The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals

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1. One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides toOne balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, «Young man, you’re much too young to smoke!» The kid ... Читать далее...
2. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golfOne Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do ... Читать далее...
3. The Pope vs. the QueenThe Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, «I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my ... Читать далее...
4. Religious battle golfThe Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. «Your holiness,» said one of the Cardinals, «Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.» The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held ... Читать далее...
5. Pope DiesPope Dies The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon ... Читать далее...
6. When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to townWhen this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy’s amazement, when ... Читать далее...
7. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accidentA lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, ... Читать далее...
8. ZHow offensive is that?How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. «Paul… Paul,» He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes ... Читать далее...
9. Haircut before a tripA man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, «Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?» «We’re taking TWA,» was the reply. ... Читать далее...
10. On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope wasOn the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, «What’s a four — letter word ending in «unt» which means «woman»? The bishop said, «Did you try «aunt»? The Pope said, «Mmmm. Do you ... Читать далее...
11. Setting Up Conference Calls and VideoconferencesEwan: Who’s running the Videoconference next week? Petra: I am. Desmond put me in charge of it last week. Ewan: Oh, somebody’s Moving up in the world. It’s nice that he’s giving you more responsibility. Petra: Yeah, but I’m not sure I’m ready. Ewan: I’ve set up Conference calls and videoconferences before. Maybe you can ... Читать далее...
12. There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the PopeThere was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death’s door, and said to her papal neighbour. ‘Father, surely you can do something about this…’ To which the Pope replied, ... Читать далее...
13. The Pope took a philosophy professorThe Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the ... Читать далее...
14. The Pope was working on a crossword puzzleThe Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, «What’s a four letter word, ending in U — N — T that means ‘woman’?» The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. ... Читать далее...
15. A theological debateSeveral centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the ... Читать далее...
16. Running a MeetingGood morning, everyone. I believe we are all here. Please be seated and let’s get started. Please join me in welcoming Olivia Dansk, from Garland Corporation I’m afraid that Lionel Wu from Manatect Can’t be with us today, but I’m pleased to welcome Representatives from both Danforth and Boyent. We’re here today to discuss the ... Читать далее...
17. The only true religionOne day God called the Pope, and he said «John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion». The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, ... Читать далее...
18. A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel roomA man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an «escort» service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker says, «I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that’s for ... Читать далее...
19. The first engineer calls out to the otherThe first engineer calls out to the other, «Hey—Nice bike! Where did you get it?» «Well,» replies the other, «I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘you can have ANYTHING you want!'» «Good ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова meetingMeeting — собрание, совещание Перевод слова To fix a time for the meeting — назначить время встречи informal meeting — неофициальная встреча meeting point — место встречи Is the Meeting over yet? Собрание уже закончилось? It was a raucous Meeting. Заседание прошло бурно. The Meeting will be brief. Совещание будет кратким. Происхождение слова meeting Образовано ... Читать далее...
21. A man calls his mother in FloridaA man calls his mother in Florida. «Mom, how are you?» «Not too good,»says the mother. «I’ve been very weak.» The son says, «Why are you so weak?» She says, «Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.» The man says, «That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, «Because I didn’t ... Читать далее...
22. Taking Minutes of a MeetingI was Absent at last month’s meeting, so imagine my surprise when I found out that I had been Elected the committee’s Secretary! As part of my duties, I have To take minutes at each meeting. Taking minutes means I have to pay attention and try my best To transcribe what each person says, or ... Читать далее...
23. I. R. S. phone callsThe following are actual phone calls made to I. R. S. offices across the United States. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы duty calls[duty calls] {n. phr.} One must attend to one’s obligations. «I’d love to stay and play more poker,» Henry said, «but duty calls and I must get back to the office.»...
25. Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells himSaddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, «Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.» «What did it say on the banners?» Clinton asks. Saddam replies, «Allah is god, god is Allah.» Clinton says, «You know, Saddam, I ... Читать далее...
26. Business is businessA young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, «Who was the greatest man that ever lived?» A girl raises her hand and says, «I think George Washington was the ... Читать далее...
27. The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that ... Читать далее...
28. A man calls his family doctorA man calls his family doctor: Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help. Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her....
29. Значение идиомы minutes of the meeting[minutes of the meeting] {n. phr.} The notes taken by the recordingsecretary; of an official body or an association recording of what wassaid and transacted during the given session. «Shall we accept theminutes of our last meeting as read by the secretary?» the chairmanasked....
30. A jealous husband hires a private detectiveA jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all ... Читать далее...
31. A Burglar is in Big TroubleA burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, «I can see you, and so can Jesus!» Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his ... Читать далее...
32. Love JesusBy Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light ... Читать далее...
33. After a bad accidentPatient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first… Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had ... Читать далее...
34. The good and the badPatient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we ... Читать далее...
35. Пословица / поговорка he who pays the piper calls the tune — перевод и значение, пример использованияПословица / поговорка: he who pays the piper calls the tune Перевод: кто платит волынщику, тот и заказывает песни (т. е. кто платит, тот и распоряжается) Пример: The oil company was paying the expenses for the theater group. However, because he who pays the piper calls the tune they wanted to help decide which plays ... Читать далее...
36. A Potential Partnership MeetingFlavio: Thanks for meeting with me. Marcia: It’s my pleasure. We’re eager to hear your ideas about our companies doing business together in the future. Flavio: Well, I wanted us to meet because I think our two companies can create great Synergy. Marcia: I agree. What do you Have in mind? Flavio: We seem to ... Читать далее...
37. A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a pissA guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. «Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and ... Читать далее...
38. Meeting Your Boyfriend’s/Girlfriend’s ParentsRonny: Ready? Judy: Ready as I’ll ever be. Ronny: Try To work up a little Enthusiasm about meeting my parents. Judy: It’s not them I’m worried about. It’s me. What if I don’t Pass muster? Ronny: My parents are going to love you. They’re Open-minded and Nonjudgmental people. They won’t care about anything except that ... Читать далее...
39. Scheduling a MeetingI needed to Schedule a meeting for the three Departments involved in a new project. I called each one to find a Date that Would work for all three of us. Bruno: So, Nicola, would the Day after tomorrow work for you? Nicola: No, I’ll be Out of the office all day. Could we Do ... Читать далее...
40. Annoying phone callsThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking ... Читать далее...