Take in a boarder

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1. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say […]...
2. A hearing problem An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20′ behind her and asked “Can you hear me sweetheart”?. No reply. Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply. 5′ and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked “Can you hear me now honey”? His wife said “For the […]...
3. Where lawers come from An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”...
4. Naming the kids One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing […]...
5. Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, […]...
6. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy […]...
7. A pregnant woman is about to give birth A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. […]...
8. A man comes to a doctor and A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” “Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You […]...
9. Giving Birth in a Hospital It was 2 o’clock in the morning when my wife woke me up. She is eight-and-a-half months Pregnant and she told me that her Water had broken. She said that she was having Contractions and she was sure that she was In labor. I Paged our doctor and drove to the hospital. When we arrived, […]...
10. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies,”The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when […]...
11. A man calls his family doctor A man calls his family doctor: Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help. Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her....
12. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.” The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year […]...
13. Перевод слова advise Advise – советовать, уведомлять Перевод слова Advise on – консультироваться по this is to advise you – настоящим извещаем to advise on interior decoration – давать консультации по оформлению интерьера He Advised us what to do. Он дал нам совет, что делать. This is to Advise that… Настоящим уведомляю, что… I will do just as […]...
14. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
15. Some very common traits in two drunks A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
16. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat […]...
17. The wife of an older man is distraught The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “listen, I don’t do this for […]...
18. Read – it’s fun An elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is […]...
19. A man went to the doctor for a check up A man went to the doctor for a check up. “How do you feel?” asked the doctor. “Fine.” he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, “How many times do you have sex per month?” “About two or three.” the man replied. “You should be doing better than that.” the doctor […]...
20. Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on […]...
21. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, […]...
22. 97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed 97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.” Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the […]...
23. A Visit to the Doctor Going to the doctor is never Particularly pleasant for me. But I couldn’t Put it off Any longer. It was time for my Annual physical, and there was no Getting around it. So I picked up the phone and called for an appointment. “I’d like to see Dr. Shimoya next week, please, if that’s possible,” […]...
24. A man is walking past this house when a used condom A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock […]...
25. Three couples wanted to join a church Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the […]...
26. Перевод слова reply Reply – ответ, отвечать Перевод слова In reply to your letter – в ответ на ваше письмо to make a reply – ответить, дать ответ reply paid – с оплаченным ответом Reply to the question. Ответь на вопрос. He laughed a Reply. Он ответил со смехом. I’ll Reply by wire. Я отвечу телеграммой....
27. An elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests “Look at me.” an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. “I’ve aged like a fine old carefully stored wine.” “I certainly have to agree with that.” piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. “Henry’s cork’s been stationary for years.”...
28. This man got his prescription for Viagra This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.” “Perfect,” she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He […]...
29. Two bikers were talking at a bar Two bikers were talking at a bar. “How’s married life?” asks the first. “It’s fine,” says the second. “How’s the sex?” asks the first. “Fine,” says the second, “At least I don’t have to wait in line!”...
30. Перевод слова pregnant Pregnant – беременная; полный смысла, важный Перевод слова Pregnant woman – беременная женщина mature pregnant cow – взрослая стельная корова pregnant years – годы, насыщенные важными событиями words pregnant with meaning – слова, полные глубокого смысла She was heavily Pregnant. Она была на последних месяцах беременности. She’s Pregnant with their first child. Она беременна их […]...
31. A young lady had just visited her doctor A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The […]...
32. Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late […]...
33. A young girl had not been feeling well A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
34. A young mother paying a visit to a doctor A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.” “No,” said the doctor calmly, […]...
35. A helping hand Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around […]...
36. A man was taking his wife A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody […]...
37. HEGS The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S “What’s that?”, the patient asks. “It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.” The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which the Doctor responds, “We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.” “Why only pancackes?”, […]...
38. Eye sex A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
39. Opposites attract “You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor. “Why on earth did you get married?” “I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply. “He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”...
40. Sex on Sabbath A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex […]...