Jokes

Amazing Anagrams Dormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity == Is No Amity Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture … Читать далее

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, «Oh, Jim, you’re going where no man has gone before!» The six-year-old says to his brother, «He must be fucking her up the ass!»

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NC 22269 Dear John Doe, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not … Читать далее

The teacher says, «Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is «beautiful». Little Sally, would you please come up here and use «beautiful» in a sentence?» Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for … Читать далее

YMSF: 1. Her butt has it’s own zip code. 2. When she goes to the grocery store she doesn’t need a cart — she can stack it all on her butt shelf. 3. Congress has designated her butt as a national park. 4. when she stands out front the neighbors wonder where your house went. … Читать далее

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year … Читать далее

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, «what’s the problem officer?» To which the policeman responded, «I stopped you for running that red light behind you.» Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and … Читать далее

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy’s Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, «Dad, how many people work in the U. S. government?» The father replies without hesitating, «Oh, about ten percent.»

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s … Читать далее

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, «I’ve lost my dad!» The cop asked, «What’s he like?» The little boy replied, «Beer and women with big tits.»

Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm. Q: What’s a tuba for? A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2. Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who’s driving? A: The policeman Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so. Q: … Читать далее

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, «Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.» He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, «What is your occupation?» The woman replies, «I’m a whore.» The accountant balks … Читать далее

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between … Читать далее

Quote from a recent meeting: «We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done». Quote from the Boss… «I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.» A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until … Читать далее

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. «Hmmm…muffler’s loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench.» He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and … Читать далее

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, «We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.» The next day … Читать далее

«You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,» sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. «If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,» replied the witness.

Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. «What’s bothering you so, dear?» inquired Farther O’Grady. «Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.» Replied Mary. «Well what is it, Mary?» «Well, my husband, passed away last night, … Читать далее

Radar: «Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.» Pilot: «Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?» Radar: «Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?»

«Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, … Читать далее

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) «Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now.» Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to … Читать далее

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to … Читать далее

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. «Reach up there and find out.» She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, «Oh, it’s gruesome!» «Aye, it has,» replied the Scotsman, «and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!»

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, «Three million dollars.» The accounts person is startled, and says, «In what form?» and … Читать далее

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified «No dogs.» Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, … Читать далее

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen … Читать далее

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. «I’m 90 years old,» he says. «90!» replies the woman. «Don’t you realize you’ve had it?» «Oh, sorry,» says the old man, … Читать далее

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game? Sorry, it was a freak hic! Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits! What do you get if you drop a piano on a team’s defence? A flat back four! Why did … Читать далее

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, «See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!» John replies, «Well, that’s fine, Pastor. But I can’t bring … Читать далее

A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, «Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on … Читать далее

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in … Читать далее

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, … Читать далее

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. «What did you eat for dinner last night?» asked the doctor. «Oysters,» she said. «Fresh oysters?» asked the doctor. «How should I know?» said the lady «Well,» asked the doctor, «couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?» «My Gosh,» gasped the … Читать далее

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence — a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s … Читать далее

1.The Optimist — «Yes! Yes! Yes!» 2.The Pessimist — «No! No! No!» 3.The Confused — «Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!» 4.The Asthmatic — written rendition of gasping 5.The Sprinter — «Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!» 6.The Religious — «Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! 7.The Mathematician — «More! More! More! More!

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger. The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall. The Pole, the ship’s doctor, said that they could not possibly last that long, that there was only one solution … Читать далее

The bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You … Читать далее

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, «Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!» The driver of Rolls looks … Читать далее

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. «Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven … Читать далее

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, «Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive … Читать далее

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, «I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.» Bartender: «Yeah! Sure…go ahead.» Man: «What covers a house?» Dog: «Roof!» Man: «How does sandpaper feel?» Dog: «Rough!» Man: «Who was the greatest ball player of all time?» Dog: «Ruth!» Man: … Читать далее

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. «I have just the thing,» says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. «Just place this between your cheek and gum.» The … Читать далее

«Kiss me,» said the young lady urgently. «Please kiss me.» But the young man turned his head away, saying, «Of course not. How can I? I’m your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn’t even be lying here making love.»

AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here. OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red … Читать далее

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, «CHING…CHANG…CHUN…» The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on. «Oh», said the chinee, «magic … Читать далее

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there’s House Sex: That’s when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime — much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That’s when … Читать далее

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. Man: «What was that for?» Wife: «Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with «Daisy» written on it?» Man: «Oh honey, … Читать далее

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, «Help me! Help me!» Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the … Читать далее