When asked for her occupation

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1. Stupid people stories 02Stupid people DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the ... Читать далее...
2. A judge asked a defendant to please standA judge asked a defendant to please stand. «You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.» From out in the audience a man shouted, «Lying bastard!» «Silence in the court!», the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, «You are also charged with killing a ... Читать далее...
3. At night court, a man was brought in and setAt night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, «State your name, occupation, and the charge.» The defendant said, «I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.» The judge winced and said, «Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!»...
4. Перевод слова occupationOccupation — занятие, род деятельности; оккупация Перевод слова His occupation is farming — он занимается сельским хозяйством by occupation she is a secretary — она по профессии секретарь men out of occupation — незанятые, безработные the early days of the occupation — первые дни оккупации State your name and Occupation. Назовите свое имя и род ... Читать далее...
5. Значение идиомы on the bench[on the bench] 1. Sitting in a law court as a judge. JudgeWyzanski is on the bench this morning. 2. Sitting among thesubstitute players. The coach had to keep his star player on thebench with a sprained ankle. Compare: BENCH WARMER....
6. Staring down from the bench to announce the termsStaring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: «I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.» To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: «That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, ... Читать далее...
7. A woman was thinking about finding a petA woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large ... Читать далее...
8. Every damn timeSpeaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband «beats her.» The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman. «Every damn time your Honor,» she sighed, «Every damn time!»...
9. Baby bear wants to live somewhere elseThe three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of ... Читать далее...
10. Best advice possibleTaylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, «You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.» After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where ... Читать далее...
11. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one askedDown in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, «Do you ever get to feeling horny?» «Yes,» her friend replied. «What do you do about it?» «I usually suck on a Lifesaver.» After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, «Well, what beach do you go to?»...
12. Перевод слова benchBench — скамья Перевод слова Garden bench — скамейка в саду small bench — скамеечка, табурет bench mark — исходный пункт, исходные базисные данные We sat on a park Bench. Мы сидели на скамейке в парке. He photographed the women sitting on the Bench. Он фотографировал женщин, сидящих на скамейке. Our team has a strong ... Читать далее...
13. Some time after their bitter divorceSome time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, «So… out looking for a little, huh?» She smiled sweetly and said, «No, I had 6 years of that with you. I’m out looking for a lot!!!»...
14. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise shipAn old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: «Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this ... Читать далее...
15. Значение идиомы hold court[hold court] {v. phr.} 1. To hold a formal meeting of a royal courtor a court of law. Judge Stephens allowed no foolishness when heheld court. 2. {informal} To act like a king or queen among subjects. Even at sixteen, Judy was holding court for numbers of charmedboys....
16. Перевод слова madamMadam — мадам, госпожа, сударыня Перевод слова Madam Chairman — госпожа председатель proper madam — девушка с тяжелым характером she is a bit of a madam — она любит командовать Madam, all men are bores, except when we want them. Мадам, все мужчины скучны, когда мы в них не нуждаемся. They say nothing unless a ... Читать далее...
17. For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycleFor his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, «Son, we’d love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.» The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front ... Читать далее...
18. The first time I went to a drug store to buy condomsThe first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, «Compared to what?» She held up one finger and asked if I ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова bribeBribe — взятка, подкуп Перевод слова To bribe an official — дать взятку должностному лицу to get a bribe — получить взятку to bribe a judge — подкупить судью We Bribed the children with candy. Мы подкупили детей конфетами. He Bribed one of the guards to smuggle out a note. Он подкупил одного из охранников, ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова delightDelight — удовольствие, наслаждение Перевод слова With delight — с удовольствием, с наслаждением to delight the eye — радовать глаз I am delighted with you — я восхищаюсь вами Children Delight in contact with animals. Дети в восторге от общения с животными. To my great Delight, our guests arrived on time. К моему большому удовольствию ... Читать далее...
21. Перевод слова supremeSupreme — верховный, высший, предельный Перевод слова The supreme test — решающее испытание Supreme Court of Judicature — Верховный суд (Великобритании) Supreme Pontiff — папа римский Money reigns Supreme here. Здесь правят деньги. A Supreme Court judge was charged with taking bribes. Судье Верховного Суда было предъявлено обвинение в получении взятки. Jupiter is the Supreme ... Читать далее...
22. Choosing an Occupation — Выбор профессии (1)One of the most difficult problems a young person faces is deciding what to do about a career. There are individuals, of course, who from the time they are six years old «know» that they want to be doctors or pilots or fire fighters, but the majority of us do not get around to making ... Читать далее...
23. One night, an 87-year-old womanOne night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to ... Читать далее...
24. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
25. Lawyers on a juryA trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with ... Читать далее...
26. Crying about lifeOld Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. «Well,» says the old fellow, «I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then ... Читать далее...
27. An elderly man goes into a brothelAn elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. «I’m 90 years old,» he says. «90!» replies the woman. «Don’t you realize you’ve had it?» «Oh, sorry,» says the old man, ... Читать далее...
28. A tough case was being argued in courtA tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. «The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!» «I don’t think so,» his attorney told him. «I sent it in ... Читать далее...
29. A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeksA trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, «I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!» The Madam is astonished. «But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of ... Читать далее...
30. The medical student was asked four reasonsThe medical student was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk. This is the answer he submitted: 1. It’s fresher. 2. It’s cleaner. 3. The cats can’t get to it. 4. It’s easier to take on a picnic. He also added: «It comes in such cute containers.»...
31. How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurseQ: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: «This won’t hurt a bit.» A schoolteacher says, «We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.» An airline stewardess says, «Just hold this over your ... Читать далее...
32. A young couple got married, and in their familyA young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between ... Читать далее...
33. A fair warningTourist guide at zoo: «Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… ... Читать далее...
34. A technical bastardA couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, ... Читать далее...
35. A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kiltA young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. «Reach up there and find out.» She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, «Oh, it’s gruesome!» «Aye, it has,» replied the Scotsman, «and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!»...
36. A college professor in an anatomy class asked his studentsA college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, «Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.» She replied, «What other ... Читать далее...
37. An artist asked the gallery ownerAn artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. «I have good news and bad news,» the owner replied. «The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told ... Читать далее...
38. Legal ProblemsI was reading the newspaper this morning and saw a story about a university student Arrested and Charged with Burglary and Assault. Last Monday, this student hit a Security guard over the head, Broke into his professor’s office, and Stole the professor’s computer. He wasn’t doing well in the class and thought that he could ... Читать далее...
39. Proffessional TermsThe pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. «On what grounds?» questioned the Judge, «This court does not take annulments lightly.» «Non-virginity,» replied the quarterback, «When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver.»...
40. A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher askedA fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, «What’s the problem, Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.» «Well, uh, yes, it is.» replied Carol. «I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.» «Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,» said the teacher, «but this once ... Читать далее...