A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her … Читать далее
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. «Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.» «Have you tried counting sheep?» «That’s the problem — I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.»
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, «Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the … Читать далее
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace … Читать далее
One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. «Whatcha doin?» he asked. Mongo replies, «My goldfish died and I’m burying him.» «That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?» asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, «That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat!’
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says «I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play’ The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts … Читать далее
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: «I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.» The woman then says with anticipated agony, «Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!» To which the dentist replies: «Well make up your mind. … Читать далее
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. «Don’t be stupid,» says the barman, «We’ve got a perfectly good toilet here!» «Yes,» explains the drinker, «but I take salts.» «So what??!! That doesn’t matter — you … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, November 29, 1992 The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend. Sorensen’s complaint was that … Читать далее
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, «Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.» Mary gasped and said in a huff, «Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear … Читать далее
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. «Your organ,» she … Читать далее
Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, … Читать далее
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the … Читать далее
Two friends dreamed to make love with a blond woman. Finaly they succeded and talked their opinion. The first said: Nothing special. My wife is better in the bed. -You are right, the second man said, your wife is better.
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, «How long before we can have sex?» The doctor says, «At least wait until he’s walking.»
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, «How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my … Читать далее
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. «Grandpa, what are you doing?» he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. «Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here … Читать далее
Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINT Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they’re not looking, pour … Читать далее
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best… find a woman with whom he may «commiserate». After a wild night of getting it on, it’s time for the young lady to leave. As she’s getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, «Lotsa guys want to … Читать далее
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, «I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist … Читать далее
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to «secure a building,» they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, … Читать далее
An elderly couple walk into a doctor’s office. The man tells the doctor, «Doctor, we want to have a baby.» The doctor replies,»At your age I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample.» So the couple comes back a few days later. … Читать далее
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, «Hey Tommy, wanna play house?» He says, «Sure! What do you want me to do?» The girl replies, «I want you to communicate your thoughts.» «Communicate my thoughts?» said a bewildered Tommy. «I have no … Читать далее
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife’s throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, «What the fuck are you doing?» «Just giving you an aspirin for your headache.» The bloke answered. «But I ain’t got a headache,» she yelled … Читать далее
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. «You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.» From out in the audience a man shouted, «Lying bastard!» «Silence in the court!», the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, «You are also charged with killing a … Читать далее
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of … Читать далее
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. «Fred,» he replies. «Fred what?» … Читать далее
There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chain Letter Type I Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass … Читать далее
Two guys get stuck on a desert island. They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif. He says to the first guy,»As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru».Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru. He is then beaten and … Читать далее
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, «You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!» Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, … Читать далее
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, «Darling, do you remember the minuet?» The other replies, «Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I screwed!»
A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer «why doesn’t your store have a name», the store manager says «I haven’t thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what’s your girlfriend’s name.» The guy says «Jenny» then the store owner says «What’s do you like most about Jenny» … Читать далее
If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take … Читать далее
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, … Читать далее
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN — August 1, 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP) — Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled … Читать далее
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, … Читать далее
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: «God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.» To which the child responded, «Well, … Читать далее
A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, «What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?» The man said, «Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!» The man thought nothing of … Читать далее
Mr. Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy. One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy when to the policeman and she said»Nobody and Somebody are fighting» Then the policeman look at her then he said «What are you talking about?» Then she said again «Nobody and … Читать далее
The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters «ILU» written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does «ILU» mean? The little girl replies, «I love you.» The teacher says, «Isn’t that sweet,» and continues with class. The … Читать далее
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, «Cow For Sale…$5000.» He pulls in and says to the farmer, «There’s no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars.» The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.» He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees … Читать далее
«I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.» — Groucho Marx 1890-1977 — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a «Curse» he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says «maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.» The old man says without hesitation … Читать далее
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some ‘Aftershave Lotion’ around his ears when the customer yelled, «Don’t put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!» Another customer who was waiting replied, «Hey John, you can put the ‘Aftershave Lotion’ on … Читать далее
This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he’ll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a … Читать далее
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he’s groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat. She says, «That’s it! That’s it!» He says, «It can’t be. I part mine … Читать далее
A man was being interviewed for a job. «Were you in the service?» ask the interviewer. «Yes, I was a marine,» responded the applicant. «Did you see any active duty?» «I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.» «May I ask what happened?» «Well, I had a grenade go off … Читать далее
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. … Читать далее
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a … Читать далее
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, «What is three times seven?» «Twenty-two,» Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to … Читать далее