Visiting a Patient in the Hospital

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1. Finding a RoommateCarlos: Now that your boyfriend has moved out, you need a Roommate. There’s no way you can Afford this apartment on your own. Inez: I know, but I really don’t want to live with a Stranger. I’d have To put up with all of their Quirks. Carlos: I don’t think you have a choice. You ... Читать далее...
2. An American tourist is visiting ChinaAn American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: «How large is the population here?» «Around 1.5 billion» — the guide answers American, After a short pause: «So, what else do you do here?»...
3. Good newsHiram answers the telephone, and it’s an emergency room doctor. The doctor says, «Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.» ... Читать далее...
4. The bad news and the good newsHarry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, «Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for ... Читать далее...
5. The following statements were found on patient chartsThe following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: «The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.» «Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.» «The skin was moist ... Читать далее...
6. Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
7. The aged patient doddered intoThe aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint. «Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.» «Come on now Mr Peters,» the doctor said, «your sex drives all in your head.» «Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.»...
8. Значение идиомы visiting nurse[visiting nurse] {n.} A nurse who goes from home to home takingcare of sick people or giving help with other health problems. After John returned home from the hospital, the visiting nurse cameeach day to change his bandages....
9. An elderly patient needed a heart transplantAn elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, «We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd ... Читать далее...
10. Parts of a HospitalJordan: Excuse me, my girlfriend was brought into the hospital about two hours ago, but I can’t find her. Admissions Clerk: Why was she brought into the hospital? Jordan: I’m not sure. I got a call from her coworker, but she didn’t give me any details. Admissions Clerk: If it weren’t an accident, then she ... Читать далее...
11. A woman and her friend are visiting the zooA woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her ... Читать далее...
12. Doctor-Patient ConfidentialityDr. Green: Can I Consult you on a case of Medical ethics? Dr. Hause: Sure, I’m not a lawyer, but I can give you my opinion as another doctor. Dr. Green: That’s what I’m looking for, your honest opinion. I have a Patient who has a medical condition that can be Spread to her family, ... Читать далее...
13. Giving Birth in a HospitalIt was 2 o’clock in the morning when my wife woke me up. She is eight-and-a-half months Pregnant and she told me that her Water had broken. She said that she was having Contractions and she was sure that she was In labor. I Paged our doctor and drove to the hospital. When we arrived, ... Читать далее...
14. Посещение врача/ Visiting A DoctorНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык Visiting A Doctor Посещение врача Health problems have always worried people. In ancient times when people didn’t have any medicine or doctors, they learned to treat ailments using various plants and herbs. Today everything is simplified. Whenever people catch cold, have allergies, suffer from headaches or back pains, ... Читать далее...
15. US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary schoolUS Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: ‘I will now answer any questions you have.’ Bobby stands up and says: ‘I have four questions’: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why ... Читать далее...
16. Значение идиомы say uncle[say uncle] also [cry uncle] {v. phr.}, {informal} To say that yousurrender; admit that you have lost; admit a defeat; give up. Bobfought for five minutes, but he had to say uncle. The bullytwisted Jerry’s arm and said, «Cry uncle.» The other team wasbeating us, but we wouldn’t say uncle. Compare: GIVE IN....
17. A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleagueA prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She’s worried about the friend so she asks the doctor: Girlfriend: I’m worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ? Doctor: Well she’s 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been ... Читать далее...
18. Accountant in HeavenAn accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова emergencyEmergency — непредвиденный случай, критическкое положение Перевод слова Emergency decree — правила техники безопасности the state of emergency — чрезвычайное положение emergency work — экстренная работа; аврал The minister has called an Emergency meeting. Министр созвал экстренное заседание. Her quick thinking in an Emergency saved the baby’s life. Ее сообразительность спасла жизнь ребенка во время ... Читать далее...
20. There was this man in a mental hospitalThere was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. ... Читать далее...
21. A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walkedA visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. «Hi,» he said, «I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?» «Get lost,» she remarked, «I am Lesbian.» «Oh, really?» he asked, «How are things in Beiruit?»...
22. St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one dayAn Australian joke… St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo’s stroll up. «Your names aren’t on today’s list… let me go and ask the Boss» he says. In God’s office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo’s, and God tells Peter to go and ... Читать далее...
23. The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospitalThe medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, «Sol, I’m happy ... Читать далее...
24. Dating a Friend’s ExFareed: Where are you going? Amber: I’m going to meet Peter. Fareed: When are you going to tell Lily? Amber: Tell her what? Fareed: You know what – that you’re dating her Ex. She’s not going To take it well. Amber: I don’t know why she would Object. They Broke up over a year ago ... Читать далее...
25. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife saidVisiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the ... Читать далее...
26. Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedVisiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. «This,» she said, «I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?» «No, madam,» replied the attendant. «That one’s called a mirror.»...
27. A young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farmA young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself. The boy says, «What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?» Grandpa replies, «No sonny, just jacking!»...
28. An Emergency Airplane LandingI was nearly asleep in my seat when I heard this announcement: “Folks, this is the captain speaking from the Cockpit. We are experiencing a lot of Turbulence and I’m turning on the Fasten seatbelt sign. Please remain in your seats.” I didn’t think anything of it until a few minutes later when I heard ... Читать далее...
29. Visiting a RanchPiero: What’s all this? Annie: I’m visiting my sister and brother-in-law’s new Ranch next month and I’m getting ready for it. I know I’m a city girl, but I plan To fit right in On that ranch and work Alongside all of the other cowboys. Piero: Well, you Look the part. You’ve got your Cowboy ... Читать далее...
30. Doctor and engineerA pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic ... Читать далее...
31. John and David were both patients in a Mental hospitalJohn and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. ... Читать далее...
32. The Zen Master is visiting New York CityThe Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, «Make me one with everything.» The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box ... Читать далее...
33. Going to the Emergency RoomSaturday, 9:35 p. m. I arrive in the Emergency room. I had been at a party earlier in the evening when I accidentally cut my finger. My finger wasn’t Severed, but it did have a very deep cut and I thought I might need Stitches. I check in at the Admissions desk and I’m told ... Читать далее...
34. A city boy was visiting the country andA city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy ... Читать далее...
35. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. PeterLady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi ... Читать далее...
36. A tourist, visiting a small town in IsraelA tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to «The Unknown Soldier». At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: «Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg». The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, «As a soldier, that ... Читать далее...
37. Avoiding Topics in ConversationLila: Why aren’t you dating? I have so many friends who would love to go out with you. George: Let’s Change the subject. Talking about my Love life isn’t very interesting. Lila: But really, you’re not getting any younger and… George: Moving on! Have you seen any good movies lately? Lila: Listen, all of your ... Читать далее...
38. Visiting a MuseumI wanted to visit the National Museum, but when I arrived, it was closed. Rudy: Can you tell me the Hours of operation for the Museum? Guard: It’s open from 10 a. m. to 5 p. m., Monday through Saturday. It’s closed on Sunday. Rudy: Thanks. I’ll be back tomorrow. —— The next day, I ... Читать далее...
39. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
40. An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first timeAn Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would ... Читать далее...