As the end of the day drew near

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1. Time to quit As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. “Do you know what time we quit around here?” he asked. “Sure!” the girl nervously giggled. “Whenever somebody knocks on the door.”...
2. A young peasant girl of fourteen A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, “But why?” he asked. “Nothin, I just wanna […]...
3. Перевод слова handsome Handsome – красивый, статный Перевод слова Handsome dog – большая сильная собака to grow handsome – похорошеть handsome woman – импозантная женщина My teacher is Handsome, strictly! Мой учитель красавчик, это уж точно! He was tall, dark and Handsome. Он был высоким, темноволосым и красивым. Handsome is as Handsome does. Судят по делам, а не […]...
4. There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked “Could I have a fucket please?” The assistant asked”Pardon sir?”. “Can I have a fucket please?” Replied the man. […]...
5. Several weeks after a young man had been hired Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.” “Well,” the young man […]...
6. Excuse TO smoke Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, “You really ought to quit.” She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.” He replied, “But […]...
7. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was […]...
8. Значение идиомы handsome is as handsome does [handsome is as handsome does] {informal} A person must act welland generously so that he will be truly worth respecting. – A proverb. Everyone thinks that Bon is a very handsome boy, but he is verymean too. Handsome is as handsome does. Compare: FINE FEATHERS DO NOTMAKE PINE BIRDS....
9. Перевод слова newly Newly – вновь, заново, по-новому Перевод слова Furniture newly arranged – по-новому расставленная мебель newly arrived – вновь прибывший newly-born child – новорожденный newly married – новобрачный, новобрачная The offices were Newly tabled. В офисах были поставлены новые столы. That grass is Newly seeded, please get off! Газон только что засеяли, пожалуйста, уйдите с него. […]...
10. The right way to ask a question A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?...
11. A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. “So, did you […]...
12. The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant. “Anything interesting happen over-night”, asked the mortitian. “Yes”, replied the assistant, “The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course” “What was the cause of death”, enquired the mortition. “I’m not sure”,replied the assistant. “But she’s got […]...
13. A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” […]...
14. A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders […]...
15. Перевод слова executive Executive – исполнительный, администраторский, организаторский Перевод слова Executive power – исполнительная власть executive duties – административные обязанности executive talent – организаторский талант He has an Executive position in the company. Он занимает руководящую должность в компании. She has good Executive skills. У нее хорошие управленческие навыки. In the U. S., the President is the head […]...
16. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness and an atheist? What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?...
17. A little girl came running into the house crying A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. “Why do you want cider?” asked Mom. “To take the pain away,” sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little […]...
18. The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. “She uses too many four-letter words for me,” was the reply. “Really?” “Yes,” answered the playboy. “All evening long she was saying “don’t” and “stop” and “quit that.”...
19. Перевод слова quit Quit – бросать, освобождаться Перевод слова To quit oneself of fear – избавиться от страха to quit the house – съехать с квартиры, переехать в другое место to quit work when the siren sounds – прекращать работу по сигналу сирены to quit a debt – выплатить долг I Quit school at 16. Я бросил школу […]...
20. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
21. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2 Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the […]...
22. Help the lonely child Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all […]...
23. Buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all […]...
24. An unfortunate situation A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father […]...
25. Ordering Coffee and Tea Jermaine: I’d like a Decaf drip, To go. Drew: Would you like our light or dark Roast? Jermaine: I’ll just have whatever’s freshly brewed. Drew: Are you sure you don’t want to try an Espresso, an Americano, or a Latte? Jermaine: No, just a decaf coffee. Drew: Sure, no problem. Would you like it hot […]...
26. A little girl was out with her Grandmother A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” They’re […]...
27. A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower. It’s at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says….. “Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?” The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks…. […]...
28. A guy was driving home one evening A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was “now or never”, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and […]...
29. Nervous at an Interview II I was Just in time for my interview and I was very nervous. I walked up to the Receptionist. She was talking into a Headset and typing on her keyboard. David: Good morning. I’m David Laso. I have an appointment with Dale Mendoza at 10 o’clock. Could you please let her know that I’m here? […]...
30. A girl called the police department and reported that A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, “When did this happen?” She replied, “Last week.” The police then asked, “Why did you wait until now to report it?” Well,” she said. “I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.”...
31. There were 2 old-maid sisters, both virgins There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. It’s Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!” Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.” 10 o’clock rolls around […]...
32. Fixing an ailment In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They […]...
33. Значение идиомы draw out [draw out] {v. phr.} 1. To take out; remove. Johnny drew a dollar out of the bank to buy his mother a present. The hunter drew out his gun and shot the snake. 2. To make talk or tell something. Jimmy was bashful but Mrs. Wilson drew him out by asking him about baseball. 3. […]...
34. A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he’d have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would […]...
35. Перевод слова assistant Assistant – помощник, ассистент, сотрудник Перевод слова Assistant driller – помощник бурильщика assistant examiner – помощник эксперта chairside assistant – помощник стоматолога She motioned to her Assistant. Она кивнула своим помощником. He deputized me as his Assistant. Он назначил меня своим ассистентом. Происхождение слова assistant Образовано от глагола Assist (помогать, содействовать) c помощью суффикса – […]...
36. A little girl was playing up a tree near a church A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and […]...
37. A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?” Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types […]...
38. By definition A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.’s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say’s, “Why yes I am…you wanna wear my hat?” The boy nods and the […]...
39. Fake Niceness – Искусственная любезность I have to deal a lot with various people, including shop assistants and waiters. And I`ve recently faced a serious problem which I`ve called “fake niceness”. One day I walked into a Drug Store, because I badly need a pain-reliever. The girl at the till asked me nothing about my chose but about my day […]...
40. This is one smart dog A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. “An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. “You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices […]...