A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites

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1. Appeals Court Orders Woman Who Hid $1.3 Million Lottery Jackpot From Estranged Husband to Give It to HimA woman who kept $1.3 million in lottery winnings secret from her estranged husband to avoid having to give him half in their divorce settlement will now have to turn over the whole pot to him, this district’s Court of Appeal ruled Friday. Denise Rossi must give up her entire lottery share under a Family ... Читать далее...
2. Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boyTwo friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a new pistol. On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each ... Читать далее...
3. Marriage quotes 14This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that ... Читать далее...
4. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his motherA young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.» The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women ... Читать далее...
5. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
6. A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a partyA whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. «Why not?» said I. «Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all ... Читать далее...
7. How MIT Students Won $8 Million in the Massachusetts LotteryMIT students figured out how to make winning the Massachusetts lottery a sure thing, and a recent investigation suggests that the lottery commission knew about it. Maybe Uncle Ben was right: With great power comes great responsibility. While most students at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology use their powers for good — for example, ... Читать далее...
8. Winning the LotteryDaniela: I got our Lottery tickets during my lunch break. The Jackpot is up to $168 million. Imagine if we won. Boris: Thanks for getting mine, too. When is the drawing? Daniela: Saturday at 6 PM. It’s being Televised on channel 4. Boris: What would you do if you had $168 million? Daniela: The first ... Читать далее...
9. A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him backA guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these ... Читать далее...
10. A Jewish lady named Mrs. RosenbergA Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort — one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, «Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.» The Jewish lady said, «But your sign says that you have vacancies.» ... Читать далее...
11. Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites herStacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, ... Читать далее...
12. Jewish flyA man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in ... Читать далее...
13. Redneck wins lotteryA Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says «I want my $20 million.» To which the man replied, «No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest ... Читать далее...
14. In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish manIn Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about ... Читать далее...
15. How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father’s business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin....
16. What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says, «If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.» A Jewish mother says, «If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.»...
17. A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flyingA Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: «Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that ... Читать далее...
18. A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriendA Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. «What’s this,» ... Читать далее...
19. A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatristA Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. «I am so obsessed with my mother… As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and ... Читать далее...
20. A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonadeA Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he’ll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: «Go stand on the corner for ... Читать далее...
21. The first Jewish woman President is electedThe first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother: «Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.» «I don’t know, what would I wear?» «Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker» «But I only eat kosher food» «Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get ... Читать далее...
22. Family(topic by Shapkina Lyuba)Your family are probably the most important people in your life. Families consist of parents and children. But we can also say that family is a group of people consisting of a parent and children and their close relations. I think that it is better to have a big family because your relations always help ... Читать далее...
23. A present for the anniversaryA middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, «So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?» She says, «Bernie, I want a divorce.» He says, «I wasn’t planning on spending that much.»...
24. Значение идиомы out of commission[out of commission] {adj. phr.} 1. Retired from active militaryservice; no longer on active duty. When the war was over, manywarships were placed out of commission. Contrast: IN COMMISSION.2. Not in use or not working; so that it cannot work or be used. The strike put the airline out of commission for a week. Johnwill ... Читать далее...
25. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to CaliforniaAn old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, «Operator, giff me beck the party!» She says, «I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.» He says, «What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.» She ... Читать далее...
26. Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotelBerkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. «Bartender,» he says, «give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.» When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы in commission[in commission] or [into commission] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. Onduty or ready to be put on duty by a naval or military service; inactive service. The old battleship has been in commission fortwenty years. It took many months to build the new bomber, and nowit is ready to be put into commission. 2. In ... Читать далее...
28. Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод слова supportSupport — поддержка, помощь, поддерживать Перевод слова To get no support — не получить поддержки to support an arch — поддерживать арку to support a family — содержать семью Which team do you Support? За какую команду вы болеете? I cannot Support even the idea of it. Я не могу выносить даже мысли об этом. ... Читать далее...
30. A Jewish MotherHi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I ... Читать далее...
31. The RabbiThere is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up ... Читать далее...
32. Перевод слова commissionCommission — доверенность, полномочия, комиссия Перевод слова To go beyond one’s commission — превысить полномочия in commission — имеющий полномочия, уполномоченный dormant commission — неоформленная доверенность The boy departed to execute his Commission. Мальчик отправился исполнять поручение. He was Commissioned lieutenant in April 1861. Он был произведен в лейтенанты в апреле 1861 г. She gets ... Читать далее...
33. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
34. Значение идиомы on die money[on die money] {adv. phr.} Exactly right; exactly accurate. Algernon won the lottery; the numbers he picked were right on themoney. Compare: ON THE NOSE....
35. Значение идиомы stand for[stand for] {v.} 1. To be a sign of; make you think of; mean. The letters «U. S. A.» stand for «United States of America.» Thewritten sign «=» in an arithmetic problem stands for «equals.» Ourflag stands for our country. The owl stands for wisdom. 2. Tospeak in favor of something, or show that you ... Читать далее...
36. Family Life — Семейная жизньFamily is very important for every person. It’s a special unit of society, which matters the most. The human nature has a need to always communicate, to have friends, partners and children, to share emotions and experience. So, loneliness is a bit unnatural for people. For this reasons everybody has a family. It isn’t surprising ... Читать далее...
37. Marriage quotes 11My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one ... Читать далее...
38. ThanksgivingThanksgiving reminds us to be Grateful, but for a lot of people, the holiday also means a weekend of eating a lot and watching football. And, my family is No exception. My family likes to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner each year. We invite people from our Extended family. We also invite close friends, especially ... Читать далее...
39. During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rapeDuring World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, «In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!» So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, «In ... Читать далее...
40. There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunkThere was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, «ATTENTION ALL» and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says» Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.» The drunks replies,» I’m sorry I ... Читать далее...