How many people work in the U. S. government?

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1. A pregnant woman is about to give birth A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. […]...
2. Tommy goes into a confessional box and says Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.” The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?” Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t […]...
3. Subjects for a date A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. […]...
4. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.” The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year […]...
5. Government cow types If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk. If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk. If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both […]...
6. Who is doing the work around here? The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are […]...
7. Crazy people talk A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient […]...
8. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
9. Перевод сленгового выражения work one’s ass off / work one’s tail off / work one’s buns off / work one’s butt off, значение и пример использования Сленговое выражение: work one’s ass off / work one’s tail off / work one’s buns off / work one’s butt off Сленговое выражение: work one’s ass off / work one’s tail off / work one’s buns off / work one’s butt off груб. Перевод: усердно трудиться, много работать Пример: You’ve been working your ass off […]...
10. These two guys are car pooling home from work one day These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. “Look”, he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?” The […]...
11. Перевод слова government Government – правительство, форма правления, руководство Перевод слова Government offices – правительственные учреждения constitutional government – конституционная форма правления organs of government – органы государственного управления The Government has been slow to react to the crisis. Правительство медленно реагирует на кризис. Down with the Government! Долой правительство! He came out against the Government. Он выступил […]...
12. Willy’s rolling down the hall of a retirement home Willy’s rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he’s driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing. Willy replies, “I’m going to Chicago for the weekend.” The orderly chuckles and enters Bob’s room to check on him. He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he […]...
13. A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. “What’s your name?” she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers “My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.” She goes up to the second dog and asks “What’s your name?” The […]...
14. Government Reactions to Protests Tom: Have you seen the news? Marianne: No, what’s happening? Tom: People in McQuillanland are Rising up against the Dictator and Rallying against his government. Marianne: Wow, this is big. I thought the dictator would order a Media blackout and we wouldn’t hear any news out of McQuillanland. Tom: There is a media blackout, but […]...
15. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
16. Some very common traits in two drunks A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
17. Just cut your hair first A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.” Father replies, :”O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months […]...
18. Types of People at Work Raul: Thanks for Showing me around on my first day. Ursula: It’s no problem. I want to give you The lay of the land and tell you about the people you’ll be working with. For instance, that’s Julie over there. She’s really nice, but she’s also a Perfectionist. If you ever work with her, remember […]...
19. Перевод слова chapter Chapter – глава, период Перевод слова Closing chapter – заключительная глава chapter heading – название главы prefatory chapter – предварительная глава Let’s go to the next Chapter. Давайте перейдем к следующей главе. This Chapter will introduce the book. Эта глава будет открывать книгу. I’ve got as far as Chapter 5. Я дошел до главы 5....
20. Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he’d done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he’d missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test. First […]...
21. A strange jigsaw puzzle Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. “Paddy,” says Murphy, “I’ve got a problem.” “What’s the matter?” replies Paddy “Oi’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.” “What’s the picture of?” asks Paddy “It’s of a big cockerel,” Murphy replies. Paddy says, “Alroight, […]...
22. Soft and Hard A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, […]...
23. Значение идиомы make short work of [make short work of] {v. phr.} To finish rapidly. The cat madeshort work of the baby rabbit. Tim was anxious to get to themovies so he made short work of his homework....
24. Forms of Government Margaret: Okay, the teacher said that we should set up an ideal Form of government for our Imaginary country and then work out detailed plans for Governance. Tony: I think the simplest is a Dictatorship. I’ll make all of the decisions. Margaret: You’re sounding like a Fascist. This is supposed to be a Partnership, remember? […]...
25. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I […]...
26. Edward walks out of a bar Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. “Can I help you, fella?”, asks the cop. “Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!” Edward replies. The cop asks, “Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?”. “It […]...
27. Useful work phrases USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK: I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and […]...
28. A drunken blonde goes into a bar A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?” To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?”...
29. Значение идиомы all in a day’s work [all in a day’s work] or [all in the day’s work] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Unpleasant or bad but to be expected; not harder than usual; not unusual. Keeping ants away from a picnic lunch is all in the day’s work. When the car had a flat tire, Father said that it was all in a […]...
30. Never say it at work TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing. 2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s […]...
31. Little girl walks into the bathroom A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks “What’s that?” Her sister replies “That is my possum, sis!” The young girl replies “Oh, OK” The next day she sees her mother get out of the […]...
32. You can’t bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on […]...
33. Three vampires go to a bar Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” […]...
34. A kind of sport A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?” He replies, “Touchdown, I am […]...
35. While enjoying a drink with a mate one night While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into […]...
36. What thin people do By Barbara Florio Graham From McCall’s, June, 1983, I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what […]...
37. Stolen Car Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It […]...
38. Пословица / поговорка a little hard work never killed anyone / a little work never hurt anyone – перевод и значение, пример использования Пословица / поговорка: a little hard work never killed anyone / a little work never hurt anyone Перевод: небольшой труд еще никому не навредил Пример: The mother said that a little hard work never hurt anyone and asked her son to clean the kitchen. Мать сказала, что немного труда еще никому не вредило, и попросила […]...
39. Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room […]...
40. Humor about Irish Pubs (Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. “Jazus Mick…Well have to turn […]...