Armando asks

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1. Ne day, this man, Tony, diedOne day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could ... Читать далее...
2. A woman asks the hardware store clerk«Do you have any batteries?» a woman asks the hardware store clerk. «Yes, m’am.» The clerk gestures with his finger. «Can you come this way?» «If I could come that way,» the woman says, «I wouldn’t need the batteries.»...
3. Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asksLittle Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers. The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. «Nah,» says Johnny, «what else do ... Читать далее...
4. A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks herA guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, «how much?» she replies, «$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up.» He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, «it’s my hairdresser’s fee!»...
5. Getting a School Class ScheduleCarlos: Did you get your Class schedule? Marianne: Yeah. You? Carlos: Yeah. Let’s see if we have any classes together. I have PE with Mr. Lopez and Social studies with Ms. Walters. How about you? Marianne: I have PE with Ms. Schwartz and social studies with Ms. Eng. Who do you have for Geography? I’m ... Читать далее...
6. The little boy comes home from school and asks momThe little boy comes home from school and asks mom, «Where do babies come from?» Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, «From the stork of course!» The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, «But mom, who fucks the stork?»...
7. Finding a RoommateCarlos: Now that your boyfriend has moved out, you need a Roommate. There’s no way you can Afford this apartment on your own. Inez: I know, but I really don’t want to live with a Stranger. I’d have To put up with all of their Quirks. Carlos: I don’t think you have a choice. You ... Читать далее...
8. A young man asks his fatherA young man asks his father, «Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?» The father, surprised, answers: «Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, ... Читать далее...
9. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barmanProstitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks ... Читать далее...
10. A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coatA woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. «HA,» he snorted, «The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!» On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. «There! I ... Читать далее...
11. Preparing Food for CookingMarissa: How can I help? Juan Carlos: Um…why don’t you Iron the Tablecloth and Set the table? Marissa: I already did that. I want to help with the cooking. Juan Carlos: Okay, you can Scrub these potatoes, Peel the carrots, and Rinse these grapes. Marissa: All right, I’ll do that, but I think you’re just ... Читать далее...
12. A Generation GapCarlos: Belinda, maybe you can explain it to me. My parents still don’t Get me. I got a couple of Tattoos and they Freaked out. Belinda: Why are you asking me? I may be a few years older than you are, but I don’t understand parents Any better than you do. They’re hopelessly Behind the ... Читать далее...
13. Childhood DiseasesChildhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. «What happened to you feet?» his wife asked. «I had a childhood disease called tolio.» «Don’t you mean polio?» «No, tolio, it only ... Читать далее...
14. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
15. A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionistA man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. «Good,» says the man. «That means I must have really escaped.»...
16. Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asksPappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, «Where ya going boy?» The son smiled and replied, «I’m a-going courting Peggy-Sue.» The Father said, «When I went a-courtin’, I didn’t need me no dang lantern.» «Sure Pa, I know.» the boy said. «And look what you got!»...
17. Перевод слова stomachStomach — желудок, живот, аппетит Перевод слова Disordered stomach — расстройство желудка pain in the stomach — боль в желудке on an empty stomach — натощак good stomach is the best sauce — хороший аппетит — лучшая приправа My Stomach rises. Меня тошнит. His Stomach worries him. Его беспокоит желудок. She got him on the ... Читать далее...
18. A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks himA policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, «Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?» The man gets really indignant and says, «Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. ... Читать далее...
19. On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asksOn a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks: Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee? Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date. The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?...
20. Describing Stomach ProblemsThere’s nothing I enjoy more than spending a couple of hours relaxing at a cafe. I sit drinking my tea and reading. What could be better? Woman: So I think I may have to see a doctor soon. You know I’ve had these terrible pains in my Stomach. My Digestion is terrible and now I ... Читать далее...
21. A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks herA nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: «Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it ... Читать далее...
22. Значение идиомы go hang[go hang] {v. phr.}, {slang} 1. To stop being of interest orimportance; be forgotten. — Usually used with «let». Mr. Johnsonlet his business go hang after his wife died. 2. To leave you alone;not bother. When the neighbor told Father how to manage hischildren, Father told him to go hang. Compare: TELL WHERE TO GET ... Читать далее...
23. Two zebras are talking and one asks the otherTwo zebras are talking and one asks the other, «Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?» The other replies, «Well I don’t know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.» So that night he did and God replied, «You are what you are.» The next day he said ... Читать далее...
24. A rural Frenchman was on trialA rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, «Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?»...
25. A life-long city man, tired of the rat raceA life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a ... Читать далее...
26. The three wishesAn old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when—all of a sudden—a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. «Well, now,» says the old lady, «I guess I would like to be really ... Читать далее...
27. Getting an Online DegreeCarlos: So where are you planning on attending college? Torrie: I’ve picked Harford University. Carlos: The only Harford University I’ve heard of is a Degree mill. Torrie: I’m sure it’s not the same one. The Harford University I’m attending is Accredited, at least I’m pretty sure it is. The best part of going to Harford ... Читать далее...
28. After their love-making session the young bride asks her husbandAfter their love-making session the young bride asks her husband «Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?» «Yes, she’s dead to!»»Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?» «Yes, she’s dead to!»...
29. One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a holeOne day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. «Whatcha doin?» he asked. Mongo replies, «My goldfish died and I’m burying him.» «That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?» asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, «That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat!’...
30. A woman walks into her accountant’s office andA woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, «Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.» He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, «What is your occupation?» The woman replies, «I’m a whore.» The accountant balks ... Читать далее...
31. Planning for RetirementPaulina: Did you get your Social Security statement? I just got mine in the mail. If I keep working at this rate for the next 20 years, between Social Security and my Savings, I should be Sitting pretty for Retirement. Carlos: Yeah, I should be okay when I retire, too. I’ve been contributing to a ... Читать далее...
32. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnantA woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, «Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?» The doctor answered, «Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy ... Читать далее...
33. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
34. Значение идиомы on one’s knees[on one’s knees] {adj. phr.} 1. Pleading; begging very hard. Theboys were on their knees for hours before their parents agreed totheir camping plans. The Jacksons won’t contribute to the RedCross unless you get on your knees. 2. In a very weak condition; nearfailure. When the graduates of the school heard that it was on ... Читать далее...
35. An Other oneThree old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’ A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова stomach-acheStomach-ache — боль в животе Перевод слова I must confess it has given me a Stomach-ache. Должен признаться, что это вызвало у меня боли в животе. We all get Stomach aches, Mr. Bigfoot. У нас у всех иногда болит живот, мистер Бигфут. A coma’s not like a Stomach ache. Кома, это вам не кишечные колики. ... Читать далее...
37. Henry Ford dies and goes to heavenHenry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, «Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.» Ford thinks about it and says, «I wanna ... Читать далее...
38. A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, «Do you know what I’m ... Читать далее...
39. Three guys are discussing womenThree guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»...
40. Значение идиомы butterflies in one’s stomach[butterflies in one’s stomach] {n. phr.} A queer feeling in the stomach caused by nervous fear or uncertainty; a feeling of fear or anxiety in the stomach. When Bob walked into the factory office to ask for a job, he had butterflies in his stomach....