The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop … Читать далее
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says » We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one … Читать далее
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It’s her turn to guess the word. Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick! Nancy: Um. . . is it a place? Her partner: No. Nancy: Is it a person? Her partner: No. Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it … Читать далее
Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, «Fuck you!» Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, «Fuck you too!» Grandpa becomes very much excited … Читать далее
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. «Did you see the paper?» asked Gallagher. «They say I died!!» «Yes, I saw it!» replied Finney. «Where are you callin’ from?» It was general question time on the «Top … Читать далее
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford! How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner! Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer! What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul … Читать далее
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, «What’s wrong with the coworker … Читать далее
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when … Читать далее
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’ ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down … Читать далее
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.» The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women … Читать далее
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, «Stop making love down there!» «What’s the matter with you?» the husband said when the sailor climbed down. «We weren’t making love.» «Sorry,» said the sailor, «From … Читать далее
«WOMEN SEEKING MEN» Classifieds 40-ish means: 48 Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate means: Possessive Artist means: Unreliable Average looking means: You figure this one out Beautiful means: Pathological liar Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile means: … Читать далее
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, «The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony»
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, «Hmmm, this person looks familiar.» «Let me look.» said the other one. So she handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror … Читать далее
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. … Читать далее
Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls in the office had removed their clothes and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down the girl on her right hissed, «Turn over, Mary — this … Читать далее
A man defecates on London Bridge. A policeman comes to him and says: — Sir but you are not allowed to do that in this place. -Fuck yuo! -Sir, but the Law? -I fuck your The Law! -Sir, but The Qeen? -I fuck your Queen! -Indeed? -In bed! -Sorry Your Majesty.
Really Stupid People Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head. A company trying to … Читать далее
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into … Читать далее
Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become … Читать далее
When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don’t do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy. When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that … Читать далее
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, «I am Napoleon!» Another one said, «How do you know?» The first inmate said, «God told me!» Just then, a voice from another room shouted, «I did not!»
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think … Читать далее
«First,» said the playboy, «I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.» «Oh no you’re not,» said the girl. «Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.» «Oh no you’re not.» «Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.» … Читать далее
Ok, I’m going to get a lot of hate mail for this one… What’s the definition of the perfect woman? She’s three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold … Читать далее
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, «Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?» She said, «Do you like sex?» I said, «Of course I like sex.» She said, «Do you like to travel?» I said, «Yeah, I love to travel.» She said, «Then fuck … Читать далее
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let … Читать далее
«Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?» asked John «Yes, I will.» Paula replied. «Would you do it for one thousand?» he asked. «Well maybe, or maybe I’d do something else for you.» she answered with a wink. «How about a blowjob for $20?» responded John. «Hey! What kind of women do you … Читать далее
Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. «I’m not voting for any of the candidates,» the first man said. «I don’t know any of them.» «I feel the same way,» the second man said. «Only I know them all.»
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side … Читать далее
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, «If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?» «Hell no!» the guy said. The stranger then asked, «If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used … Читать далее
One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, «Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to … Читать далее
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing … Читать далее
NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can … Читать далее
New scientific thoeries 1st RunnerUp — If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it’s not «mortician;» by then it’s too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is «proctologist;» the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 … Читать далее
«We’d like a room, please,» the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. «We were married this morning.» «Congratulations,» the desk clerk said, «how about the bridal?» «No thanks, just a room. I’ll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.»
0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania — by covered wagon. Most common phrase: «Is it Christmas yet?» 10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings. 20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and … Читать далее
Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d’oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree. Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d’oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the … Читать далее
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. «You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,» screamed the terrorist leader, «and you’re going to be executed! Do … Читать далее
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder…I’ll sleep with you.» Guy says: «An alligator?» Woman says: «Close enough»
Here’s one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door. Then we … Читать далее
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, «$500 if we fail to fill your order.» When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant … Читать далее
— boy, I need some onion — sorry, mam, we don’t have onion at the moment — I don’t care, I need some onion — but mam, we don’t have onion in the market right now — you don’t understand me, I need some onion — well, mam, lets check your english. How many letters … Читать далее
The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak’s «Car Train» to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train’s upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number … Читать далее
The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off. She goes bitching to Little Johnny’s father. She comes to Little Johnny’s house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goat in the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father «Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now….now … Читать далее
An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor … Читать далее
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, «My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.» Another guy says, «What’s that?» The first guy says, «That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.» Another one says, «My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, «What’s that?» … Читать далее
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back … Читать далее
Two Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: «You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister.» «Well,» his buddy replied, «between you and me we got ’em all.»