When asked for her occupation

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1. Stupid people stories 02 Stupid people DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the […]...
2. Перевод слова occupation Occupation – занятие, род деятельности; оккупация Перевод слова His occupation is farming – он занимается сельским хозяйством by occupation she is a secretary – она по профессии секретарь men out of occupation – незанятые, безработные the early days of the occupation – первые дни оккупации State your name and Occupation. Назовите свое имя и род […]...
3. A judge asked a defendant to please stand A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a […]...
4. Значение идиомы on the bench [on the bench] 1. Sitting in a law court as a judge. JudgeWyzanski is on the bench this morning. 2. Sitting among thesubstitute players. The coach had to keep his star player on thebench with a sprained ankle. Compare: BENCH WARMER....
5. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, “Do you ever get to feeling horny?” “Yes,” her friend replied. “What do you do about it?” “I usually suck on a Lifesaver.” After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, “Well, what beach do you go to?”...
6. Перевод слова bench Bench – скамья Перевод слова Garden bench – скамейка в саду small bench – скамеечка, табурет bench mark – исходный пункт, исходные базисные данные We sat on a park Bench. Мы сидели на скамейке в парке. He photographed the women sitting on the Bench. Он фотографировал женщин, сидящих на скамейке. Our team has a strong […]...
7. Перевод слова madam Madam – мадам, госпожа, сударыня Перевод слова Madam Chairman – госпожа председатель proper madam – девушка с тяжелым характером she is a bit of a madam – она любит командовать Madam, all men are bores, except when we want them. Мадам, все мужчины скучны, когда мы в них не нуждаемся. They say nothing unless a […]...
8. For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.” The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front […]...
9. Перевод слова delight Delight – удовольствие, наслаждение Перевод слова With delight – с удовольствием, с наслаждением to delight the eye – радовать глаз I am delighted with you – я восхищаюсь вами Children Delight in contact with animals. Дети в восторге от общения с животными. To my great Delight, our guests arrived on time. К моему большому удовольствию […]...
10. Choosing an Occupation – Выбор профессии (1) One of the most difficult problems a young person faces is deciding what to do about a career. There are individuals, of course, who from the time they are six years old “know” that they want to be doctors or pilots or fire fighters, but the majority of us do not get around to making […]...
11. The medical student was asked four reasons The medical student was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk. This is the answer he submitted: 1. It’s fresher. 2. It’s cleaner. 3. The cats can’t get to it. 4. It’s easier to take on a picnic. He also added: “It comes in such cute containers.”...
12. How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says, “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says, “Just hold this over your […]...
13. A fair warning Tourist guide at zoo: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… […]...
14. A woman was thinking about finding a pet A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large […]...
15. A couple of geezers were sitting A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. “How are you, Tom?” asked Marvin. “I’m not feeling well today – utterly exhausted,” Tom replied. “I pulled a muscle and it’s killing me.” “That pulled muscle shouldn’t make you so tired, though.” “Well, it does if you […]...
16. A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. “Reach up there and find out.” She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, “Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Aye, it has,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!”...
17. An artist asked the gallery owner An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told […]...
18. A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, “Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.” She replied, “What other […]...
19. A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem, Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.” “Well, uh, yes, it is.” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.” “Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once […]...
20. An old occupation What happens when people of different occupations get old. – Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. – Old actors never die, they just drop apart. – Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. – Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. – Old bankers never die, they just […]...
21. Marrying and divorcing in Heaven It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. […]...
22. Taking the Bus in Los Angeles I just moved to L. A. and don’t have a car. Everybody says that you can’t Get around this city without one, but I wanted to Prove them wrong. I asked my neighbor to take me to the downtown Bus station so I could try taking the bus home. She thought I was crazy but […]...
23. SCHEDULE OF A MAN A MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because “alarm didn’t work”. 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while “enjoying” favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at […]...
24. How long? This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue. The lawyer asked, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?” “Years, I tell you years” she replied. ” Thats no answer, you have to specify how long has he intimated with you.” “I don’t know exactly, its average, about six inches”...
25. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon” Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the […]...
26. A horny young man went to a brothel A horny young man went to a brothel… The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and […]...
27. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this […]...
28. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I […]...
29. The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, “Compared to what?” She held up one finger and asked if I […]...
30. Значение идиомы warm the bench [warm the bench] {v. phr.}, {informal} To act as a substitute on anathletic team. Bill has been warming the bench for three footballseasons; he hopes that the coach will let him play this year. -[bench warmer] {n.}, {informal} A substitute player. Last year Tedwas only a bench warmer, but this year he is the team’s […]...
31. The meaning of life A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve never done any of those things either.” “Well […]...
32. Scared sleeping Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for two […]...
33. At night court, a man was brought in and set At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”...
34. Choosing an Occupation – Выбор профессии There are many interesting and useful professions, and it is really not an easy task to choose the right one. I began to think about my future profession at the age of 15. My favourite subjects at school were mathematics and English. My teachers were well-educated people with deep knowledge of the subjects. They encouraged […]...
35. Crying about life Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. “Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then […]...
36. Choosing an Occupation – Выбор профессии (3) There are many interesting and useful professions, and it is really not an easy task to choose the right one. I began to think about my future profession at the age of 15. My favourite subjects at school were mathematics and English. My teachers were well-educated people with deep knowledge of the subjects. They encouraged […]...
37. On their wedding night the husband was so self On their wedding night the husband was so self – conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. “That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to […]...
38. Перевод слова court Court – суд; добиваться, обхаживать Перевод слова International Court of Justice – Международный суд to court popularity – добиваться популярности to court the ladies – ухаживать за дамами Several members of the Court were under suspicion. Несколько членов суда были под подозрением. John is Courting Mary. Джон ухаживает за Мэри. The Court will not hear […]...
39. Homework One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, “We’re learning about sexual education.” She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something usefull.” Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. […]...
40. A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of […]...