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1. Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: ” OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like […]...
2. Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If […]...
3. A young blonde woman is distraught A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband […]...
4. How many women with PMS does it take to Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this […]...
5. Psychiatrist phone Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so […]...
6. Showering: Men v. Women How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more […]...
7. Перевод слова secure Secure – безопасный, спокойный, непоколебимый Перевод слова Secure hope of salvation – твердая надежда на спасение our victory is secure – наша победа несомненна a peaceful and secure old age – тихая и безмятежная старость secure retreat – надежное убежище Keep your passport in a Secure place. Храните свой паспорт в безопасном месте. Troops were […]...
8. Modems beat women Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing “AT”. When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won’t say a […]...
9. Значение идиомы light [light] See: BRING TO LIGHT, COME TO LIGHT, DASH LIGHT, HIDE ONE’SLIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL, IN THE LIGHT OF, MAKE LIGHT OF, MANY HANDS MAKELIGHT WORK, OUT LIKE A LIGHT, SEE THE LIGHT, TRAVEL LIGHT....
10. University courses for men and women Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do […]...
11. A Jewish Mother Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I […]...
12. Understanding Men and Women Lucy: Jeff, Here’s a question. I was Just talking to Dawn. You know, they had their first Wedding anniversary last week. Guess what her husband gave her as a present. Jeff: I don’t know. What? Lucy: He gave her a Vacuum cleaner. Jeff: Didn’t she want a vacuum cleaner? Lucy: Yes, the old one was […]...
13. Значение идиомы come to light [come to light] {v. phr.} To be discovered; become known; appear. John’s thefts from the bank where he worked came to light when the bank examiners made an inspection. When the old woman died it came to light that she was actually rich. New facts about ancient Egypt have recently come to light. Compare: BRING […]...
14. Women’s instructions WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So […]...
15. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
16. Значение идиомы in light of [in light of] also [in the light of] {adj. phr.} 1. As a result ofnew information; by means of new ideas. The teacher changed John’sgrade in the light of the extra work in the workbook. 2. Because of. In light of the muddy field, the football team wore their olduniforms. Syn.: IN VIEW OF....
17. How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder....
18. Перевод слова loud Loud – громкий, шумный Перевод слова Loud groan – громкий стон loud guffaw – громкий хохот streets loud with life – оживленные шумные улицы Don’t ask so Loud. Не задавайте вопросов так громко. The more Tom drank, the Louder he became. Чем больше Том пил, тем громче он становился. He gave a Loud laugh. Он […]...
19. Japan, Seeking Trim Waists, Measures Millions Japan, a country not known for its overweight people, has undertaken one of the most ambitious campaigns ever by a nation to slim down its citizenry. Summoned by the city of Amagasaki one recent morning, Minoru Nogiri, 45, a flower shop owner, found himself lining up to have his waistline measured. With no visible paunch, […]...
20. Перевод слова employ Employ – нанимать, использовать, употреблять Перевод слова To be gainfully employed – иметь оплачиваемую работу in the government’s employ – на государственной службе to employ criminally – использовать в преступных целях to employ the right word – употребить нужное слово How long have you been Employed at this job? Как долго вы здесь работаете? They […]...
21. On their wedding night the husband was so self On their wedding night the husband was so self – conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. “That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to […]...
22. There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When they got about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no idea way use your imagination). The three girls jump off and swim to a nearby island. After being there […]...
23. They are stopped by the police John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just […]...
24. Ice fishing This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There’s no fish there. Guy goes to another spot and drills. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There’s no fish there, either. Guy tries a third spot. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either. Guy, getting a little nervous: “Are […]...
25. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
26. Значение идиомы somebody up there loves hates me Somebody up there loves Hates me [somebody up there loves Hates me] {slang} An expression intimatingthat an unseen power in heaven, such as God, has been favorable orunfavorable to the one making the exclamation. Look at all themoney I won! I say somebody up there sure loves me! Look at allthe money I’ve lost! I […]...
27. Значение идиомы bring to light [bring to light] {v. phr.} To discover ; find out about; expose. Many things left by the ancient Egyptians in tombs have been brought to light by scientists and explorers. His enemies brought to light some foolish things he had done while young, but he was elected anyway because people trusted him. Compare: COME TO […]...
28. Перевод слова husband Husband – муж Перевод слова Ex-husband, former husband – бывший муж henpecked husband – подкаблучник to leave one’s husband – оставить мужа My Husband doesn’t cook Мой муж не готовит. She lied to her Husband. Она солгала мужу. She cheats on her Husband. Она изменяет своему мужу....
29. Talking About Attractive Men and Women Pamela: You know that your tongue is hanging out of your mouth, right? David: That’s because I’ve never seen so many beautiful women in one place before. Why have I never been to this beach before? Look at her! She’s a Hottie! Pamela: Isn’t that what you said about that woman over there? David: No, […]...
30. Husband always insisted on making love Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, “You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?” Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…..”...
31. Значение идиомы out loud [out loud] {adv. phr.} In an ordinary speaking voice and notwhispering or talking quietly; so everybody can hear; aloud. Theteacher read the final grades out loud. Mary spoke out loud so thepeople standing nearby would hear. Sometimes I find it helpful tothink out loud....
32. Топик “International Women’s Day (8 March) / Международный Женский День (8 Марта)” Словарь A present [ˈprez(ə)nt] – подарок To congratulate [kənˈɡrætjʊleɪt] – праздновать To wash up – мыть посуду To celebrate [ˈselɪbreɪt] – праздновать Almost [ˈɔːlməʊst] – почти Lay the table [leɪ ðə ˈteɪb(ə)l] – накрывать на стол The 8th of March is a great official holiday for all women. It began in 1909 by women in […]...
33. Bragging About Success With Women Jonah: I’d love to get a date with Jessica. She’s so hot! Becca: You mean you want To add another notch to your bedpost. Jonah: I’ve Been around the block, but there’s nothing wrong with Sowing a few wild oats. That’s all part of being young and Carefree. Becca: Hmm, maybe you shouldn’t be telling […]...
34. A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating, “the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…” Pretty soon, […]...
35. Значение идиомы self-seeking [self-seeking] {adj.} Given to egotism and self-aggrandizement. Al is the most self-seeking person I’ve ever met, he is not fun to bearound....
36. Seeking Asylum Julie: The government is Out to get me. I feel like I don’t have any real Freedom and everything I do is being Monitored. Ed: Maybe you should move to another country. Julie: I guess that’s one solution. Ed: Yes, you should Seek asylum in another country. Julie: Become a Refugee? I’m not sure I […]...
37. Being Cautious or Thrill-Seeking Paula: Did you get an invitation to Kip and Sheri’s wedding? Robert: Yeah, I did. I’m still trying To wrap my head around the two of them getting married. Never in my wildest dreams would I put those two together. It Boggles my mind that they’re In the least compatible. Paula: What do you mean? […]...
38. Значение идиомы word for word [word for word] {adv. phr.} In exactly the same words. Marycopied Sally’s composition word for word. Joan repeated theconversation word for word. She learned the poem many years agobut she recited it word for word....
39. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to […]...
40. Getting a Marriage License Yves: Help me fill out this Application for our Marriage license. Vanessa: Can’t you do it? I’m really busy with work right now. Do as much as you can and just ask me if you don’t know something. Yves: Okay, I’ll try, but I’m reading through the requirements, and it’s a good idea for both […]...