Modems beat women

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1. Women’s instructionsWOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So ... Читать далее...
2. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
3. Conversation over dinnerConversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not — don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) ... Читать далее...
4. I’ve never understood why women love catsI’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, ... Читать далее...
5. Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinksThree women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, ... Читать далее...
6. Three guys are discussing womenThree guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»...
7. Перевод слова obeyObey — повиноваться, подчиняться, руководствоваться Перевод слова To obey orders — выполнять приказания to obey one’s superiors — подчиняться старшим; слушаться старших listen and obey! — слушайте и повинуйтесь! to obey the rule — следовать правилу to obey common sense — руководствоваться здравым смыслом ‘Sit!’ he said, and the dog Obeyed him instantly. — Сядь! ... Читать далее...
8. Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their busTwo old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, «You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!’. The other woman turned to her and said «I know! I ... Читать далее...
9. The astronomy jokesNASA just disclosed details why the rover wouldn’t accept any commands. They took a picture of the rover’s built-in display which showed a windows screen and the text «press any key to continue». It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found proof of life on Mars. The cd player ... Читать далее...
10. Women seeking men«WOMEN SEEKING MEN» Classifieds 40-ish means: 48 Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate means: Possessive Artist means: Unreliable Average looking means: You figure this one out Beautiful means: Pathological liar Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile means: ... Читать далее...
11. University courses for men and womenWhatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do ... Читать далее...
12. Women’s translationsWOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. We need… = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ... Читать далее...
13. Talking About Attractive Men and WomenPamela: You know that your tongue is hanging out of your mouth, right? David: That’s because I’ve never seen so many beautiful women in one place before. Why have I never been to this beach before? Look at her! She’s a Hottie! Pamela: Isn’t that what you said about that woman over there? David: No, ... Читать далее...
14. Are computers males or females? TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALEAre computers males or females? You decide. TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE: 5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection. 3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than ... Читать далее...
15. A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly womanA guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder…I’ll sleep with you.» Guy says: «An alligator?» Woman says: «Close enough»...
16. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselvesA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, «I’m ... Читать далее...
17. Computers are femaleThe top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод идиомы beat around the bush / beat about the bush, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: beat around the bush / beat about the bush Перевод: ходить вокруг да около; говорить уклончиво и не по существу Пример: Stop beating around the bush and give us your final decision. Хватит ходить вокруг да около, скажи свое окончательное решение....
19. Education for womenContinuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His ... Читать далее...
20. Marriage quotes 11My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one ... Читать далее...
21. Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blondeThree women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: » OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.» She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says «It feels like ... Читать далее...
22. Dictionary for womenArgument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, ... Читать далее...
23. Значение идиомы rock’n’roll[rock’n’roll] or [rock and roll] {n.} A style of popular music withheavily accented rhythm. Rock’n’roll appeals mostly to youngstersnine to sixteen years old. Rock and roll became popular for dancesabout 1954....
24. Showering: Men v. WomenHow To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more ... Читать далее...
25. Calling Tech SupportI recently Signed up for a new ISP for my office, using DSL. I managed to get the Modem and the Router Configured properly, but now my email won’t work. I Dug out the manual that came with the modem and called the Toll-free line for Technical support. I’m not a big fan of most ... Читать далее...
26. European Women Yesterday and Today — Европейские женщины вчера и сегодняIn the 17th century rich women normally were taught at home by a tutor, they were taught subjects like Latin, French, Needlework and they were also taught how to look pretty and to play the piano and other instruments. When they became older their parents decided who they were going to marry and the family ... Читать далее...
27. A Change Of VowsDuring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. «Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d ... Читать далее...
28. Bragging About Success With WomenJonah: I’d love to get a date with Jessica. She’s so hot! Becca: You mean you want To add another notch to your bedpost. Jonah: I’ve Been around the block, but there’s nothing wrong with Sowing a few wild oats. That’s all part of being young and Carefree. Becca: Hmm, maybe you shouldn’t be telling ... Читать далее...
29. Значение идиомы beat down[beat down] {v.} 1. To crush or break the spirit of; win over; conquer. All their defenses were beaten down by the tanks. 2. {informal} a. To try to get reduced; force down by discussing. Can we beat down the price? B. To persuade or force to accept alower price or easier payments. He tried ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова simpleSimple — простой, скромный, простодушный Перевод слова Simple explanation — простое объяснение simple fare — простая пища that is very simple of you — это очень глупо с вашей стороны There is no Simple answer. Простого ответа не существует. The melody is very Simple. Эта мелодия очень простая. The Simple rules evaded them. Простые правила ... Читать далее...
31. Перевод слова sleepSleep — спать, ночевать Перевод слова To sleep easily — спать спокойно sleep deprivation — недостаток сна, недосыпание to drift into sleep — погрузиться в сон Did you Sleep well? Ты хорошо спал? He went back to Sleep. Он снова заснул. The boat Sleeps six. Катер располагает шестью спальными местами. Интересные факты «Прежде, чем я ... Читать далее...
32. A Good ListenerWoman: Hi, Long time no see. How have you been? Man: Oh, I’ve been fine, but I’m having some trouble with my son. Woman: Tell me all about it. Man: Oh, he’s 14 and in the past few months, he’s become quieter and a bit Secretive. He locks himself in his room and I think ... Читать далее...
33. Understanding Men and WomenLucy: Jeff, Here’s a question. I was Just talking to Dawn. You know, they had their first Wedding anniversary last week. Guess what her husband gave her as a present. Jeff: I don’t know. What? Lucy: He gave her a Vacuum cleaner. Jeff: Didn’t she want a vacuum cleaner? Lucy: Yes, the old one was ... Читать далее...
34. A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each otherA Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы sleep like a log[sleep like a log] {v. phr.} To sleep very deeply and soundly. Although I am usually a light sleeper, I was so exhausted from thesixteen-hour transpacific flight that, once we got home, I slept likea log for twelve hours....
36. Значение идиомы sleep out[sleep out] {v.} 1. To sleep outdoors. The Scouts plan to sleepout next Saturday. 2. To go home at night instead of sleeping at theplace where you work. Mrs. Jones’ maid sleeps in, but her cooksleeps out....
37. 3 pregnant women were waiting3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies. Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one… «What was that?», the other two ask, curiously. «Calcium tablet. Good ... Читать далее...
38. One night, an 87-year-old womanOne night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to ... Читать далее...
39. Перевод слова rollRoll — рулон, свиток; катить Перевод слова A roll of wall-paper — рулон обоев a roll of paper — бумажный свиток to roll a ball along the ground — катить мяч по земле The child Rolled down the hill. Ребенок скатился с горы. She Rolled the ball. Она выкатила мяч. The great river Rolled on. ... Читать далее...
40. A woman was thinking about finding a petA woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large ... Читать далее...