Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95

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1. Is Windows a Virus?No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does ... Читать далее...
2. Certificate of Upgrade to Complete AssholeCertificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole Certificate of Upgrade To Complete Asshole Is awarded to ————————————————————- In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others During Your Lifetime, You ... Читать далее...
3. Abraham Lincoln (2)Abraham Lincoln was the son of a poor farmer. He was born in 1809 and his childhood was spent in hard work. He helped his father on their small farm. But in 1816, when Abraham was only 7 years old, his father lost his farm and his family moved to another part of the country. ... Читать далее...
4. 12 Days of Windows 95On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . 2 GPFs and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . ... Читать далее...
5. Биография Авраама Линкольна/ The Biography of Abraham LincolnНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык The Biography of Abraham Lincoln Биография Авраама Линкольна Abraham Lincoln is one of the most famous American presidents. To be precise, he is the 16th president of the USA. Thanks to him the country successfully went through financial, military, moral and other types of crisis. He was also ... Читать далее...
6. The Speed of Time by Age0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania — by covered wagon. Most common phrase: «Is it Christmas yet?» 10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings. 20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and ... Читать далее...
7. Writing a Love SongIsaac: Can you Keep it down in there? I’m trying to write a song. Brittany: You are? What kind of song? Isaac: It’s None of your business. Brittany: Come on. Tell me. Isaac: It’s for Melanie. Brittany: Oh, it’s a Love song. That’s so romantic. Are you going To serenade her? Isaac: Maybe. Now leave ... Читать далее...
8. Abraham Lincoln — Авраам ЛинкольнAbraham Lincoln was born in Hodgenville, Kentucky, on 12th February, 1809. His family was poor, so Lincoln didn’t go to school. He mostly studied at home. He used to borrow books or study the bible. At the age of 22, Lincoln left Kentucky and moved to the village of New Salem in Illinois. There, he ... Читать далее...
9. From Boyfriend to Husband upgradeDear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but ... Читать далее...
10. How did you do that??Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. «Well, Morrie, how’s your warehouse business going?» . «Oy vey, Abraham, it’s not going so good, we had a flood last week.» «So, Morrie,» whispers Abraham «How do you start a flood?»....
11. Foreign Currency Exchange RatesSydney: Where should we go on our Honeymoon? I thought Rome would be nice. Isaac: Let me check. No, that wouldn’t be a good idea. Sydney: Okay, how about Tokyo? I’ve always wanted to visit Japan. Isaac: No, I’m afraid not. Sydney: How are you making these Determinations? Isaac: I’m checking to see if the ... Читать далее...
12. Installing Windows and DoorsVern: I really think we’ve Bitten off more than we can chew. I like Do-it-yourself projects, but Installing a new window and a new door isn’t as easy as it looks. Genevive: What we don’t know, we’ll Learn as we go. Okay, we’ve removed the old window. This new Double-paned one is going to be ... Читать далее...
13. Abraham LincolnLincoln was one of the most famous presidents of the USA. He was born in the family of a poor farmer in 1809 in Kentucky, but soon his family left for the wild forestland of Indiana. He was taught reading, writing and simple arithmetic, as his family could not afford better education. When he was ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова slowSlow — медленный, неторопливый; туповатый, отсталый Перевод слова Slow speed — тихий ход slow train — почтовый поезд he is slow to make up his mind — он не скор на решения slow child — отсталый ребенок Play was very Slow. Игра шла очень медленно. Slow down, I need to catch my breath. Сбавь скорость, ... Читать далее...
15. A Snail buys a fast New CarA snail buys a fast new car. There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail ... Читать далее...
16. Dangerous Freeway DrivingI do a lot of driving in my job. You would think that driving several hours Each way would Get old really fast, but I have ways of making an Interminable drive seem much more exciting. I like to drive fast on the freeways. I usually Pass all of the slower cars by staying in ... Читать далее...
17. Do this while drivingStrange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below «things to do while driving», as all driving should be taken seriously. The below «things to do while driving» are simply here for entertainment purposes. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit. Roll down your windows ... Читать далее...
18. Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen whoIsaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews ... Читать далее...
19. Значение идиомы slow burn[slow burn] {n.}, {informal} A slowly increasing feeling of anger. The boys kept teasing John, and watched him do a slow burn. Barbara’s slow burn ended only when Mary explained themisunderstanding....
