A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites

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1. All Jews and six Mexicans This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He […]...
2. During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, “In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!” So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, “In […]...
3. Appeals Court Orders Woman Who Hid $1.3 Million Lottery Jackpot From Estranged Husband to Give It to Him A woman who kept $1.3 million in lottery winnings secret from her estranged husband to avoid having to give him half in their divorce settlement will now have to turn over the whole pot to him, this district’s Court of Appeal ruled Friday. Denise Rossi must give up her entire lottery share under a Family […]...
4. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the […]...
5. A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. “Why not?” said I. “Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all […]...
6. How MIT Students Won $8 Million in the Massachusetts Lottery MIT students figured out how to make winning the Massachusetts lottery a sure thing, and a recent investigation suggests that the lottery commission knew about it. Maybe Uncle Ben was right: With great power comes great responsibility. While most students at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology use their powers for good – for example, […]...
7. Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a new pistol. On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each […]...
8. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women […]...
9. Winning the Lottery Daniela: I got our Lottery tickets during my lunch break. The Jackpot is up to $168 million. Imagine if we won. Boris: Thanks for getting mine, too. When is the drawing? Daniela: Saturday at 6 PM. It’s being Televised on channel 4. Boris: What would you do if you had $168 million? Daniela: The first […]...
10. A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” […]...
11. Jewish fly A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in […]...
12. In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about […]...
13. Redneck wins lottery A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says “I want my $20 million.” To which the man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest […]...
14. News from Washington WASHINGTON, DC – Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday. Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. “We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and […]...
15. How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father’s business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin....
16. What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.”...
17. A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that […]...
18. A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. “What’s this,” […]...
19. A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. “I am so obsessed with my mother… As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and […]...
20. A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he’ll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: “Go stand on the corner for […]...
21. The first Jewish woman President is elected The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother: “Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.” “I don’t know, what would I wear?” “Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker” “But I only eat kosher food” “Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get […]...
22. Значение идиомы out of commission [out of commission] {adj. phr.} 1. Retired from active militaryservice; no longer on active duty. When the war was over, manywarships were placed out of commission. Contrast: IN COMMISSION.2. Not in use or not working; so that it cannot work or be used. The strike put the airline out of commission for a week. Johnwill […]...
23. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, “Operator, giff me beck the party!” She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.” He says, “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.” She […]...
24. Silent treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and […]...
25. Значение идиомы in commission [in commission] or [into commission] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. Onduty or ready to be put on duty by a naval or military service; inactive service. The old battleship has been in commission fortwenty years. It took many months to build the new bomber, and nowit is ready to be put into commission. 2. In […]...
26. Значение идиомы show one’s hand [show one’s hand] {v. phr.} To reveal or exhibit one’s true andhitherto hidden purpose. Only after becoming Chancellor of Germanydid Adolf Hitler really show his hand and reveal that he intended totake over other countries....
27. Chaim escapes from a mental hospital Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, “Are you Jewish?” The man says, “No.” Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, “You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?” The man replies, “No!” […]...
28. A Jewish Mother Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I […]...
29. Перевод слова commission Commission – доверенность, полномочия, комиссия Перевод слова To go beyond one’s commission – превысить полномочия in commission – имеющий полномочия, уполномоченный dormant commission – неоформленная доверенность The boy departed to execute his Commission. Мальчик отправился исполнять поручение. He was Commissioned lieutenant in April 1861. Он был произведен в лейтенанты в апреле 1861 г. She gets […]...
30. Значение идиомы on die money [on die money] {adv. phr.} Exactly right; exactly accurate. Algernon won the lottery; the numbers he picked were right on themoney. Compare: ON THE NOSE....
31. A theological debate Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the […]...
32. Перевод слова silent Silent – безмолвный, тихий, бессловесный Перевод слова The silent falling of snow – бесшумный снегопад silent film – немой фильм silent prayer – безмолвная молитва The streets were Silent. Улицы были безмолвны. The audience fell Silent. Публика замолчала. He uttered a vulgarity and was Silent. Он сказал какую-то грубость и замолчал. Интересные факты “Сайлент Хилл” […]...
33. Hitler and the Eiffel Tower Adolf Hitler and his entourage pose in front of the Eiffel Tower shortly after the fall of France. One of the most recognized structures in the world is located in Paris, France. With just those clues alone (well and the title of the post…) many have already guessed that this post is about the Eiffel […]...
34. A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these […]...
35. Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, […]...
36. Перевод слова support Support – поддержка, помощь, поддерживать Перевод слова To get no support – не получить поддержки to support an arch – поддерживать арку to support a family – содержать семью Which team do you Support? За какую команду вы болеете? I cannot Support even the idea of it. Я не могу выносить даже мысли об этом. […]...
37. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
38. Being hurt A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. […]...
39. There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says” Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.” The drunks replies,” I’m sorry I […]...
40. A man sat quietly reading his morning paper A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with “Daisy” written on it?” Man: “Oh honey, […]...