Kick-ass sermon

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1. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do […]...
2. Перевод слова donkey Donkey – осел, дурак Перевод слова Donkey driver – погонщик ослов donkey work – ишачий труд to win the donkey race – прийти последним The Donkey is a relative of the horse. Осел – это родственник лошади. I’ve had this jacket for Donkey’s years. Этой куртке уже сто лет. A mule is a cross between […]...
3. Перевод слова refer Refer – направлять, отсылать, ссылаться Перевод слова To refer to arbitration – передавать в арбитраж to refer to court – направить в суд to refer to a precedent – сослаться на прецедент They Referred me to the manager. Меня отослали к менеджеру. He Referred to me for some advice. Он обратился ко мне за советом. […]...
4. Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses “I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.” and Moses says “Yeah sure.” So Jesus gets up and says “I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.” So Jesus […]...
5. The last request Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. “What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Farther O’Grady. “Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary. “Well what is it, Mary?” “Well, my husband, passed away last night, […]...
6. Перевод слова nervous Nervous – нервный Перевод слова Nervous exhaustion – нервное истощение nervous giggle – нервный смех nervous disorder – нервное расстройство the higher nervous system – высшая нервная деятельность Don’t be Nervous. Не волнуйтесь. It was a very Nervous situation. Обстановка была очень нервной. Sit back, there’s no need to be Nervous. Расслабься, беспокоиться не о […]...
7. Nervous at an Interview II I was Just in time for my interview and I was very nervous. I walked up to the Receptionist. She was talking into a Headset and typing on her keyboard. David: Good morning. I’m David Laso. I have an appointment with Dale Mendoza at 10 o’clock. Could you please let her know that I’m here? […]...
8. Перевод слова contest Contest – состязание, конкурс Перевод слова To enter a contest – вступить в спор, вступить в дискуссию beauty contest – конкурс красоты close contest – состязание равных соперников The Contest between capitalism and socialism is over. Противоборство капитализма и социализма закончилось. His brothers are Contesting the will. Его братья оспаривают завещание. Will you enter the […]...
9. Перевод слова mass Mass – масса, массовый Перевод слова Critical mass – критическая масса mass evacuation – массовая эвакуация shapeless mass – бесформенная масса Television is a Mass medium. Телевидение – средство массовой информации. Her face was a Mass of wrinkles. Ее лицо было скоплением морщин. He is a Mass of bruises. Он весь в синяках....
10. Bet made at the local bar A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy […]...
11. Nervous at an Interview I I was On my way to an interview and there was a lot of Traffic on the road. I got to the office In the nick of time For my appointment. I walked into the Lobby of the building and looked at the Directory. I saw that Casey Enterprises was on the Penthouse floor and […]...
12. A Burglar is in Big Trouble A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!” Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his […]...
13. Перевод идиомы donkey’s years, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: donkey’s years Идиома: donkey’s years разг. Перевод: много лет, долгое время Пример: I’ve known him for donkey’s years. Я знаю его уже много лет....
14. Значение идиомы best bib and tucker [best bib and tucker] or [Sunday best] or [Sunday go-to-meeting clothes] {n. phr.}, {informal} Best clothes or outfit of clothing. The cowboy got all dressed up in his best bib and tucker to go to the dance. Mary went to the party in her Sunday best and made a hit with the boys. Compare: GLAD […]...
15. A crowd had gathered around a whore and A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her. Jesus stepped in front of her and said: “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.” From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked […]...
16. A fine sermon A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher’s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand. “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon.” The preacher says “Why thank you sir, but we don’t used profanity in the house of the […]...
17. ZHow offensive is that? How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. “Paul… Paul,” He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes […]...
18. Значение идиомы kick oneself [kick oneself] {v. phr.}, {informal} To be sorry or ashamed;regret. When John missed the train, he kicked himself for nothaving left earlier. Mary could have kicked herself for lettingthe secret out before it was announced officially....
19. Перевод слова Sunday Sunday – Воскресенье Перевод слова To stay over until Sunday – остаться до воскресенья of a Sunday – по воскресеньям Sunday school – воскресная школа We like to walk every Sunday. Нам нравится гулять каждое воскресенье. My birthday falls on Sunday. Мой день рождения попадает на воскресенье. Brian had an MRI taken Sunday. Брайану сделали […]...
20. Ancients rule! A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and […]...
21. A preacher was completing a temperance sermon A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” […]...
22. Значение идиомы kick up one’s heels [kick up one’s heels] {v. phr.}, {informal} To have a merry time;celebrate. When exams were over the students went to town to kickup their heels. Mary was usually very quiet but at the farewellparty she kicked up her heels and had a wonderful time....
23. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone […]...
24. Значение идиомы kick in the pants [kick in the pants] or [kick in the teeth] {n. phr.}, {informal}Unexpected scorn or insult when praise was expected; rejection. Mary worked hard to clean up John’s room, but all she got for hertrouble was a kick in the teeth. Compare: SLAP IN THE FACE....
25. Значение идиомы Jesus boots [Jesus boots] or [Jesus shoes] {n.}, {slang} Men’s sandals, particularly as worn by hippies and very casually dressed people. Idig your Jesus boots, man, they look cool....
26. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
27. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD” printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for […]...
28. And Jesus said unto his disciples And Jesus said unto his disciples, “Whom do men say that I am?” And His disciples answered unto Him, “Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.” And Jesus said, “What?”...
29. The Naming of Jesus A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that […]...
30. A glass of water Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall – a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight pin. Naturally they won’t believe, so you set out to prove it. Get a glass of water and a pin. Hold the glass up to the wall and start to pin […]...
31. The three wise men are out for a stroll when The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. “Jesus Christ!” he says. Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a […]...
32. Humor about Irish Marriages Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving […]...
33. John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. […]...
34. Tarantino This guy comes into a bar walks to the bartender and says” Bartender, I got a bet for you. I’ll bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a drop.” The bartender looks at the glass. It’s 3 meters away. He says……”You’re telling me you’ll bet me $300 […]...
35. Значение идиомы people who live in glass houses should not throw stones [people who live in glass houses should not throw stones] Do notcomplain about other people if you are as bad as they are. – Aproverb. Mary says that Betty is jealous, but Mary is more jealousherself. People who live in glass houses should not throw stones....
36. A nun arrives at the local bar John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John […]...
37. David Copperfield is doing his magic show and David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. “I will”, replies a guy in the audience, “but I’m going to need your wife Claudia and a table.” “Ok”, says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down […]...
38. Man goes to a fancy dress party Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis. Lady asks, “What are you?” He says, “I’m a fireman.” “But you’re only wearing a glass jar,” says the woman. He says, “Exactly, in an emergency, break glass.” Pull knob and I’ll cum as fast as I can!”...
39. Значение идиомы so much [so much ] {adj.} 1. A limited amount of; some. Sometimesstudents wonder if the teacher knows they have only so much time to dotheir lessons. If you can’t give everyone a full glass of milk, just put so much milk in each glass. 2. Equally or amounting to; onlyamounting to. – Often used for emphasis. […]...
40. Mending a Broken Heart David: Why has Joyce been Moping around all week? What’s wrong with her? Victoria: She’s Suffering from a broken heart. Her boyfriend Broke up with her over the weekend. They had been together for two years. David: Did she tell you the Gruesome details? Victoria: Not really. She just said that she’s feeling Depressed and […]...