20. Перевод слова fastFast — быстрый, скорый, быстро; прочный, крепкий Перевод слова Hard and fast rule — жесткое правило fast roof — устойчивая кровля fast train — скорый поезд I’m a Fast learner. Я быстро учусь. He ran as Fast as he could. Он бежал так быстро, как только мог. They held Fast to their beliefs. Они твердо ... Читать далее...
21. Reducing travel riskThere was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over ... Читать далее...
22. Computer Ease!The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press ... Читать далее...
23. Значение идиомы fast and furious[fast and furious] {adj.} or {adv. phr.} Very fast; with much speedand energy. He was mowing the grass at a fast and furious rate. When I last saw her she was driving fast and furious down thestreet. Compare: GREAT GUNS....
24. Значение идиомы now — now[now — now] {coord. adv.} Sometimes… sometimes; by turns; atone time… then at another. — Often used with adjectives that arevery different or opposite, especially to show change. The weatherchanged every day; it was now hot, now cool. The band playeddifferent songs, now fast, now slow; now soft, now loud. Billy ranso quickly he seemed ... Читать далее...
25. Picking up a Rental CarRalph: I have a Reservation for a car. Clerk: What is the last name on the reservation? Ralph: It’s Furcal. Clerk: Just one moment. I have a reservation for Ralph Furcal, picking up today and returning on the 19th. Ralph: Yes, that’s right. I reserved an Economy car. Clerk: We do have an economy car ... Читать далее...
26. Twelve days MicrosoftTwelve days of Microsoft On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports ... Читать далее...
27. Two eagles are soaring along when suddenlyTwo eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, «Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?» The other replies, «Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!»...
28. Значение идиомы slow on the draw[slow on the draw] {adj. phr.} Not very smart; having difficultyfiguring things out. Poor Eric doesn’t get very good grades inphysics; when it comes to problem-solving, he is rather slow on thedraw....
29. Short reindeer jokesWhat do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you! Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they would look silly in plastic macs! How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don’t feed it! Why did the ... Читать далее...
30. A snowballOne time in my undergrad days, it was snowing like mad out. someone decided it was time a make a snowball. then someone else suggested that we should put this snowball in this one guy’s room— nobody liked this guy— so when the word got around, half the people in our dorm section came out ... Читать далее...
31. Three acurate guessesOne of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, «I’m going to kiss you if you can’t tell me who I am in three guesses.» She quickly answered, «George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!»...
32. Wise cooking adviceThis weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven’t seen listed in any cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the ... Читать далее...
33. Software Development Process1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) ... Читать далее...
34. Значение идиомы play fast and loose[play fast and loose] {v. phr.} To do as you please without caringwhat will happen to other people; act so carelessly or unfairly thatpeople cannot depend on you; be very unreliable. He played fast andloose with the girl’s affections. He played fast and loose withthe company’s good name....
35. Giuseppi walks into work, and he saysGiuseppi walks into work, and he says, «Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?» Tony says, «No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?» He says, «Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of — a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U. S.-a citizen.» A couple of days later, Giuseppi ... Читать далее...
36. Billy Gates writes SantaDear Santa, How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business. Actually, I admire the way you ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы step on it[step on it] or [step on the gas] {v. phr.} 1. To push down on thegas pedal to make a car go faster. Be very careful when you step onthe gas. Don’t go too fast. Compare: GIVE IT THE GUN. 2. {informal}To go faster; hurry. Step on it, or we’ll be late for school. John ... Читать далее...
38. Фразовый глагол slow down / slow up — перевод и значение, пример использованияФразовый глагол: slow down / slow up Перевод: замедлять, замедляться Пример: Because Mary’s level in English is lower than the rest of the students, she slows the class down. Мэри тормозит всех в классе из-за того, что уровень ее английского ниже уровня других учеников....
39. Reading timeA Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks «what are you doing?» Indian says» Me tellum time.» Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says «You telling time?» yup» «how can you tell time like that?» Indian says «workum like ... Читать далее...
40. Значение идиомы hang fire[hang fire] {v. phr.} 1. To fail or be slow in shooting or firing. Smith pulled the trigger, but the gun hung fire and the deerescaped. 2. To be slow in beginning; to be delayed; to wait. Theboys’ plans for organizing a scout troop hung fire because they couldnot find a man to be scoutmaster....