The painful execution

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1. One day in class the teacher One day in class the teacher has sex education. On the black board she draws a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is. In the back of the room, Dirty Johnny stands and says “That’s a penis, and my father has two of them”. The teacher looks surprised and […]...
2. Перевод слова shrink Shrink – сокращать, съежиться, давать усадку; уклоняться Перевод слова To shrink after laundering – садиться после стирки meat shrinks in cooking – мясо уваривается to shrink with cold – съежиться от холода my income has shrunk – мои доходы уменьшились to shrink away from responsibility – уклоняться от ответственности Meat Shrinks as it cooks. Мясо […]...
3. Camel Died Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and […]...
4. Перевод слова tiny Tiny – крошечный Перевод слова Tiny parasitic insects – маленькие насекомые-паразиты tiny spark – искорка tiny brook – ручеек tiny tot with yellow hair – малыш с золотистыми волосами The plate had a Tiny chip in the edge. На ободке тарелки была крошечная щербинка. The computer chips were Tiny. Компьютерные микросхемы были крошечные. It was […]...
5. Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away […]...
6. A painful adjustment Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. “Well, you see, this morning when I got up,” he said, “I was barely awake […]...
7. The most painful part A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I […]...
8. A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?” The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.” His friend says, “You […]...
9. It is worth trying A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.” […]...
10. Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. “Shit,” said the driver to his passenger. “What kind […]...
11. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
12. Alaskan tourism If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to […]...
13. An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied. Two days later, Mr. […]...
14. An elderly couple in a senior home An elderly couple in a senior’s home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys’s penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. “What’s she got that I […]...
15. Перевод слова painful Painful – болезненный, мучительный Перевод слова Painful tooth – больной зуб painful treatment – болезненное лечение painful problem – больной вопрос painful news – неприятная новость The animal died a Painful death. Животное умерло мучительной смертью. It was Painful to watch. На это было больно смотреть. The divorce was Painful for both of us. Развод […]...
16. Перевод слова huge Huge – громадный, гигантский Перевод слова Huge eater – обжора huge sleeper – соня huge difference – колоссальное различие huge debts – огромные долги The new system has made a Huge difference. Новая система – совсем другое дело. My dad’s got a Huge record collection. У моего папы огромная коллекция аудиозаписей. There is a Huge […]...
17. Taking the final exam Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But […]...
18. Like father like son Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.” “Johnny you […]...
19. Controlling Information to the Media Pablo: Okay everybody, have a seat. The purpose of this meeting is to get everybody On the same page. I’m Passing out the Fact sheet we’ve prepared. This fact sheet gives a Rundown on what has happened To date so that no one is In the dark about our current situation. We’ve also prepared these […]...
20. Jack goes to the doctor and says Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?” After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you’re willing to try […]...
21. Three altar boys are standing in the snow with Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis’ in a snow bank. Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, “Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis’ away.” The tallest altar boy turns around and […]...
22. Here is this guy who really takes care of his body Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it. He goes to the […]...
23. Перевод слова condemn Condemn – осуждать, порицать, браковать Перевод слова To condemn to death – приговаривать к смертной казни to condemn a licence – признать лицензию недействительной condemn a person for his conduct – осуждать человека за его поведение Her strange behavior Condemned her. Ее странное поведение стало для нее приговором. His bad leg Condemns him to a […]...
24. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.” St. Peter says:”You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.” The second says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.” […]...
25. Before performing a baptism, the priest approached Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?” “I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.” “I don’t mean […]...
26. Перевод слова black Black – черный Перевод слова Black cloth – черное сукно black races – черные расы on the black market – на черном рынке The ceiling Blackened. Потолок почернел. That’s a Black augury! Это дурное предзнаменование! He had a Black suit on. На нем был черный костюм. Примеры из жизни “Люди в черном” (Men in Black) […]...
27. Перевод слова surprise Surprise – сюрприз, удивление; удивлять, поражать Перевод слова In surprise – удивленно a surprise visit – приход в гости без предупреждения I shouldn’t be surprised if… – я нисколько не удивлюсь, если… I am Surprised at you. Вы меня удивляете. Is the party a Surprise? Эта вечеринка – сюрприз? I Surprised him in the act. […]...
28. Finish overseas tour A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far […]...
29. Значение идиомы get a black eye [get a black eye] {v. phr.} 1. To receive a dark ring around theeye after being hit by someone’s fist or an object. In thefistfight Tom got a black eye from Pete. Sue got a black eye whenshe ran into a tree. 2. To have one’s character denigrated. Ourfirm received a black eye because of […]...
30. A wife went in to see a therapist and said A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor” Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.” “MY dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?” “The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”...
31. A new tax Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D. C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 – P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% […]...
32. A man says to his wife A man says to his wife, “Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing.” Wife says, “I dont want to go.” Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, “It tastes like sh*t. Man says, […]...
33. This guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a This guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a concerned look on his face. “Doc,” he says, “I’m worried. It’s that dream. I’m having it again.” “What dream?” asked the shrink, not really paying attention. “You know,” says the man, “the one where I’m into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or […]...
34. Looking to buy a frog A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. […]...
35. Значение идиомы in the black [in the black] {adv.} or {adj. phr.}, {informal} In a successful orprofitable way; so as to make money. The big store was running inthe black. A business must stay in the black to keep on. Contrast: IN THE RED....
36. A substitute for women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked his friend. The first guy replies, “Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
37. Alcohol vs Women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked the other. The first guy replies, “Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
38. Two zebras are talking and one asks the other Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?” The other replies, “Well I don’t know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did and God replied, “You are what you are.” The next day he said […]...
39. 12 days of Christmas December 14, 1998 Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 1998 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your […]...
40. Значение идиомы headshrinker [headshrinker] {n.}, {slang}, {informal} A psychoanalyst, alsocalled a shrink. Forrester is falling apart; his family physiciansent him to a head shrinker....