Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower

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1. A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?” The Saudi replied, […]...
2. An Unwelcome Business in the Neighborhood Patricia: Finally! That empty building has a new Tenant. That’s great for the neighborhood. Francois: Think again. The new tenant plans to open a Strip club. Patricia: A strip club in the middle of a Residential neighborhood?! That must be a Violation of city Ordinances. The city won’t allow that. Francois: I’m not so sure. […]...
3. With best intentions As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs.” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, […]...
4. More neighborhood jokes They had a ‘witchy’ old lady next door that was constantly complaining about everything and everyone in the neighborhood. After one really good round about kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought. Juvenile as we all were, they […]...
5. The Microsoft waiter Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it […]...
6. Jokes about Dumb Irishmen The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. […]...
7. Neighborhood jokes 1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff […]...
8. An Other one Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’ A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s […]...
9. Selecting a Neighborhood to Live In Leona: I want to live close to Downtown. We can get everywhere On foot and walk to most Amenities. Jeremy: Downtown is always Bustling and noisy, and the Crime rate is really high. I’d rather have Proximity to parks and Open spaces. Leona: If we lived downtown, we wouldn’t have to worry about Commute time […]...
10. Перевод слова soup Soup – суп, похлебка Перевод слова To make a meal of soup – приготовить суп soup meat – суповое мясо soup mix – овощная смесь для супа The Soup is too hot. Суп слишком горячий. This Soup lacks salt Этот суп недосолен. A hot Soup will revive me Горячий суп вернет меня к жизни....
11. Little Mermaid Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?” She replied, “no sir!” So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, “Did you like that?” “Oh, indeed I did, […]...
12. Значение идиомы in kind [in kind] {adv. phr.} In a similar way; with the same kind ofthing. My neighbor pays me in kind for walking her dog. Lowreturned Mary’s insult in kind....
13. The golf course A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you […]...
14. Meeting a New Neighbor Nancy: Hello there! Hello! Eric: Hello. Nancy: I’m Nancy, your Neighbor across the street. You’re new to the neighborhood. Eric: Yes, I just moved in last weekend. Nancy: That’s nice. How are you Settling in? Eric: Fine, thanks. Nancy: Would you like to come over and have a cup of coffee? I can give you […]...
15. A blonde went to the appliance store sale A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry we don’t sell […]...
16. Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money”, he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “Hey, watch it – I’m a United States Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”...
17. Перевод слова borrow Borrow – занимать, брать на время Перевод слова To borrow heavily – влезать в долги to borrow money – занимать деньги to borrow long – взять долгосрочную ссуду They are always Borrowing from us. Они все время берут у нас деньги взаймы. We Borrowed the car. Мы одолжили эту машину. Can I Borrow your pen […]...
18. A yard sale A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of […]...
19. Excuse TO smoke Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, “You really ought to quit.” She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.” He replied, “But […]...
20. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the […]...
21. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!” The priest replied, “What did you say?” The boy repeated, “Thank […]...
22. A life-long city man, tired of the rat race A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a […]...
23. Перевод слова admit Admit – допускать, соглашаться, признаваться, сознаваться Перевод слова To admit a claim – признать справедливость претензии to admit light – пропускать свет to admit to the country – разрешить въезд в страну This, I Admit, is true. Это, надо признать, является правдой. She was Admitted to the university. Ее приняли в университет. The manager Admitted […]...
24. Fluffy died This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow […]...
25. Stupid people stories IDIOTS & RETAIL I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was […]...
26. A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” […]...
27. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
28. Paying Rent “That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor. “You didn’t do it, did you?” “I have to admit I did – though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the […]...
29. An infamous stud with a long list of conquests An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. “I’m scared out of my mind,” the stud replied. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop […]...
30. Touring Washington A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?” The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. […]...
31. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
32. A rural Frenchman was on trial A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, “Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?”...
33. A fair offer One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his […]...
34. A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big tits.”...
35. Missing person Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is […]...
36. It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. “And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. […]...
37. The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.” “And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” […]...
38. Using a Map Program Caroline: I just got an email from Sandra with her new Address. I wish I knew what kind of neighborhood our daughter is living in. Bryce: Let’s find out. I’ll Type in her address on this Map program. Caroline: That will just tell us where she’s living within the city, not what kind of neighborhood […]...
39. A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says ‘I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.’ Six months later the man comes […]...
40. Mysterious picture After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” […]...