It’s a ladybug

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1. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was […]...
2. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, “Do you ever get to feeling horny?” “Yes,” her friend replied. “What do you do about it?” “I usually suck on a Lifesaver.” After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, “Well, what beach do you go to?”...
3. A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. “Would you […]...
4. Seymour was a good and pious man Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. “Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked. “I could eat,” said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and […]...
5. Alaskan tourism If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to […]...
6. Значение идиомы on the spot [on the spot] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. or [upon the spot] At thatexact time and at the same time or place; without waiting or leaving. The news of important events is often broadcast on the spot overtelevision. When Tom ruined an expensive machine, his boss firedhim on the spot. Compare: AT ONCE, IN ONE’S […]...
7. Stupid people fearing WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind […]...
8. Значение идиомы back to the wall [back to the wall] or [back against the wall] {adv. phr.} In a trap, with no way to escape; in bad trouble. The soldiers had their backs to the wall. He was in debt and could not get any help; his back was against the wall. The team had their backs to the wall in […]...
9. Taking the final exam Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But […]...
10. At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat […]...
11. Перевод слова tiny Tiny – крошечный Перевод слова Tiny parasitic insects – маленькие насекомые-паразиты tiny spark – искорка tiny brook – ручеек tiny tot with yellow hair – малыш с золотистыми волосами The plate had a Tiny chip in the edge. На ободке тарелки была крошечная щербинка. The computer chips were Tiny. Компьютерные микросхемы были крошечные. It was […]...
12. There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called “lady of the night”. She says, “For $300.00, I’ll do anything you want.” Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: Ok. Paint my house, bitch!...
13. Значение идиомы hole-in-the-wall [hole-in-the-wall] {n. phr.} A small place to live, stay in, orwork in; a small, hidden, or inferior place. The jewelry storeoccupied a tiny hole-in-the-wall. When Mr. and Mrs. Green werefirst married, they lived in a little hole-in-fhe-wall in a cheapapartment building. 2. {slang}, {citizen’s band radio jargon}. Atunnel. Let’s get through this hole in the […]...
14. Значение идиомы wall [wall] See: BACK TO THE WALL, BEAT ONE’S HEAD AGAINST A WALL, CLIMBTHE WALL, FORWARD WALL, HANDWRITING ON THE WALL, HOLE-IN-THE-WALL, STONE WALL or BRICK WALL, TO THE WALL....
15. Перевод слова spot Spot – пятно, позор; пачкать, позорить Перевод слова Sun spots – пятна на Солнце without a spot on his reputation – с незапятнанной репутацией table spotted with ink – стол, закапанный чернилами plague spot of sin and imperfection – клеймо греха и несовершенства You have a Spot on your tie. У вас пятно на галстуке. […]...
16. A game of golf A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. […]...
17. Перевод слова silence Silence – молчание, тишина; заставить замолчать Перевод слова Dead silence – мертвая тишина to break the silence – нарушить тишину to silence a speaker – заставить оратора замолчать to silence a crying child – успокоить плачущего ребенка We waited in Silence. Мы молча ждали. A scream broke the Silence. Крик нарушил тишину. His Silence implied […]...
18. Значение идиомы X marks the spot [X marks the spot] An indication made on maps or documents ofimportance to call attention to a place or a feature of someimportance. The treasure hunter said to his companion, “Here it is;X marks the spot.”...
19. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
20. A customer walks into a restaurant and notices A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.” When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant […]...
21. Reward for goodness Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, […]...
22. An easy solution On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.” Not wanting to argue […]...
23. A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. “Hi, there, I’m Jerry,” he said, as […]...
24. Ask your question One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. “Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her […]...
25. Перевод слова customer Customer – покупатель, клиент Перевод слова Customer service – служба работы с покупателями at customer’s discretion – на усмотрение заказчика potential customer – потенциальный клиент She is one of our best Customers. Она является одним из наших лучших клиентов. Poor Customer service has ruined the company’s reputation. Плохое обслуживание клиентов погубило репутацию компании. The Customer […]...
26. Go to the hospital Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a […]...
27. There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, “God bless you children, that’s Christianity at work. May the lord bless […]...
28. Перевод слова wall Wall – стена, барьер Перевод слова Garden walls – садовая ограда the Great Wall (of China) – Великая (китайская) стена a wall of silence – стена молчания tariff wall – тарифный барьер Walls have ears. И у стен есть уши. He stood up to the Wall. Он стоял, прислонившись к стене. The garden was Walled […]...
29. A man was walking down the street when he noticed A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here […]...
30. Hillary goes to heaven Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.” So Hillary sits down […]...
31. Help the lonely child Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all […]...
32. A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was […]...
33. Love Jesus By Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light […]...
34. One day in the Garden of Eden One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the […]...
35. Notice To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It […]...
36. The wife is not speaking to me 1 A construction worker walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!” A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence lengthens. He […]...
37. Busta Rhymes Island There is a small piece of land sticking out of a Shrewsbury, Massachusetts pond that doesn’t seem to belong to anyone in particular, but, as 99% Invisible has reported, one local man is crusading to name the spot Busta Rhymes Island. The tiny, 40×40 outcropping has no official name, but Shrewsbury resident Kevin O’Brien, who […]...
38. Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking arse.” Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. “That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “If […]...
39. Idiots on the computer Any time you feel dumb, don’t worry. Check out the following excerpts from a “Wall Street Journal” article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the many calls asking where the “Any” key is. 2. AST […]...
40. Перевод слова lord Lord – господин, повелитель; командовать, помыкать Перевод слова Our sovereign lord the King – король, наш верховный повелитель the House of Lords – палата лордов lord of the manor – владелец поместья he will not be lorded over – он не позволит командовать собой He Lords it over his friends. Он помыкает своими друзьями. Lord […]...