The aged patient doddered into

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1. An elderly patient needed a heart transplant An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd […]...
2. Перевод слова aged Aged – пожилой, старый, престарелый Перевод слова Middle-aged man – человек среднего возраста aged population – престарелые a boy aged fifteen – мальчик пятнадцати лет A woman Aged 50 has given birth to twins. Женщина в возрасте 50 лет родила двойню. His hair whitened as he Aged. Его волосы побелели, как он постарел. There is […]...
3. Перевод слова patient Patient – пациент Перевод слова Refer a patient to a specialist – направить больного к специалисту chronic patient – человек, страдающий хроническим заболеванием acute patient – больной в тяжелом состоянии The Patient made a quick recovery. Пациент быстро выздоравливал. The Patient cannot walk yet. Пациент пока что не может ходить. The Patient was attended by […]...
4. Doctor-Patient Confidentiality Dr. Green: Can I Consult you on a case of Medical ethics? Dr. Hause: Sure, I’m not a lawyer, but I can give you my opinion as another doctor. Dr. Green: That’s what I’m looking for, your honest opinion. I have a Patient who has a medical condition that can be Spread to her family, […]...
5. The following statements were found on patient charts The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: “The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.” “Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.” “The skin was moist […]...
6. Crazy people talk A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient […]...
7. A woman visits her physician A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: “Well, what can I do for you madam?”. The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: “You can discuss any matter with […]...
8. Passing an exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking […]...
9. HEGS The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S “What’s that?”, the patient asks. “It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.” The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which the Doctor responds, “We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.” “Why only pancackes?”, […]...
10. After a bad accident Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first… Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had […]...
11. The good and the bad Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we […]...
12. A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat […]...
13. Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6 Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, “Oh, Jim, you’re going where no man has gone before!” The six-year-old says to his brother, “He must be fucking her up the ass!”...
14. Health Insurance Plans At my company, I have a choice of health insurance plans. We can pick between HMOs and PPOs, and I have been with the same Managed health plan for the past few years. It’s the plan that has the lowest Co-pays and the best Coverage, and the network of doctors is fairly large. The Drug […]...
15. A dyslexic nurse Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!” The […]...
16. A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he’s groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat. She says, “That’s it! That’s it!” He says, “It can’t be. I part mine […]...
17. A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous […]...
18. Перевод слова complaint Complaint – жалоба, недовольство Перевод слова Complaint book – книга жалоб complaint bureau – отдел рекламаций to address a complaint – обратиться с жалобой I wish to make a Complaint. Я хочу подать жалобу. There was no occasion for Complaint. Не было оснований для жалоб. She endured her misfortune without Complaint. Она переносила свою беду […]...
19. At the doctor’s – У доктора Is there anything more important than health? I don’t think so. “Health is the greatest wealth,” wise people say. You can’t be good at your studies or work well when you are ill. If you have a headache, heartache, toothache, backache, earache or bad pain in the stomach, if you complain of a sore throat […]...
20. The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy […]...
21. A man goes to the doctor with a long history of A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the Doctor, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going […]...
22. Nauseous sex Patient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach. Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it. Patient sticks out his tongue…...
23. My heart set A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, “All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and […]...
24. A young lady walks into a doctors office A young lady walks into a doctors office. “Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge” The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says “how does that feel?” Young lady, “Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!”...
25. A stuttering problem A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this […]...
26. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.” The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married twice…” The bride responds… […]...
27. Serious desease A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This […]...
28. Visiting a Patient in the Hospital George: You’re just In time. There’s only another 20 minutes until the end of Visiting hours. Inez: I got here as soon as I could. How is Uncle Peter? George: They moved him from the Emergency ward to the Intensive care unit. He’s on Life support. Inez: How could this have happened? How could somebody […]...
29. A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks. “It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor. “Oh my God” says the man. “What are you […]...
30. There was this man in a mental hospital There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. […]...
31. Doctor’s compliment A lady came to see a doctor because of sharp pain in her stomack. After examining his patient doctor gave out the diagnosis: – Madam, you have acute appendicitis. – Thank you, Doctor, but I came to be treated not admired....
32. There was a young man in the Air Force There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well – endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the end.” They discussed it […]...
33. A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” And he then charged […]...
34. The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
35. A pregnant woman is about to give birth A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. […]...
36. Retire Aged Personell Early TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES FROM GOVERNING BORED DATE 22 APR 1986 1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our […]...
37. Pneumonia A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a […]...
38. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat […]...
39. Диалог на английском языке с переводом “Осмотр у врача” (At the doctor’s) Patient: Good morning, doctor. Doctor: Good morning. How do you feel today? Patient: I feel better today, but I am still of-colour. I`m sleeping badly and I have no appetite. Doctor: A little run-down, I think. Have you checked your temperature today? Patient: Yes, my temperature is quite normal. Doctor: Get to that couch please. […]...
40. A man comes to a doctor and A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” “Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You […]...