A technical bastard

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1. Need fishing licenses A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush’s jumped the Game Warden!! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella […]...
2. Applying for a Passport Clerk: Yes, can I help you? Orlando: I want to get a Passport. Clerk: Have you filled out the Application? Orlando: No, I haven’t. Clerk: Come back when you’ve filled it out. Orlando: Okay, I’ve completed the application. Clerk: Let me see it. You need to fill in your Social Security number here and you […]...
3. A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each […]...
4. Значение идиомы catch up [catch up] {v.} 1. To take or pick up suddenly; grab. She caught up the book from the table and ran out of the room. 2. To capture or trap in a situation; concern or interest very much. – Usually used in the passive with “in”. The Smith family was caught up in the war […]...
5. Cat Technical Support Problems This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next […]...
6. What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked […]...
7. Some horse-play The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal. “No,” he said, “I don’t believe I’ll need it. I’ll just grab onto her ears and hold on […]...
8. Значение идиомы catch at [catch at] {v.} 1. To try to catch suddenly; grab for. The boy on the merry-go-round caught at the brass ring, but did not get it. 2. To seize quickly; accept mentally or physically. The hungry man caught at the sandwich and began to eat. Joe caught at Bill’s offer to help....
9. Please show the I. D The following supposedly a true story. This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the […]...
10. You tell me! A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?” The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden […]...
11. A department store A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: […]...
12. Lawyers on a jury A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with […]...
13. An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can i help you sir?” Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.” “What is your current name?” asked the clerk. “Martin Arsehole,” replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said “I […]...
14. Значение идиомы catch hold of [catch hold of] {v. phr.} To grasp a person or a thing. “I’ve been trying to catch hold of you all week,” John said, “but you were out of town.” The mountain climber successfully caught hold of his friend’s hand and thereby saved his life....
15. Another ethnic joke A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” […]...
16. Collection 14 I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; […]...
17. Значение идиомы catch on [catch on] {v.}, {informal} 1. To understand; learn about. – Often used with “to”. You’ll catch on to the job after you’ve been here awhile. Don’t play any tricks on Joe. When he catches on, he will beat you. 2. To become popular; be done or used by many people. The song caught on and […]...
18. Baby bear wants to live somewhere else The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of […]...
19. Slight confusion One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,”Honey, can you go over […]...
20. A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” And he then charged […]...
21. A Hit-and-Run Accident Flora: What happened to my car?! Saul: I saw it happen. A car came around the corner and hit the back of your car. Flora: Didn’t the driver stop? Saul: No, it was Hit-and-run. The driver just Took off. He was driving like A bat out of hell. It looks like he caused some Damage. […]...
22. Talk to the judge A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you […]...
23. Blonde on blonde A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally […]...
24. Значение идиомы catch cold [catch cold] {v. phr.} 1. or [take cold] To get a common cold-weather sickness that causes a running nose, sneezing, and sometimes sore throat and fever or other symptoms. Don’t get your feet wet or you’ll catch cold. 2. {informal} To catch unprepared or not ready for a question or unexpected happening. I had not […]...
25. A young couple got married, and in their family A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between […]...
26. A Trip to the Jewelry Store My wife’s birthday was Coming up And I wanted to get her a special Present. She always tells me to not to Splurge on gifts for her but For once, I decided To pull out all the stops. I went to the Jewelry Store and began looking at all of the Display cases. I started […]...
27. A real bastard A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. “What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?” “It’s mean!”, the boy sniffed, “My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!” “That’s […]...
28. Get me something cheap After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. “That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. “Thats […]...
29. Перевод слова catch Catch – ловить, поймать, схватить Перевод слова To catch a thief – поймать вора to catch a ball – поймать мяч to catch smb. in – застать кого-л. Hey! Nice Catch! Эй! Хороший улов! Let’s go outside and play Catch. Давай пойдем на улицу и поиграем в мяч. He Caught hold of her wrist. Он […]...
30. A Trip to the Jewelry Store My wife’s birthday was Coming up And I wanted to get her a special Present. She always tells me to not to Splurge on gifts for her but For once, I decided To pull out all the stops. I went to the Jewelry Store and began looking at all of the Display cases. I started […]...
31. Mega moron awards MEGA MORON AWARDS Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera). Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put […]...
32. A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” […]...
33. Asking for Recommendations Hotel Clerk: Can I help you with something? Victor: Yes, I was hoping you could recommend a restaurant nearby. Clerk: What kind of food would you like? Victor: I’m not Picky. I’m looking for something moderately priced That’s within Walking distance. Clerk: There’s a good seafood restaurant called “Galeno’s” about two blocks away. Would you […]...
34. Перевод слова technical Technical – технический, специальный Перевод слова Technical education – техническое образование technical specifications – технические условия technical literacy – техническая грамотность technical terms – специальные термины Technical service will be charged extra. Техническое обслуживание будет оплачиваться дополнительно. David was asked to head up the Technical team. Дэвида попросили возглавить технический отдел. I won’t bore you […]...
35. Reporting Damaged Luggage I picked up my Luggage off of the Baggage carousel and noticed that the Handle was broken and some of my clothes were falling out of the open Zipper. The bag looked like it had been Mishandled, but could someone have Tampered with it, too? I went to the baggage claim office to report what […]...
36. A judge asked a defendant to please stand A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a […]...
37. Wrong card At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.” A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?” “I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”...
38. Значение идиомы catch fire [catch fire] {v. phr.} 1. To begin to burn. When he dropped a match in the leaves, they caught fire. 2. To become excited. The audience caught fire at the speaker’s words and began to cheer. His imagination caught fire as he read....
39. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2 Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the […]...
40. The Gift After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked. “Cash,” I snapped. […]...