As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. «Scared, Lieutenant?», I asked. He replied, «No, just a bit apperhensive.» I asked, «What’s … Читать далее
Two afroamericans go in a bus. One turns to the other and says: «So, eMma comes first, then I come, then two aSSes together, then I come once again, Pee twice and then I come for the last time». A woman standing by goes: «You, insolent, ignorant pigs! We normally do not discuss our private … Читать далее
Some quick thoughts… 1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. 2. All directions start with, «Go down Peachtree…» and include the phrase, «When you see the Waffle House…» 3. Peachtree Street … Читать далее
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. «It is wonderful,» the husband exclaimed. «We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?» «Yes, you male chauvinist pig,» his wife replied. «Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on … Читать далее
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. «You’ll get your chance in court,» said the desk sergeant. «No, no, no!» said the man. «I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying … Читать далее
Analysis: 1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1. First factorize, second multiply. 2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1. Step 1. Show that the … Читать далее
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat … Читать далее
Two men were talking. «So, how’s your sex life?» «Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.» «Social Security sex?» «Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!»
One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced «Mickey and Minnie Mouse». As the next couple arrived he announced «Tarzan and Jane» and so on as each guest arrived. … Читать далее
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed … Читать далее
Titicons (.)(.) tiny tits (o) (o) regular tits ( O )( O ) big tits ( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits ( ‘ ) ( ‘ ) perky tits {.} {.} shriveled tits ( , ) ( , ) drippy tits [ _ ] [ _ ] android tits ( # ) … Читать далее
Top Holiday Traditions In The Military 9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask 8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower 7. Draw up list of who’s naughty, who’s nice and who can’t run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant 6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530 5. You open a … Читать далее
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, «How’d you get a cork in your ass?» The other guy says, «I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a … Читать далее
Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. «My God Henry», she screams, «I know you’ve had other woman but this time you’ve gone too far!» «You may be right» he says, «I think I’m stuck.»
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked «Could I have a fucket please?» The assistant asked»Pardon sir?». «Can I have a fucket please?» Replied the man. … Читать далее
At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, «What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?» After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: «Sin?»
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. «What’s going on?» she yells out the window. «Cow on the track!» replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees … Читать далее
This businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed the door shut taking off. Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman … Читать далее
The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other … Читать далее
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,»Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?» She looked down at him and promptly replied, «Hello, you little fuck!»
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient’s wife … Читать далее
This is, like, so dumb… Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat’s Urine 1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2.Solemnly intone the word «no» every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, «See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a … Читать далее
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, «I’ve got a big problem doctor» Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.» «MY dear,» the shrink said, «that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?» «The problem is,» she complained, «It wakes me up.»
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt. Finally, the barman says: «Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?» «Well,» the chick replies, … Читать далее
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. I used to come … Читать далее
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks «What’s that?» Her sister replies «That is my possum, sis!» The young girl replies «Oh, OK» The next day she sees her mother get out of the … Читать далее
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, «No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!» «Well, what should I do?» asks … Читать далее
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, » My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that … Читать далее
Monday Breakfast — Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth Lunch — Send your secretary out for six «gutbombers» — those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have … Читать далее
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever … Читать далее
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements … Читать далее
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, «You see that Indian?» «Yeah,» says the other cowboy. «Look,» says the first one, «he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.» Just … Читать далее
A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. «Get me out of here», said the one in the grave, «I’m cold». The other one looked over the edge and said, «No wonder you’re cold, you poor guy. You don’t have any dirt on … Читать далее
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman … Читать далее
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Paddy asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» Paddy replied with relief. «I thought I’d … Читать далее
Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry At the Post: They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. … Читать далее
A guy was pulled over by a cop. The cop says to the guy you’re eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking. The guy says tothe cop you’re eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts Sent by paul
You might be a redneck if… You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are «Howdy!», «HEY!» or «How Y’all Doin’?» (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!) You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You’ve … Читать далее
Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his … Читать далее
Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn’t have one, The POPE has one but doesn’t use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns’ was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We … Читать далее
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that … Читать далее
There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son’s room and says «Son do you remember that session I arranged for you … Читать далее
Things to Remember During a War 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. … Читать далее
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, «You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?» Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, «I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…..»
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water. Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water. Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with … Читать далее
The Marginal Basin Song by Chris Stillman (melody: Lead us on, thou Heavenly Father) On a margin runs a canyon down into the ocean dark; There’s a basin slowly filling with detritus from the arc. Refrain: For the drifting causes rifting, Opens basins mighty fine Which strike-slip will close in time. With volcanics there’s no … Читать далее
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. «Hello?» «Hello, is this the FBI?» «Yes. What do you want?» «I’m calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.» «Thank you very much for the call, sir.» The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux’s house. They search the shed where … Читать далее
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, «Fill it up, will you?». The man says «Sorry — we’re right out of petrol.» So the man considers, and … Читать далее
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the … Читать далее