The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, «listen, I don’t do this for … Читать далее
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight — an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. «You see that, I reckon,» said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. «And now where would you be … Читать далее
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck … Читать далее
In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor’s … Читать далее
Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D. C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 — P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% … Читать далее
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. «What color?» they asked. He settled for white. «How much does it cost?» he asked. «Twenty dollars.» «Very good,» he thought. All that … Читать далее
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, «Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.» Steve says, «Will that keep me from getting sick?» The doctor says, «No, but it’ll look real pretty in the … Читать далее
Dumb Florida Laws Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just … Читать далее
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace … Читать далее
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid. I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. You were the answer … Читать далее
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle, but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. «Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw … Читать далее
Each year, the Washington Post’s «Style Invitational» asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: … Читать далее
A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, «Guess what I have in here and you’ll get some loving tonite.» The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, «An elephant». The wife sez «That’s close enough!»
A man walks into a bar and says, «Bartender, give me two shots.» Bartender says, «You want them both now or one at a time?» The guy says,» Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,» and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his … Читать далее
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON— written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M. ship from … Читать далее
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says «See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?» Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a … Читать далее
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, «Where are we now?» The guide said, «We’re in the great state of Texas.» «It’s a big place,» said Murphy. The … Читать далее
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, «Stop! … Читать далее
From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper’s, June 1996. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. … Читать далее
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she’s prejudice. «I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin.» «Sit down,» says the judge. «That’s the prosecuting attorney.»
The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. «Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!» the Frenchman said, smacking his lips. So the Italian shot her.
For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It’s a classic! In tribute to those ‘special’ customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with … Читать далее
The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are … Читать далее
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play. Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now? Bob: Darts? Bill: Nah. Bob: Shoot some pool? Bill: Nah. Bob: Cards? Bill: Nah. Hey, I’ve got an … Читать далее
Dear Shrink, It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions. I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day. I served stints in … Читать далее
Q: What’s the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicap zones. Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What is the difference between … Читать далее
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. «Downsizing.» He’s really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn’t seem fair. So for the next 2 days he … Читать далее
Two farmers were talking at the general store. One farmer says to the other, «Did you hear about that new variety of corn called Perot corn?» The second farmer replies,»No I ain’t.» The first farmer says, «Yeah, it’s a big yielding variety. The stalk don’t grow too big, but the ears are tremendous!»
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. «WOW!» was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, «Aren’t you … Читать далее
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, «Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, «Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in … Читать далее
Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, «What did you do on Earth?» Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. … Читать далее
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of … Читать далее
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. «Why do you do that, Mommy?» «To make myself beautiful,» said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. «What’s the matter?» asked Little Johnny. «Giving up?»
A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs. He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room. When they’re done, he said, «I’m afraid my Finnish isn’t too good.» The hooker replied, «Your foreplay ain’t all that hot either.»
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells … Читать далее
Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, … Читать далее
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The … Читать далее
Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great … Читать далее
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. «I can’t do that, officer.» «Why not?» «Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.» «Okay, we’ll just get a … Читать далее
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. «Good,» says the man. «That means I must have really escaped.»
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, «I’m going to kiss you if you can’t tell me who I am in three guesses.» She quickly answered, «George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!»
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a «Quik Stop» on the edge of town, I … Читать далее
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to … Читать далее
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of … Читать далее
Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. «To remove that vibrator,» said the doctor, «I’m going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.» «I don’t think I can afford that,» said Sally. «Could you just replace the batteries?»
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, «I heard you died.» «But you see I’m alive,» smiled the friend. «Impossible,» said the psychiatrist. «The man who told me is much more reliable than you.»
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his … Читать далее
New scientific theories 3rd RunnerUp — Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use «acronyms»; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often … Читать далее
Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, «This is Stay-Hard spray… put on a little and you can go all night!» Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a … Читать далее