This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night

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1. On their wedding night the husband was so selfOn their wedding night the husband was so self — conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. «That’s thoughtful, darling,» she cooed, «but we’ll need the light if you want to ... Читать далее...
2. Redneck wins lotteryA Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says «I want my $20 million.» To which the man replied, «No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest ... Читать далее...
3. You might be a redneck if 09You might be a redneck if… Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Dom Perignon ... Читать далее...
4. You might be a redneck if 05You might be a redneck if… You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog. You’re an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, «Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!» Your family tree ... Читать далее...
5. You might be a redneck if 10You might be a redneck if… You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are «Howdy!», «HEY!» or «How Y’all Doin’?» (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!) You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You’ve ... Читать далее...
6. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. «Oh honey», said the young nymph, «Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?» «No», said the old man, «It means you can take your pick.»...
7. Planning a WeddingSeamus: What’s that? Cathy: It’s a planning book for our Wedding. Seamus: We aren’t getting married for a year and a half. Cathy: I know, but there are so many things to plan. We have to book the Hall far in advance, you know, and once we Set the date, we have to send out ... Читать далее...
8. Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-oldJake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night. Jake says, «Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted ... Читать далее...
9. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get marriedA middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, «Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.» The startled groom says «How can that be? You’ve been married twice…» The bride responds… ... Читать далее...
10. Going to a WeddingI got an Invitation in the mail last month that really surprised me. My friend Ulrich was getting married! We went to college together and he always said that he’d never get married. I guess he found his Dream girl in the end. The Church wedding was going to be at 3 p. m. and ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова weddingWedding — свадьба Перевод слова Church wedding — венчание members of the wedding — гости на свадьбе penny wedding — свадьба, устраиваемая гостями в складчину When is the Wedding to be? Когда будет свадьба? It’s a video of our Wedding. Это видео нашей свадьбы. He suddenly appeared at the Wedding. Он появился на свадьбе неожиданно....
12. Four married guys go golfingFour married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: «You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.» Second Guy: «That’s nothing, ... Читать далее...
13. You might be a redneck if 02You might be a redneck if… Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it ... Читать далее...
14. One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy barOne night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the — influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat ... Читать далее...
15. Getting marriedJacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: «Are you the owner?» The pharmacist answers, «Yes.» Jacob: ... Читать далее...
16. You might be a redneck if 06You might be a redneck if… Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees. Your baby’s first words are «Attention K-Mart shoppers.» The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from ... Читать далее...
17. My position about weddingSo, speaking about weddings, I would like to mention first that I don’t understand people, who are getting married at the age of 17-20, it’s hideous. Cause they don’t realize that they’ll break their lives by divesting themselves of the greatest years. Cause at that age they all are still children and children can only ... Читать далее...
18. Next US PresidentA redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: «I’d like to become the next President of the United States.» The receptionist: «What are you, an idiot?» Redneck: «Why, is it required?»...
19. A 70-year-old man has never been marriedA 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, «So, tell me, how was it?» «Oh, it was beautiful,» says the man. «The ... Читать далее...
20. Attending an Ex’s WeddingAndy: What did you do last weekend? Yuka: I went to Jamal’s Wedding. Andy: Jamal?! Your Ex Jamal? Yuka: Yes, that Jamal. Andy: He Had the nerve to invite you to his wedding? Yuka: I actually thought it was nice of him to invite me. Whatever happened between us years ago is Water under the ... Читать далее...
21. For their 25th wedding anniversaryFor their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, «This was the most wonderful gift I could have ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова marriedMarried — женатый, брачный Перевод слова Married man — женатый человек married name — фамилия по мужу married couple — супружеская пара So, how do you like Married life? Так, как тебе супружеская жизнь? She Married an Evans. Она вышла замуж за одного из Эвансов. I was Married to my job. Я был женат на ... Читать далее...
23. A staged wedding to bust dealersAs supposedly reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of «a drug kingpin’s daughter», let it be known on the street that dealers were «invited» (i. e. Expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was «S. ... Читать далее...
24. AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTSAVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS: — Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. — Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. — When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is. — Kissing the bride for more than ... Читать далее...
25. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a babyA young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat ... Читать далее...
26. There was an old married couple that had happilyThere was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she ... Читать далее...
27. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
28. On their first night to be togetherOn their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, «my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.» The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. ... Читать далее...
29. Wedding preparation guidelinesAnnouncement: It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); ... Читать далее...
30. A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one nightA farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s breast a little feel and says,»Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.» His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, «Mother, if this ... Читать далее...
31. A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surpriseA married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. «What color?» they asked. He settled for white. «How much does it cost?» he asked. «Twenty dollars.» «Very good,» he thought. All that ... Читать далее...
32. You might be a redneck if 01You might be a redneck if… More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O. J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not ... Читать далее...
33. One night, as a couple lay down for bedThis joke sucks…. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, «I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.» The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ... Читать далее...
34. You might be a redneck if 03You might be a redneck if… There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his ... Читать далее...
35. Перевод идиомы a hen night / a hen party, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: a hen night / a hen party Идиома: a hen night / a hen party Перевод: девичник, женская компания Пример: Jenny’s having her hen night a week before the wedding. Дженни устраивает девичник за неделю до свадьбы....
36. You might be a redneck if 07You might be a redneck if… You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. ... Читать далее...
37. You might be a redneck if 04You might be a redneck if… The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part ... Читать далее...
38. You might be a redneck if 08You might be a redneck if… You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since «Smokey and the Bandit» was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least ... Читать далее...
39. On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-BobOn the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight. When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he ... Читать далее...
40. Out All Night DrinkingAn Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat ... Читать далее...