Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their

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1. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
2. It’s dark in hereA woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there ... Читать далее...
3. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
4. Amusing Humor about the IrishO’Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O’Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o’clock the doorbell rang. It was the next ... Читать далее...
5. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confessionAn old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a ... Читать далее...
6. Going to a WeddingI got an Invitation in the mail last month that really surprised me. My friend Ulrich was getting married! We went to college together and he always said that he’d never get married. I guess he found his Dream girl in the end. The Church wedding was going to be at 3 p. m. and ... Читать далее...
7. This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when heThis fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. «What the hell is your problem?» the lady asked. «I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy,» the man moaned. The lady reached ... Читать далее...
8. Irish Pub JokesMurphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, «Where are we now?» The guide said, «We’re in the great state of Texas.» «It’s a big place,» said Murphy. The ... Читать далее...
9. Humor about Irish MarriagesSome years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving ... Читать далее...
10. Clean Jokes about the IrishMurphy said to his daughter, «I want you home by eleven o’clock.» She said, «But Father, I’m no longer a child!» He said, «I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.» MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on ... Читать далее...
11. Short Irish JokesQ: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. Q: What’s long & green & has a low I. Q.? A: A St. Patrick’s Day Parade Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can’t you borrow ... Читать далее...
12. Перевод слова guiltyGuilty — виновный, виноватый Перевод слова Guilty person — виновный; виноватый to be guilty of a blunder — быть повинным в совершении ошибки guilty conscience — нечистая совесть to look guilty — выглядеть виноватым, иметь виноватый вид He was declared Guilty. Его признали виновным. He is Guilty of treason. Он виновен в измене. Marie immediately ... Читать далее...
13. An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his nameAn Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked «Can i help you sir?» Our man said «Yes, I would like to change my name.» «What is your current name?» asked the clerk. «Martin Arsehole,» replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said «I ... Читать далее...
14. Jokes about the Stupid IrishA man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, «Fill it up, will you?». The man says «Sorry — we’re right out of petrol.» So the man considers, and ... Читать далее...
15. Trust thy friendThe sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. «Was it my friend Sam», he demanded. «No!» his weeping wife replied. «Was it my friend Jim then?» he asked. «NO!!!» she said ... Читать далее...
16. The wedding is offno on!All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride’s father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. «The weddin’s off,» he shouted, «Everybody bugger off!» Dismayed and ... Читать далее...
17. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
18. Is it over yet?It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.» «Well,» answered the Priest, «That’s no a sin.» «But I made him pay me 20 ... Читать далее...
19. GIRL’S CONFESSIONGIRL’S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. «So me and my cousin were alone in the house,» she continued, «and went up to my bedroom…» «Go on, my child,» said the priest gently. «I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on ... Читать далее...
20. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nailsTo stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. «I won’t do it any more, Mom,» says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. «If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?» ... Читать далее...
21. The Irish MusicТопик Ирландская музыка расскажет о красивой ирландской музыке. Народ Ирландии очень музыкален, любит петь, танцевать и сочинять музыку. Арфа – один из самых любимых музыкальных инструментов, а самым знаменитым арфистом в 17-ом веке был слепой музыкант О’Каролан. Первые ноктюрны были написаны также ирландцем – Джоном Филдом, учеником Клементи. Все знают творчество ирландской рок-группы U2. Многие ... Читать далее...
22. Jokes about the Fighting IrishGallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. «Did you see the paper?» asked Gallagher. «They say I died!!» «Yes, I saw it!» replied Finney. «Where are you callin’ from?» It was general question time on the «Top ... Читать далее...
23. An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharingAn Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying «I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, «I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd ... Читать далее...
24. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
25. Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. Friends — A friend is someone who is always at your side, — A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, — A friend is someone who likes you ... Читать далее...
26. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
27. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
28. Irish LaughsCasey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, «If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.» Casey mumbled, «If it ... Читать далее...
29. The wrong definitionWay down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, «Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!» The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, «One of you, here ... Читать далее...
30. Help the lonely childSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all ... Читать далее...
31. Clean Humor about the IrishIt seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: «Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, ... Читать далее...
32. Irish religion jokesBoyle sat in a Belfast confessional. «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,» he said. «I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!» «All right, my son,» admonished the priest. «For penance, finish off the stations!» Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, «Thank you, ... Читать далее...
33. The Irish VirusAn actual mailing: Greetings, You have just received the «IRISH VIRUS». As we don’t have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation....
34. Divine RightSeveral years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы girl friend[girl friend] {n.}, {informal} 1. A female friend or companion. Jane is spending the night at her girlfriend’s house. 2. A boy’ssteady girl; the girl or woman partner in a love affair; girl;sweetheart. John is taking his girl friend to the dance. Contrast:BOYFRIEND....
36. Перевод слова confessConfess — признавать, признаваться Перевод слова To confess a fault — признать ошибку to confess to a crime — признаться в совершении преступления you had best confess — вам лучше всего сознаться I Confessed my sins to the priest. Я исповедовался священнику в своих грехах. You should Confess and redress your errors. Вам следует признать ... Читать далее...
37. A man was driving from New York to San FranciscoA man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was ... Читать далее...
38. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
39. Optimist vs. pessimistA family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, ... Читать далее...
40. Funny Jokes about the IrishThe Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. «Name?» «Brendan O’Connor.» «Same as mine. Where are you from?» «County Cork.» «Same as me……» The policeman paused with his pen in the air. «Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the ... Читать далее...