Jokes

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender «Do you serve lawyers here?» «Sure do,» replied the bartender. «Good,» said the customer, «Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.»

A man walks into a shoe store… …and tries on a pair of shoes. «How do they feel?» asks the sales clerk. «Well… they feel a bit tight.» replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. «Try pulling the tongue out.» offers the clerk. … Читать далее

«You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When……» You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, «What’s this?», you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, «I waited on the last fat ugly old … Читать далее

«Miss Jones, we can’t employ you as a model,» the editor from the men’s magazine explained. «It’s too obvious that your blonde hair isn’t natural, since the hair between your legs is black.» The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor’s fingers. «What the hell did you do that for!» … Читать далее

During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols: The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of … Читать далее

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About … Читать далее

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during … Читать далее

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, «Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.» Jon says, «I haven’t got the fingers.» The doctor says, «What do … Читать далее

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an «escort» service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker says, «I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that’s for … Читать далее

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mervcury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to … Читать далее

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss. The brain said, «I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks.» The hands said, «I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person.» The legs declared, «I shuld be boss since I carry the body and … Читать далее

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous … Читать далее

In January 1994, ‘The Economist’ magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O’Leary’s success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory’s helping McDonald’s to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on … Читать далее

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, «It’s OK. We get it on every week … Читать далее

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, «Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.» New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:»I want to … Читать далее

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, «Darling am I the first man to make love to you?» Her tone … Читать далее

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. «Guess what I got planned for dinner?» she asked seductively. «And don’t you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.»

A kid goes up to his father and says, «Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?» His father says, «No…how old?» He says, «I’m eleven!» He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, «Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?» She says, «Come closer…» She unzips his jeans and reaches her … Читать далее

A man calls his family doctor: Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help. Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her.

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I … Читать далее

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, «Come on man, I … Читать далее

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, «How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?» After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and … Читать далее

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a … Читать далее

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s … Читать далее

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our … Читать далее

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The … Читать далее

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. «I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,» he announced. «Will the laziest man please put his hand up.» Nine hands went up. «Why … Читать далее

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. «Why, my outfit was so well drilled,» declared one, «that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.» «Very good,» conceded the other, «but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.» «What was the jingle?» … Читать далее

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the … Читать далее

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, «Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!» The following morning the … Читать далее

Boss, to four of his employees: «I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.» Black Employee: «I’m a protected minority.» Female Employee: «And I’m a woman.» Oldest Employee: «Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.» …To which … Читать далее

Are You Ready for Children? Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego’s. (If … Читать далее

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became … Читать далее

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, «I’m … Читать далее

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, «Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.» Sam says, «Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?» Herb says, «You’ll going to … Читать далее

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the … Читать далее

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right. «I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a … Читать далее

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. «Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?» The cousin smirked and replied, «Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.»

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says «Hello». The voice at the end of the phone says «Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.» SH smiles to himself, «Come on Paddy», he says, … Читать далее

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the … Читать далее

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with … Читать далее

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: «What does the cow say?» Child: «Moooo!» Mother: «Great! What does the cat say?» Child: «Meow.» Mother: «Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?» And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, «Bud.»

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to … Читать далее

The child was a typical four-year-old girl — cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, … Читать далее

By Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light … Читать далее

1. Be thankful you haven’t been spammed! 2. Be thankful your computer isn’t down! 3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn’t down! 4. Be thankful you don’t have The Good Times virus! 5. Be thankful your server isn’t down! 6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse! 7. Be thankful no … Читать далее

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: «Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?» The man looked down his nose and replied: «Son, I’m head of the English … Читать далее

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, «Pinkie» as he was known to his friends and … Читать далее

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. «Is that your grandmother?» I asked Chris when he boarded. «Yes,» Chris said. «She’s come to visit us for Christmas.» «How nice,» I said. «Where does she live?» … Читать далее

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. «I’ve been insulted,» she sobbed. «Your mother insulted me.» «My mother!» he exclaimed. «But she is a hundred miles away.» «I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.» He looked stern, «I see, but where … Читать далее