Jokes

NASA just disclosed details why the rover wouldn’t accept any commands. They took a picture of the rover’s built-in display which showed a windows screen and the text «press any key to continue». It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found proof of life on Mars. The cd player … Читать далее

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. «The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.» The American … Читать далее

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are … Читать далее

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the bassoon recital. Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon? A: A … Читать далее

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes. Mary Had A Little Lamb 3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321 Jingle Bells 333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621 Frere Jacques 1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111 … Читать далее

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, «Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, «No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.» So, the second little boy comes out and … Читать далее

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, «Are you my dad?». The doctor says, «No, I am your doctor!». … Читать далее

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. «The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,» she said. «Oh good,» he said, «Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!»

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names…

President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary’s room. She complains that it’s the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, Mr. President—I’ll remove the mirrors right away.

A man calls his mother in Florida. «Mom, how are you?» «Not too good,»says the mother. «I’ve been very weak.» The son says, «Why are you so weak?» She says, «Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.» The man says, «That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, «Because I didn’t … Читать далее

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across … Читать далее

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head. «Yech!» says the woman. «Get some toilet paper.» «What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.»

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, «Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, «Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his … Читать далее

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. «Paddy,» he said, » I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.» «Really, Father?» slurred Paddy. «What have you done?»

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, «Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?» «Why Yes, John, that would be nice,» said Marie. Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and … Читать далее

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop. An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he’ll give her a ride home. On the way he looks her over and says «You’re a pretty good looking old broad. I’ll … Читать далее

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a … Читать далее

«Winnie The????» It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she … Читать далее

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. «Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would … Читать далее

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the «Twelve Days of Christmas» subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced … Читать далее

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. «Yes,» he said. «I do. My father taught me.» «Good. What comes after three.» «Four,» answers the boy. «What comes after six?» «Seven.» «Very good,» says the teacher. «Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?» «A Jack.»

Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified. You are not as bad as people say — you are worse! Do you have to leave so soon? … Читать далее

These are from actual resumes: «Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs. «I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.» «Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act … Читать далее

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars. «On your free, Lizard Pecker,» he bellowed. … Читать далее

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the — influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat … Читать далее

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he’s a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

An Australian joke… St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo’s stroll up. «Your names aren’t on today’s list… let me go and ask the Boss» he says. In God’s office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo’s, and God tells Peter to go and … Читать далее

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, «Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?» «I’ll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice….unless you’re … Читать далее

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, «I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with her.» To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning … Читать далее

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: «Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So … Читать далее

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, «You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so … Читать далее

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He’s letting them hang around for old times’ sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw … Читать далее

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, «Asshole attorneys». The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying «I want you to know I highly resent that remark». «Why, are you an … Читать далее

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. Good organizational skills: … Читать далее

What do people in Europe call little gray cats? Ответ: Little kittens. —————————————— What makes a Dalmatian dog spotted? Ответ: His spots. —————————————— What bird can lift the heaviest weight? Ответ: The crane. —————————————— When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? Ответ: When it’s a waggin’. —————————————— How do we know that one … Читать далее

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. «This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.» the clerk said. «Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?» «This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.» «And the other?» said the customer. … Читать далее

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: «I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me.»

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, «Where do babies come from?» Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, «From the stork of course!» The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, «But mom, who fucks the stork?»

Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. «Who turned on the fucking lights?» a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. «These are the breakfast lights, sir,» she answered with forced sweetness. «The fucking … Читать далее

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I’m having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd … Читать далее

Patient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach. Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it. Patient sticks out his tongue…

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom’s hand and said, » Momma, look at the bowlegged man.» Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort … Читать далее

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a … Читать далее

Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); … Читать далее

The last words of a chemist: 1. And now the tasting test. 2. May that become hot? 3. And now a little bit from this… 4. … and please keep that test tube alone! 5. And now shake it a bit. 6. Why is there no label on this bottle? 7. In which glass was … Читать далее

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, «Does your Mother feed you like this at home?» … Читать далее

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. «Oh, no, it’s my husband!» The man says, «Where’s your back door?» «We don’t have a back door» says the woman. The man then asks, «Well, where do you … Читать далее

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, «that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?» The man replies, «all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife … Читать далее