There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment

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1. Humor about Ireland 2Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. «Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.» «Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?» asked the other. «Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is ... Читать далее...
2. Перевод слова cashierCashier — кассир Перевод слова A cashier’s cage — будка кассира fee payment cashier — кассир по гонорарам betting shop cashier — кассир тотализатора The Cashier overcharged me by at least $2.00. Кассир обсчитал меня не меньше чем на два доллара. The Cashier was robbed at gunpoint. Кассира ограбили, угрожая оружием. He realized that he ... Читать далее...
3. The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morningThe Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant. «Anything interesting happen over-night», asked the mortitian. «Yes», replied the assistant, «The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course» «What was the cause of death», enquired the mortition. «I’m not sure»,replied the assistant. «But she’s got ... Читать далее...
4. A guy was driving home one eveningA guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was «now or never», he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and ... Читать далее...
5. A man walks into a jewellers shopA man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: «I’m sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop.» «Well, put two hands and a face on this.» replies the man....
6. Перевод слова cockCock — петух; драчун, заводила Перевод слова Fighting cock — бойцовый петух cock of the school — первый драчун в школе old cock — дружище, старина We sat till the second Cock. Мы сидели до вторых петухов. A Cock crowed in the distance. Вдалеке кукарекал петух. The Cock crowed as the sun began to rise. ... Читать далее...
7. Перевод слова bucketBucket — ведро Перевод слова Empty bucket — пустое ведро full bucket — полное ведро drop in the bucket — капля в море He sank the Bucket into the well. Он опустил ведро в колодец. The Greek, that great well whence we Bucket up our terms. Греческий язык, этот великий источник, из которого мы черпаем ... Читать далее...
8. The Supermarket CheckoutI went to the supermarket to do my weekly shopping. The Cashiers at this market are usually pretty friendly, but this one must have been having a hard day. Cashier: Excuse me, sir, this Lane is for 15 items or less. It looks like you have more than that. Yong: No, actually I have exactly ... Читать далее...
9. The Supermarket CheckoutI went to the supermarket to do my weekly shopping. The Cashiers at this market are usually pretty friendly, but this one must have been having a hard day. Cashier: Excuse me, sir, this Lane is for 15 items or less. It looks like you have more than that. Yong: No, actually I have exactly ... Читать далее...
10. An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USAAn Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical «service» smile and «Have a nice day!» The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day ... Читать далее...
11. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
12. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
13. A little delusionThe weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore ... Читать далее...
14. Диалог на английском языке с переводом «Сувениры (Souvenirs)»По-английски Перевод на русский Shop assistant: Good afternoon, ma’am. How can I help you? Продавец: Добрый день, мэм. Чем могу вам помочь? Christina: Good afternoon. I’m looking for a present for my friend. It’s his birthday today and I don’t know what’s best to buy. Кристина: Добрый день. Я ищу подарок для своего друга. У ... Читать далее...
15. Birth controlSome women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says «We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.» The next woman says «I am too but we use the rhythm method.» The third woman says «We use the bucket and saucer method.» «What the heck is ... Читать далее...
16. Значение идиомы cock-and-bull story[cock-and-bull story] {n. phr.} An exaggerated or unbelievable story. «Stop feeding me such cock-and-bull stories,» the detective said to the suspect....
17. An infamous stud with a long list of conquestsAn infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. «I’m scared out of my mind,» the stud replied. «Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop ... Читать далее...
18. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
19. Very dangerous mixThis was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and ... Читать далее...
20. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
21. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious itemsA man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with «WWJD» printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for ... Читать далее...
22. Значение идиомы close up shop[close up shop] {v. phr.} 1. To shut a store at the end of a day’s business, also, to end a business. The grocer closes up shop at 5 o’clock. After 15 years in business at the same spot, the garage closed up shop. 2. {informal} To stop some activity; finish what you are doing. ... Читать далее...
23. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
24. Please show the I. DThe following supposedly a true story. This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the ... Читать далее...
25. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the doorOn his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. «Would it be right,» he asked, «for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?» «Absolutely not!» replied the pastor. «In that case,» said the young man, «I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid ... Читать далее...
26. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
27. Another ethnic jokeA man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, «What a Pollack.» The Polish man said, «I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.» ... Читать далее...
28. Диалог на английском языке с переводом «В магазине одежды (At The Clothes’ Store)»По-английски Перевод на русский Assistant: Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you? Консультант: Доброе утро, мэм. Чем я могу Вам помочь? Customer: I’m looking for a pair of jeans. Where can I find them? Покупатель: Я ищу джинсы. Где я могу их найти? Assistant: They are over there, ma’am. Which size do you wear? ... Читать далее...
29. Диалог на английском языке с переводом «В магазине продуктов (At The Grocery Store)»По-английски Перевод на русский Assistant: Good afternoon. Can I help you, sir? Ассистент: Добрый день. Могу я Вам помочь, сэр? Customer: Good afternoon. Yes, tell me, please, where is the dairy department? Покупатель: Добрый день. Да, подскажите мне, пожалуйста, где молочный отдел? Assistant: It’s right behind that shelf with chocolate bars. Go straight till the ... Читать далее...
30. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
31. Finding a Chinese JewSid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. «Sid,» asked Al, «are there any Jews in China?» «I don’t know,» Sid replied. «Why don’t we ask the waiter?» When the waiter came by, Al asked him, «Are there any Chinese Jews?» «I don’t know sir, let me ask,» the waiter replied, and he went ... Читать далее...
32. A man was riding in the back of his limousineA man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?» he asked the man. «I don’t have any money for food,» the poor man replied. «Oh, please come ... Читать далее...
33. Touring WashingtonA blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, «Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?» The officer replied, «Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. ... Читать далее...
34. Перевод слова assistantAssistant — помощник, ассистент, сотрудник Перевод слова Assistant driller — помощник бурильщика assistant examiner — помощник эксперта chairside assistant — помощник стоматолога She motioned to her Assistant. Она кивнула своим помощником. He deputized me as his Assistant. Он назначил меня своим ассистентом. Происхождение слова assistant Образовано от глагола Assist (помогать, содействовать) c помощью суффикса — ... Читать далее...
35. Fake Niceness — Искусственная любезностьI have to deal a lot with various people, including shop assistants and waiters. And I`ve recently faced a serious problem which I`ve called «fake niceness». One day I walked into a Drug Store, because I badly need a pain-reliever. The girl at the till asked me nothing about my chose but about my day ... Читать далее...
36. Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penisLorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. «Shit,» said the driver to his passenger. «What kind ... Читать далее...
37. My Usual Shopping Round — Мои обычные покупкиWe go shopping every day. The other day my mother took me on a usual shopping round. We went to the grocer’s and greengrocer’s as we had run out of sugar and onions. At the greengrocer’s there was a long queue. But we had nothing to do but stand in the queue if we wanted ... Читать далее...
38. Last minute requestsA man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, «Give it to me straight. How long have I got?» The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, «Call for my lawyer.» When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his ... Читать далее...
39. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
40. There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over AfricaThere was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a ... Читать далее...