Divine Right

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1. Wear your collar backwards Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?” The priest says, “Because I’m a father.” Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.” The priest says “You don’t understand, son. I […]...
2. Irish Religion Humor Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” […]...
3. Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!” The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, ” Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?” […]...
4. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this […]...
5. Tommy goes into a confessional box and says Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.” The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?” Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t […]...
6. A catholic lithany A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A […]...
7. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!” The priest replied, “What did you say?” The boy repeated, “Thank […]...
8. Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, “Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.” The Father said, “Tell me who […]...
9. This fellow comes to confession This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?” “I lusted,” the fellow replied. “Tell me about it,” the priest said. The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in […]...
10. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out […]...
11. Is it over yet? It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s no a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 […]...
12. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, […]...
13. Camel Died Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and […]...
14. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a […]...
15. Перевод слова madam Madam – мадам, госпожа, сударыня Перевод слова Madam Chairman – госпожа председатель proper madam – девушка с тяжелым характером she is a bit of a madam – она любит командовать Madam, all men are bores, except when we want them. Мадам, все мужчины скучны, когда мы в них не нуждаемся. They say nothing unless a […]...
16. A rather senile old lady went to her doctor A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows: D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh? D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your […]...
17. Criminal steals lumber A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. “What did you take?” his priest asked. “Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two […]...
18. It’s dark in here A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there […]...
19. One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew […]...
20. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone […]...
21. The same thing A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.” The priest says, “what do you mean almost?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not […]...
22. A little old lady buys a pair of parrots A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t […]...
23. Pray hard A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, […]...
24. Значение идиомы holy cats [holy cats] or [holy cow] or [holy mackerel] or [holy Moses]{interj.}, {informal} – Used to express strong feeling ; used in speech or when writingconversation. “Holy cats! That’s good pie!” said Dick. “Holycow! They can’t do that!” Mary said when she saw the boys hurting amuch smaller boy....
25. What causes people to have arthritis A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the […]...
26. What causes arthritis? A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled […]...
27. A man is driving down the road for a long period of time A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says,”Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. […]...
28. Little Johnny comes home from school Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls,” and would his mother,”please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” So johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, […]...
29. It is written in the Bible! There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. “It’s O. K.,” he replied, “it’s written in […]...
30. Getting in an accident A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a […]...
31. A fair warning Tourist guide at zoo: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… […]...
32. Communication problem There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. […]...
33. A horny young man went to a brothel A horny young man went to a brothel… The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and […]...
34. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.” The priest thought long and hard […]...
35. Перевод слова priest Priest – священник Перевод слова To ordain a priest – посвящать в духовный сан priest’s trappings – внешние атрибуты священника priest brethren – братья в священстве We thanked the Priest for his kind words. Мы поблагодарили священника за теплые слова. A Priest, vested in surplice. Священник, облаченный в стихарь. A Priest has eased me of […]...
36. Man goes to a fancy dress party Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis. Lady asks, “What are you?” He says, “I’m a fireman.” “But you’re only wearing a glass jar,” says the woman. He says, “Exactly, in an emergency, break glass.” Pull knob and I’ll cum as fast as I can!”...
37. Confession The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, “Father, I never wears panties under my habit.” The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious. Say five Hail […]...
38. Falling down There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would […]...
39. The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on […]...
40. New York Jokes New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...