пять фунтов to have a difference with smb. – поспорить с кем-л. It makes no Difference. Какая разница? Can you taste the Difference? Вы можете почувствовать разницу? It makes a vast Difference. Это значительно […]...
- Диалог на английском языке с переводом “Мой любимый школьный предмет (My Favourite School Subject)” По-английски Перевод на русский Martha: Hi, Wendy. How are you? Марта: Привет, Вэнди. Как дела? Wendy: Hi, Martha. I’m fine, thank you. And you? Вэнди: Привет, Марта. Я в порядке, спасибо. Как ты? Martha: I’m very well. I have six lessons today and then I’m free. Марта: Очень хорошо. У меня сегодня шесть уроков, а […]...
- The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.” Timmy: ” I know what it is, it’s an apple.” Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way […]...
- The train has failed A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the […]...
- Clean Ireland Humor An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both […]...
- Traveling by Train Katerina: Hey, Joel. Have you ever traveled by train? Joel: Only once, and that was a long time ago when I lived in Orlando. I’m not even sure where the Train station is in this city. Why do you ask? Katerina: I need to go to San Francisco at the end of May for a […]...
- When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: “I’ll give you a hint. First it’s in your hand, then it’s in your mouth, and then it’s in your tummy.” The teacher smiled and said: […]...
- A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!!” One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. […]...
- We have new babies For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about […]...
- Школьный день/ School Day На английском языке Перевод на русский язык School Day Школьный день My mane is Kate. I want to tell you about one of my school days. I am studying in the 6th form. My class is not very bit. There are only twenty people in my class. There are eight girls and twelve boys. We […]...
- Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he’s never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, “What’s that, Miss?” Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, “That’s what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy.” Tommy thinks for a […]...
- Значение идиомы leave a bad taste in one’s mouth [leave a bad taste in one’s mouth] {v. phr.} To feel a badimpression; make you feel disgusted. Seeing a man beat his horseleaves a bad taste in your mouth. His rudeness to the teacher lefta bad taste in my mouth....