A really bad, terrible mistake

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1. Think qualityA lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip. And, there were still 5 ... Читать далее...
2. A stuttering problemA man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this ... Читать далее...
3. Значение идиомы kind of[kind of] or [sort of] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Almost but notquite; rather. A guinea pig looks kind of like a rabbit, but it hasshort ears. Bob was kind of tired when he finished the job. The teacher sort of frowned but then smiled. Mary wouldn’t tellwhat she wanted to be when she grew up; it ... Читать далее...
4. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a babyA young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat ... Читать далее...
5. Fred DingalingA local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. «Fred,» he replies. «Fred what?» ... Читать далее...
6. CHECK THE BUFFETT!In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars. So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them «whip ’em out».Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar. Fred ask the man ... Читать далее...
7. MY TWO DELICATE OPERATIONSHumor story by Larry Graves Website: http://www. gravetimes. com MY TWO «DELICATE» OPERATIONS A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of Months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I Believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead… No man Alive has ever looked forward ... Читать далее...
8. Перевод слова operationOperation — операция; действие, работа, функционирование Перевод слова To bear an operation satisfactorily — удовлетворительно перенести операцию to conduct welding operation — вести сварку operation from a distance — действие на расстоянии The Operation was of no effect. Операция не принесла успеха. The Operation of the pump is very simple. Этот насос очень прост в ... Читать далее...
9. One doc operated on a person for a herniaOne doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. ... Читать далее...
10. A man calls his family doctorA man calls his family doctor: Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help. Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her....
11. Communication ProblemsEthel: Can we talk? Fred: Uh-huh. Ethel: I don’t think we Communicate very well. We don’t talk to each other like we used to. I think we need to have a Dialogue about these Dysfunctional communication Patterns. Fred: Hmm. Ethel: I think we need to work on our relationship. We have a strong Foundation, but ... Читать далее...
12. Perfectly healthy«Doctor,» the embarrassed man said, «I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. «Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.» The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. «Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,» the medic said. «Now ... Читать далее...
13. No symptomsDoctor, the embarrassed man said, «I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. «Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.» The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. «Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,» the medic said. «Now ... Читать далее...
14. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
15. Take in a boarderAn elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. «Yes,» says the Doctor, «I would advise you to take in a boarder.» A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is ... Читать далее...
16. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
17. Investigating a Terrible AccidentThere was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, ... Читать далее...
18. A police officer came upon a terrible wreckA police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said «I wish you could talk.» The monkey looked up at ... Читать далее...
19. Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreckThree Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. «Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! ... Читать далее...
20. Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fightSleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. «I am the most beautiful person in the world,» proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. «No, you’re not,» answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. «I am the smallest person in the world,» shouted Tom Thumb. «No, you’re not,» said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. «I’ve had ... Читать далее...
21. Ужасные выходные/ Terrible WeekendНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык Terrible Weekend Ужасные выходные We all love weekends, but not all of them are good. Recently I’ve had the worst weekend in my life. As usually I was hoping to spend great time with my family, my friends and my dog, but everything went wrong at that terrible ... Читать далее...
22. A little changeThe patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said: «Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.» «That is very kind of you,» said the doctor emotionally, and then ... Читать далее...
23. A folk remedyA man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы sort out[sort out] {v. phr.} 1. To alphabetize; arrange in numerical order. The secretary helped Professor Brown sort out his numerous indexcards. 2. To clarify. «Help me sort out these bills,» she beggedher husband....
25. A woman visits her physicianA woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: «Well, what can I do for you madam?». The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: «You can discuss any matter with ... Читать далее...
26. A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor surgeryA beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a ... Читать далее...
27. One day there was an indian chief who was constipatedOne day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says «Big Chief, no shit». the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and ... Читать далее...
28. Перевод слова embarrassEmbarrass — затруднять, мешать, смущать, сбивать с толку Перевод слова To feel embarrassed — чувствовать себя неловко to embarrass a trial — мешать судопроизводству embarrass a ship — стеснять действия судна It Embarrassed him to be caught cheating. Ему было стыдно, за то что его поймали на мошенничестве. Unexpected laughter Embarrassed the speaker. Неожиданный смех ... Читать далее...
