The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life

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1. A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in – law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and […]...
2. Bush fans v. Kerry fans There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy – Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to […]...
3. A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind, and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order […]...
4. The story with the moral In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.” There was a fish in the water […]...
5. George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. […]...
6. Peanuts Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it […]...
7. Sports is Important in Our Life – Спорт важен в нашей жизни Sport is very important in our life. It is popular among young and old people. Many people do morning exercises, jog in the morning and train themselves in clubs, in different sections and take part in sport competitions. Other people like sports too, but they only watch sports games, listen to sports news. They prefer […]...
8. A panda bear walks into a restaurant A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door. The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying […]...
9. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?” The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” “What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter. “My ex-wife” […]...
10. Значение идиомы cool down [cool down] or [cool off] {v.} To lose or cause to lose the heat of any deep feeling ; make or become calm, cooled or indifferent; lose interest. A heated argument can be settled better if both sides cool down first. John was deeply in love with Sally before he left for college, but he […]...
11. Перевод слова bush Bush – куст Перевод слова Bush of hair – копна волос flourishing bush – цветущий куст righteous bush – марихуана The Bush was transplanted to a different part of the garden. Куст пересадили в другую часть сада. Into that Bush pop he goes. И внезапно он скрылся в кустах. He squatted behind the Bush to […]...
12. A WOMANS SCHEDULE A WOMAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don’t have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger […]...
13. A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, “how much?” she replies, “$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up.” He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, “it’s my hairdresser’s fee!”...
14. A young girl sees her father in the shower A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”...
15. The Presidential watches A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called “the George Bush Watch” and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says – “you are suppose to read his lips”. He then looks at a watch called the “Ross Perot Watch” […]...
16. George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. “I’ll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,” answers the President. “But sir, what about the mad cow?!!” asks the waiter. “Oh,” answers Dubya, “she’ll order for herself.”...
17. Перевод слова hunter Hunter – охотник Перевод слова Hunter after glory – искатель славы curio hunter – охотник за древностями fortune hunter – охотник за богатством The Hunter discharged his gun into the air. Охотник выстрелил в воздух. Loosing off his last arrow, the Hunter prayed that the deer would fall. Выпуская последнюю стрелу, охотник молился о том, […]...
18. Orange penis An old man goes to the doctor and says “Dr., I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My dick is orange.” The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange. […]...
19. A customer walks into a pharmacy A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don’t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he […]...
20. Parenting: the Most Important Job on the Planet A person’s upbringing and education starts in his or her family. Even when children grow up and become independent, their families never stop influencing their lives. The family is responsible for an individual’s physical and moral development and it is in the family that values, norms and ideas are communicated from generation to generation. Being […]...
21. A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again […]...
22. You tell me! A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?” The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden […]...
23. There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, “How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?” After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and […]...
24. Значение идиомы within an inch of one’s life [within an inch of one’s life] {adv. phr.} Until you are almostdead; near to dying. The bear clawed the hunter within an inch ofhis life. Often used after “to”. The prize fighter was beaten towithin an inch of his life....
25. The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: “Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.” The CO said “I see millions of stars.” 1st Sgt.: “And what does that tell you, sir?” CO: Astronomically, it tells […]...
26. Your hair smells nice A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, “What’s wrong with the coworker […]...
27. Перевод слова job-hunter Job-hunter – соискатель, ищущий работу Перевод слова We provide Job-hunters with the complete information both about the vacancy and the company. Мы обеспечиваем соискателей исчерпывающей иформацией как о вакансии, так и о компании. Whichever way I look at you, you’re a zero offer Job hunter. В таком виде ты не получишь предложений по работе. Происхождение […]...
28. HEGS The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S “What’s that?”, the patient asks. “It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.” The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which the Doctor responds, “We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.” “Why only pancackes?”, […]...
29. Incredible golf ball A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose […]...
30. Значение идиомы beat about the bush [beat about the bush] or [beat around the bush] {v. phr.}, {slang} To talk about things without giving a clear answer; avoid the question or the point. He would not answer yes or no, but beat about the bush. He beat about the bush for a half hour without coming to the point. Compare: BESIDE […]...
31. A bad habit I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.” “What is she doing?”, the pal asks. “Waiting for me to get home.”...
32. An old occupation What happens when people of different occupations get old. – Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. – Old actors never die, they just drop apart. – Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. – Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. – Old bankers never die, they just […]...
33. Important thoughts *Question: What is one horsepower? *Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. *You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind. *Talc is found on […]...
34. A helping hand Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around […]...
35. An elderly man goes into a brothel An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man, […]...
36. Fred Dingaling A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. “Fred,” he replies. “Fred what?” […]...
37. Buying a chainsaw This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line […]...
38. A woman walks into her accountant’s office and A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks […]...
39. This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to […]...
40. Stuck in a plane George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. “Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!” […]...