As a sergeant in a parachute regiment

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1. A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopersA young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. «So, did you ... Читать далее...
2. Перевод слова parachuteParachute — парашют Перевод слова To collapse the parachute — гасить купол парашюта to deploy a parachute — раскрывать парашют to drop by parachute — сбрасывать на парашюте The pilot plummeted towards the earth until his Parachute opened. Пилот стремительно несся навстречу земле, пока его парашют не раскрылся. The pilot was wearing a Parachute. На ... Читать далее...
3. A young soldier was making his first parachute jumpA young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure «You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn’t open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there’ll be a truck waiting to pick you up.» The soldier checked his gear, called out ... Читать далее...
4. A young, freshly minted lieutenantA young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, «If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?» «Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump ... Читать далее...
5. The headmistress at a girls prep schoolThe headmistress at a girls’ prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: «We’re having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend.» «Why of course,» the Lieutenant answers. ... Читать далее...
6. Don’t arrest the judgeA squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, «Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?» «That it is, «Irish ... Читать далее...
7. A gentler wayAt the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, «Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night.» The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. «Sergeant,» he said afterwards, «that’s a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less ... Читать далее...
8. During training exercises, the lieutenant driving downDuring training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. «Your jeep stuck, sir?» asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. «Nope,» replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, «*Yours* is.»...
9. There was this boy in high school that was what you would callThere was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said «Dad look what I made.» So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass ... Читать далее...
10. An infamous stud with a long list of conquestsAn infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. «I’m scared out of my mind,» the stud replied. «Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop ... Читать далее...
11. A drill instructor at Airborne school wasA drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them: «When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell ‘Geronimo!’ and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, ... Читать далее...
12. Impressing the othersA young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan. He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend ... Читать далее...
13. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
14. Humor about the Stupid IrishHiggins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When ... Читать далее...
15. The Army Airborne major was used to harassmentThe Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. «Obviously the Air Force knows there’s no such thing as a ‘perfectly good aircraft,'» the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, «because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in ... Читать далее...
16. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
17. During the Vietnam warDuring the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. «Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?» The Marine replied, «I got my four Sir.»...
18. Hiring an accountantKowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, «What is three times seven?» «Twenty-two,» Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to ... Читать далее...
19. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...
20. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an AmericanA Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. «Last night I made love to my wife four times,» the Frenchman bragged, «and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored ... Читать далее...
21. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
22. There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impedimentThere was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked «Could I have a fucket please?» The assistant asked»Pardon sir?». «Can I have a fucket please?» Replied the man. ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова palePale — бледный, тусклый, бессильный Перевод слова A pale policy — бесхребетная политика pale imitation — слабое подражание pale face — бледное лицо pale blue — светло-голубой The blood flushed in Eliza’s Pale face. Кровь прилила к бледному лицу Элизы. The remake of «Casablanka» was a Pale imitation of the original movie. Римейк фильма «Касабланка» ... Читать далее...
24. Last minute requestsA man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, «Give it to me straight. How long have I got?» The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, «Call for my lawyer.» When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his ... Читать далее...
25. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulderA taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, «Look mate, don’t ever ... Читать далее...
26. Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisesLate one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked ... Читать далее...
27. Jerry Falwell was seated next to President ClintonJerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like drink. The minister replied ... Читать далее...
28. A high school senior was inspecting Harvard UniversityA high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: «Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?» The man looked down his nose and replied: «Son, I’m head of the English ... Читать далее...
29. A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial IndiaA British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. «Sergeant-Major!» the colonel shouted.»Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.» «Yessir,» the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. «Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate ... Читать далее...
30. Ghosts in a White HouseOne night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. «George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?» Clinton asked. «Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,» advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. «Tom, ... Читать далее...
31. Slight confusionOne night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,»Honey, can you go over ... Читать далее...
32. This snow plow driver from North DakotaThis snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if ... Читать далее...
33. The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morningThe Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant. «Anything interesting happen over-night», asked the mortitian. «Yes», replied the assistant, «The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course» «What was the cause of death», enquired the mortition. «I’m not sure»,replied the assistant. «But she’s got ... Читать далее...
34. Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a LieutenantShortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound ... Читать далее...
35. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
36. A mouse and a lion walk were in a barA mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. «Get a load of her» said the mouse, «what a babe!» «Well, why not try your luck?» replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes ... Читать далее...
37. Try to get some restA man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on ... Читать далее...
38. Mary was having an affair during the day whileMary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: «Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!» Ralph looked ... Читать далее...
39. Blonde on blondeA blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. «What does it look like?» she finally ... Читать далее...
40. A recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldierA recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, «I think I’ll just go and shoot myself.» The sergeant said, «Better take a couple of extra bullets!»...