29. Значение идиомы how do you do[how do you do] {formal} How are you? — Usually as a reply to anintroduction; it is in the form of a question but no answer isexpected. «Mary, I want you to meet my friend Fred. Fred, this ismy wife, Mary.» «How do you do, Mary?» «How do you do, Fred?»...
30. Dealing With a MistakeBoss: What is going on here?! Jenny: There was a Miscommunication. Boss: A miscommunication?! There are 16 Copiers in this office. Who ordered 16 copiers? Jenny: No one did. Clearly Wires got crossed somewhere. I’ll try To get to the bottom of this, but the copiers will be removed before lunch. Boss: I can’t even ... Читать далее...
31. Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feelingMr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much better since his operation, but couldn’t account for the enormous bump on the back of his head. «Oh, that,» chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. «Just before your operation they suddenly ran out of ether!»...
32. A Mistake in the Hotel BillHotel clerk: Here’s the Bill for your four-night stay. Would you like the Incidentals charged to your credit card? May: Incidentals? I think there’s some mistake. I didn’t order any Pay-per-view movies and I never ordered room service. And, I didn’t have any Spa services, either. Hotel clerk: Are you sure? We show three movies ... Читать далее...
33. Перевод слова mistakeMistake — ошибка, ошибаться, заблуждаться Перевод слова Costly mistake — ошибка, которая дорого обошлась ghastly mistake — грубая ошибка to mistake the time — спутать время Anyone can make a Mistake. Кто угодно может совершить ошибку. You are Mistaken. Вы ошибаетесь. Never mind your Mistake. Не беспокойтесь о своей ошибке....
34. Crazy Sally went to her gynecologistCrazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. «To remove that vibrator,» said the doctor, «I’m going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.» «I don’t think I can afford that,» said Sally. «Could you just replace the batteries?»...
35. A FightGinger: I can’t believe it. You’re late again! Fred: I got Caught up at work. What are you so Worked up about? Ginger: I’ve Had it up to here with your Excuses. If you knew you were going to be late, why didn’t you call? We’ve Been over this a hundred times. Fred: There wasn’t ... Читать далее...
36. Types of AllergiesBert: Doctor, Give it to me straight. Is my Medical condition serious? Doctor: I suspect that your Rashes and other symptoms are the result of Allergies. Bert: Allergies?! I thought I had some kind of serious Disease. Doctor: Allergies can be serious. I’m going to give you tests to see what you’re allergic to. Bert: ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод идиомы in a kind of way / in a sort of way, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: in a kind of way / in a sort of way Перевод: в некоторой степени; несколько, немного Пример: In a kind of way I want to buy a new car but in other ways I don’t think that I really need one. В какой-то степени я хочу купить новую машину, но на самом деле ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова terribleTerrible — ужасный, кошмарный, жуткий Перевод слова Terrible flirt — ужасная кокетка terrible nightmare — страшный сон terrible ordeal — ужасное испытание Rick’s a Terrible gossip. Рик ужасный сплетник. A Terrible rage possessed her. Страшный гнев овладел ею. His death will be a Terrible blow. Его смерть будет страшным ударом....
39. Перевод идиомы mistake someone or something for someone or something else, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: mistake someone or something for someone or something else Перевод: принять что-либо или кого-либо за что-либо или кого-либо другого Пример: I mistook my friend’s sister for someone else when I went to the airport. Я принял сестру моего друга за кого-то другого, когда пошел в аэропорт. I often mistake one car for another car ... Читать далее...
40. Adidas Doesn’t Want Players Who Practice ScientologyThe few people who do practice Scientology think of it as a religion, but it is considered a cult in many parts of the world, including Germany, which is why Adidas, a German sports clothing manufacturer, will cancel any sponsorship deal they have with a player if it turns out he has anything to do ... Читать далее...