A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City

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1. A Trip to New York City(The phone rings.) Lucy: Hello. Jeff: Hey Lucy, it’s Jeff. Lucy: Hey, welcome back. How was your vacation? Jeff: Oh, it was great. The seven days in New York was a Blast. Lucy: Oh, yeah? Did you do any sightseeing or just visit with friends? Jeff: I got to do both, actually. First, I saw ... Читать далее...
2. The Zen Master is visiting New York CityThe Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, «Make me one with everything.» The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box ... Читать далее...
3. German JokesQ: How does a German eat mussels A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* … AUFMACHEN!!! — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Q: What’s ... Читать далее...
4. This lady who was living in New York City had to get backThis lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. «Please I need to get back to England» she pleaded. «If you sneak me ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова touristTourist — турист Перевод слова Tourist-class passenger — пассажир туристического класса tourist season — туристический сезон tourist visa — туристическая виза The museums attract a lot of Tourists. Музеи привлекают множество туристов. The Tourist had a foreign accent. Турист говорил с иностранным акцентом. We specialize in catering for Tourist bus tours. Мы специализируемся на обслуживании ... Читать далее...
6. A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas tripA tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX’. The official explains: «No, no, no. That is not what we ... Читать далее...
7. Перевод слова GermanGerman — немецкий, немец, немецкий язык Перевод слова New word of German mintage — новое слово немецкого происхождения an obscure German poet — малоизвестный немецкий поэт words borrowed from the German — слова, заимствованные из немецкого the Germans — немцы He improved his German. Он продвинулся в изучении немецкого языка. He is originally German. Он ... Читать далее...
8. A man walks into a bar and orders two drinksA man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what’s going on. «Why are you pouring that drink on your hand»? ... Читать далее...
9. A customer walks into a restaurant and noticesA customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, «$500 if we fail to fill your order.» When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant ... Читать далее...
10. A waitress walks up to one of her tables inA waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, «What the hell do you guys think you are doing?» One of the Japanese men explains, «Can’t you see? We are all berry hungry.» The waitress ... Читать далее...
11. An American tourist is visiting ChinaAn American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: «How large is the population here?» «Around 1.5 billion» — the guide answers American, After a short pause: «So, what else do you do here?»...
12. A panda bear walks into a restaurantA panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door. The owner of the restaurant says, «Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying ... Читать далее...
13. New YorkNew York is one of the largest cities in the world. Its population is over 11 million people. New York is an industrial and cultural centre of the country. Most business is centred in Manhattan Island. The whole area is very small, that’s why the sky-scrapers were invented in New York and, especially, in Wall ... Читать далее...
14. A tourist, visiting a small town in IsraelA tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to «The Unknown Soldier». At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: «Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg». The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, «As a soldier, that ... Читать далее...
15. New York (2)New York is one of the largest cities in the world and the biggest seaport. It’s the financial capital of the country. It’s the business centre of the United States. The city is situated in New York State, at the mouth of the Hudson river. It’s population is over eight million. In early times the ... Читать далее...
16. From the history of New York — Из истории Нью-ЙоркаThe first European explorer who saw Manhattan Island was Giovanni da Verrazano, an Italian merchant who was in the service of the French king, Francis I. The date was April, 1524. Today a bridge which carries his name, the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge, is one of the city’s most impressive sights. It is the longest suspension bridge ... Читать далее...
17. A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shopA tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. «Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,» says the shop ... Читать далее...
18. New York (3)New York has always been the gateway to the USA. But it is more than just a door; it is also a window through which the life of the whole nation may be observed. New York is a city of striking social contrasts. New York includes five boroughs: Manhattan, the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn and Richmond. ... Читать далее...
19. A woman selling apples in New YorkA woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. ‘I know why you are chasing after me… you want to ... Читать далее...
20. New York JokesNew York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
21. City & Guilds для нас — City & Guilds for usEnglish is a worldwide language. Nowadays knowing of English is very important aspect to get a good job in Russia. Knowledge of English gives you additional chance to find a well-paid job in the time of crisis. But it`s impossible to know the quality of English without a special certificate. That`s why more and more ... Читать далее...
22. Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum withLittle Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks «What’s that mum? » His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, «That’s where your dad accidentially hit me ... Читать далее...
23. A man walks into a pubThe following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, «cor! I’ve just had my first blow-job and it was great! — I’ll have a large whiskey please, barman.» The man takes his whiskey and downs it. «Same again?» asks the barman. «Okay» ... Читать далее...
24. German Corporate Culture — Немецкая корпоративная культураGerman Corporate Culture differs from Anglo-American Corporate Culture significantly. The main difference is that the controlling and managing functions are divided between two branches of authorities. So the management system consists of 2 parts: the Supervision Council and the Governance Cabinet. In German Corporate Culture control share holding is concentrated in the hands of wealthy ... Читать далее...
25. Zaporozhye: The city in which I liveMy native city is the city of Zaporozhye. It is very dear to me, because I was born here. Zaporozhye is situated in the south of Ukraine. It’s territory stretches for about 50 square kilometres. The city is divided by the river Dnieper into two parts. The population of Zaporozhye is approximately 900 thousand people. ... Читать далее...
26. A pollster was taking opinions outside the United NationsA pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, «Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?» The Saudi replied, ... Читать далее...
27. A woman goes into a bar and orders a beerA woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt. Finally, the barman says: «Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?» «Well,» the chick replies, ... Читать далее...
28. Humor about the IrishAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, ... Читать далее...
29. A business man from New York decided to quit his jobA business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I ... Читать далее...
30. Briefly about City & Guilds — Кратко о City & GuildsExamination City & Guilds is based in 1878. The organization is under protection Royal family of the Great Britain and is one of the leading commissions of the Europe. From the beginning tested only Englishmen, them estimated on 400 qualifications. However now this examination was recognized with 100 countries of the world, examined test on ... Читать далее...
31. What is your nameWalking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, «Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.» «Hans Olaffsen?», he muses. «How in hell does that fit in here?» So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind ... Читать далее...
32. An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remoteAn attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes ... Читать далее...
33. The wife is not speaking to me 1A construction worker walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, «All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!» A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks «Anyone got a problem with that?» The silence lengthens. He ... Читать далее...
34. A German shepherd went to a Western Union officeA German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, «Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof.. woof..woof…woof.» The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, «There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘woof’ for the same price.» The dog replied «What, and ruin the punchline?!»...
35. German Shepard on Golf CourseA golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse ... Читать далее...
36. I got a great Polish jokeA guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, «Hey, I got this great Polish Joke…» The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: «Before you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of ... Читать далее...
37. A tourist from the United States of AmericaA tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, «Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D. C. ... Читать далее...
38. A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrowA man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says ‘I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.’ Six months later the man comes ... Читать далее...
39. City & Guilds Centre in My Town — Центр City & Guilds в моем городеCity & Guilds is one of the oldest and very well known British Examination Board and works about 130 years. It offers more than 500 qualifications exams. City & Guilds certificates are recognized in many countries around the world. In Stary Oskol City & Guilds centre has started in April 2005 and since that over ... Читать далее...
40. A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugsA woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and ... Читать далее...