A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. «I don’t want to know!» the child said, bursting into tears. «Promise me you won’t tell me.» Confused, the father asked what was wrong. «Oh dad,» the boy sobbed, «when I was 6 I got the there’s no … Читать далее
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole Certificate of Upgrade To Complete Asshole Is awarded to ————————————————————- In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others During Your Lifetime, You … Читать далее
Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, «Johnny. This is where you come from.» Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as «Lucky Johnny.» … Читать далее
The Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported that Yugoslavian air defenses had shot down a NATO F-16 just after nightfall while the jet was on a bombing run. The plane crashed into an empty field, creating a huge crater. Serbian search and rescue workers have recovered 307 bodies so far, proving that NATO is using Albanian … Читать далее
After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. «Is that your husband?» he inquired nervously. «No, silly,» she replied, snuggling up to him. «Your boyfriend then?» … Читать далее
Tourist guide at zoo: «Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… … Читать далее
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he … Читать далее
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and … Читать далее
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. «Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!», he whined. «You yuppies are so … Читать далее
The following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, «cor! I’ve just had my first blow-job and it was great! — I’ll have a large whiskey please, barman.» The man takes his whiskey and downs it. «Same again?» asks the barman. «Okay» … Читать далее
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. «So, did you … Читать далее
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up,»what the hell was that?». The truck driver replies, «some kinda animal, go back to sleep.» Further the same thing again, bang, «What the hell was that?», … Читать далее
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what’s going on. «Why are you pouring that drink on your hand»? … Читать далее
A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell. There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, «Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.» … Читать далее
December 14, 1998 Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 1998 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your … Читать далее
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. «What’s up?» he says. «I’m having a heart attack,» cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, … Читать далее
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. Q: What’s long & green & has a low I. Q.? A: A St. Patrick’s Day Parade Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can’t you borrow … Читать далее
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the … Читать далее
This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He … Читать далее
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. «HA,» he snorted, «The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!» On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. «There! I … Читать далее
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of «business,» there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are … Читать далее
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, «Pardon me, sir, but do you … Читать далее
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on … Читать далее
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with … Читать далее
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? A: Methylated Spirits! Q: How many atoms in a guacamole? A:Avocado’s number. Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole? A: Avogadros. Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry. These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: … Читать далее
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, «hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?» Well, she immediately went … Читать далее
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, «Can I smell your pussy?» The woman looks at him in disgust and says, «Certainly not!» «Hmmm,» he replies. «It must be your feet, then.»
Some selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time) MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50) HIS024 U. S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15) GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50) ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15) POLS834 U. S. DOMESTIC POLICY: … Читать далее
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says «Big Chief, no shit». the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and … Читать далее
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. «Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,» said the nun, gently patting … Читать далее
One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. … Читать далее
Memo to all students: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any … Читать далее
So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails … Читать далее
Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away … Читать далее
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along … Читать далее
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life. While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to … Читать далее
A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone. «First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission.» «Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler». Suddenly everyone … Читать далее
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, «Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.» She replied, «What other … Читать далее
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made … Читать далее
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, «It’s made in Germany». I said, «That’s too bad, I can’t use it then». The clerk said, «What’s the matter? You don’t like German pens?» I … Читать далее
Larry’s barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company… Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one … Читать далее
A man goes to his bank manager and says «I’d like to start a small business how do I go about it?» The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies «Buy a big one and wait»
Twelve days of fast food On the first day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the second day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the third day of Christmas, my drive through gave … Читать далее
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She … Читать далее
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row — the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P. M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him … Читать далее
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing … Читать далее
This guy goes into a restaurant. He’s a little more than strung out from lack of sleep. The waiter asked for his order. Trying to be funny he asked the waiter for a hit of his best heroin. Struggling to keep a straight face. The waiter says,»I’m sorry sir, we’re all out». «In that case … Читать далее
Bachelor’s Diet MONDAY: BREAKFAST — Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH — Send your secretary out for six «gutbombers» those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and … Читать далее
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that … Читать далее
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively «You’ve got great hair!» The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard … Читать далее