Jokes

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.» Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when … Читать далее

You might be a redneck if… Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees. Your baby’s first words are «Attention K-Mart shoppers.» The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from … Читать далее

What’s the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy? John Denver made it alive out of Aspen. Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy? Not yet, but he’s done one about the tree: «I’m Still Standing» How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy? Check the family tree. … Читать далее

Any time you feel dumb, don’t worry. Check out the following excerpts from a «Wall Street Journal» article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command «Press Any Key» to «Press Return Key» because of the many calls asking where the «Any» key is. 2. AST … Читать далее

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4 MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot SAR SAR SAR SAR CM Wangs CM BDI’s CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. «No thank you,» she said politely.» «This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.» «That … Читать далее

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? A: He was declared to be in Seine. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over … Читать далее

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.’s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say’s, «Why yes I am…you wanna wear my hat?» The boy nods and the … Читать далее

Two GI’s in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit. «I can’t go in here» he says» It’s really going to stink» «There’s another trench over there» says the other. «I’ll cover you with the M60…. just give me a shout and and i’ll cover … Читать далее

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. «Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over??5 million. I keep my … Читать далее

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes … Читать далее

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. «Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me … Читать далее

A man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor … Читать далее

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p. m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. «What happened?» says the wife. «You should have been … Читать далее

A teacher asked her students to use the word «fascinate» in a sentence. Mary said, «My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.» The teacher said, «That was good, but I wanted the word «‘fascinate.’» Sally raised her hand. She said, «My family went to … Читать далее

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed … Читать далее

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. «Damn», says the ant, «one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!»

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, «May I help you?» The farmer said, «Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.» The attorney said, «well do you have any grounds?» The farmer said, «Yea, I got about 140 acres.» The attorney said, » No, … Читать далее

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an «after-hours» appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, «I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, … Читать далее

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It’s all in the grip. Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it. Q: What is the … Читать далее

November 30, 1995 PLAYGIRL, INC. Dear Mrs. Smith, We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as the Playgirl’s «Man of the Month» centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of … Читать далее

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, «ONE BURGER!» The cook, who’s even bigger, screams, «BUR-GER!» Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and … Читать далее

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. «Four glasses of ale,» was the reply. «Next?» «Two glasses of whiskey.» «Next?» «One glass of brandy.» «Next?» «A fight.» In West Kerry, the wife commented, «When … Читать далее

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, «What are those bags for?» «I’m collecting for Israel», said Mr. Goldfarb. «You need two bags?», asked Mr. Klein. «I’ve got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It’s fantastic. I go into the men’s … Читать далее

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up … Читать далее

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and … Читать далее

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. «It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,» she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. «Miss,» he said, «I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get … Читать далее

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

How to hunt elephants — Lawyer’s style Lawyers don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Sent by Alex

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud «hiss-pop» noise. «The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,» explains the guide. «The popping sound is the needle poking … Читать далее

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, «How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?» He got the following reply. «Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then … Читать далее

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, «What is your IQ?» to which the man answers, «241.» «That is wonderful!,» says Albert. «We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!» Next Albert introduces himself … Читать далее

Fred goes to a doctor and says, «Doc, I want to be castrated.» Doc says, «Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.» Fred: «Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking … Читать далее

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, «Don’t move — I’ll be right back.» When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, «How did you get that in your mouth, you can’t … Читать далее

Trafalgar Square. A young man and an old woman sit on a bench. Near the benches walk a lot of pigeons. Pigeons make a lot of noise. Young man stands up and begins to shout: «Fuck off you stupid pigeons! Fuck off!». An old woman says: «Young man. You should be more pollite and not … Читать далее

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, «Doc, I’m constipated.» The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, «Lean over the table.» The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a … Читать далее

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, «I gladdened seven hearts today.» «Seven hearts?» asks the friend. «How did you do that?» The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, «I performed three marriages.» The friend looks at him quizically. «Seven?» he asks. «I could understand six, … Читать далее

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well — endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, «We’ll just take a big hunk off the end.» They discussed it … Читать далее

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, «Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!». «Really?» … Читать далее

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant’s owner waited nervously for the clerics’ reaction. «Quick, man,» he whispered to the waiter, «what did they say?» «Nothing,» replied the waiter. «They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.»

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You 10. He sends you on drug raids….alone. 9. He refers to you as «Our Little Mascot.» 8. The job description in your contract includes «crash test dummy» and «pepper-spray test subject.» 7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. 6. He always tells you that … Читать далее

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. «Hi, there, I’m Jerry,» he said, as … Читать далее

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a … Читать далее

Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said, «good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I’m going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me.» She said «Spanky … Читать далее

Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, «I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig … Читать далее

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, «I’m drawing God.» The teacher paused and said, «But no one knows … Читать далее

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all … Читать далее

Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and … Читать далее

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest … Читать далее