Proctology findings

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1. A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to tryA blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes ... Читать далее...
2. An Unusual AilmentA man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the ... Читать далее...
3. I’ll use my Seeing Eye DogA blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite ... Читать далее...
4. ProctologistsOf all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it’s not «mortician;» by then it’s too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is «proctologist;» the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 ... Читать далее...
5. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one dayAn eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. «If you get in the car,» the driver says, «I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.» The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an ... Читать далее...
6. Deserted island golfA man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, «It’s not a ship.» The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, «It’s not a boat.» The speck gets even closer and he thinks, «It’s not a raft.» ... Читать далее...
7. Ass-corkedTwo guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, «How’d you get a cork in your ass?» The other guy says, «I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a ... Читать далее...
8. The Eighteen BottlesI had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with ... Читать далее...
9. Winnie The????«Winnie The????» It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she ... Читать далее...
10. A hot mealTwo starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his ... Читать далее...
11. Фразовый глагол butt in on — перевод и значение, пример использованияФразовый глагол: butt in on Фразовый глагол: butt in on разг. Перевод: невежливо вмешиваться, прерывать Пример: It’s rude to butt in on a conversation like that! Невоспитанно вмешиваться в разговор подобным образом!...
12. Перевод слова practicePractice — практика, применение; привычка Перевод слова To put into practice — осуществлять, проводить в жизнь international practice — международная практика practice of trade — торговый обычай in practice — на практике, на деле, фактически I cannot be a votary to this Practice. Я не могу быть сторонником этой деятельности. The Practice threatens to become ... Читать далее...
13. This black guy is walking along a beach whenThis black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he’ll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a ... Читать далее...
14. Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamentingTwo drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, «I just ... Читать далее...
15. Перевод слова strangeStrange — незнакомый, странный, необычный Перевод слова Strange malady — странная болезнь in strange lands — в чужих краях strange tongue — незнакомый язык He had a Strange way of talking. У него была странная манера говорить. She behaved in a Strange fashion. Она вела себя очень странно. I don’t like Strange people coming into ... Читать далее...
16. Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visitLittle Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he’s never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, «What’s that, Miss?» Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, «That’s what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy.» Tommy thinks for a ... Читать далее...
17. Значение идиомы out of practice[out of practice] {adj. phr.} Not in proper condition; unable to dosomething well because of lack of practice. The basketball team gotout of practice during the Christmas holidays. Compare: OUT OF SHAPE. Contrast: IN PRACTICE....
18. Looking to buy a frogA man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, «If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?» The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. ... Читать далее...
19. Значение идиомы road[road] See: ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME, BURN UP THE ROAD, END OF THEROAD, GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD, HIT THE ROAD, HUG THE ROAD, MIDDLE OFTHE ROAD, ON THE ROAD....
20. The reason for runningA police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, «It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give ... Читать далее...
21. Buying a chainsawThis fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, «Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line ... Читать далее...
22. A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golfA fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, ... Читать далее...
23. Stagecoach surpriseI had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into ... Читать далее...
24. An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ftAn Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: «Tail gunner to pilot…Tail gunner to pilot..» The eagle says «what ... Читать далее...
25. I own the fastest carA man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on ... Читать далее...
26. A nun is walking down a deserted road whenA nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, «Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?» «I’ll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice….unless you’re ... Читать далее...
27. A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peersA drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some «real» musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says «I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.» The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies «OK, ... Читать далее...
28. A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcutA drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and ... Читать далее...
29. A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed manA few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when ... Читать далее...
30. Grave musicA tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that ... Читать далее...
31. In case of emergencyA car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming ... Читать далее...
32. Перевод слова roadRoad — дорога, путь, направление Перевод слова Dusty road — пыльная дорога road embankment — дорожная насыпь equipment for road construction — оборудование для дорожного строительства at a fork in the road — на распутье Are we on the right Road? Мы по той дороге едем? Redd the Road! Дорогу! The college is easily accessible ... Читать далее...
33. A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it overA cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, «I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.» ... Читать далее...
34. Значение идиомы strange to say[strange to say] {adv. phr.} Not what you might think;surprisingly. — Used for emphasis. Strange to say, Jerry doesn’tlike candy. Strange to say, the Indians didn’t kill Daniel Boone....
35. Soap dispenserTwo priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back ... Читать далее...
36. Значение идиомы on the road[on the road] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. Traveling; moving from oneplace to another. When we go on vacation, we take a lunch to eatwhile on the road. Mr. Smith is on the road for his insurancecompany. 2. Changing; going from one condition to another. Marywas very sick for several weeks, but now she is ... Читать далее...
37. Doing the DishesA young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова popPop — выстрел, хлопок; модный, массовый, популярный Перевод слова Pop music — поп-музыка pop culture — поп-культура, массовая культура to have a pop at a rabbit — пульнуть в кролика the pop of a cork — хлопанье пробки A balloon Popped. Воздушный шар лопнул. He Popped me on the head. Он ударил меня по голове. ... Читать далее...
39. These Chickens want BooksA pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ ... Читать далее...
40. A man and a woman are on an elevator at the topA man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world’s tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don’t work, the emergency phone doesn’t work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams «We’re going to ... Читать далее...