The crusty old managing partner finally passed away

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1. George Costanza’s Tips for Working Hard IV Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail […]...
2. A hearing problem An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20′ behind her and asked “Can you hear me sweetheart”?. No reply. Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply. 5′ and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked “Can you hear me now honey”? His wife said “For the […]...
3. Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911 Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?” There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How […]...
4. It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
5. Telemarketers go away How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my […]...
6. Перевод слова finally Finally – в заключение, в конце концов Перевод слова Finally, I have to say… – в заключение я должен сказать… finally he agreed – в конце концов он согласился to vote finally – голосовать окончательно He Finally has a steady job. Наконец-то он нашел постоянную работу. The storm Finally tapered off. В конце концов шторм […]...
7. Arriving for an Appointment I arrived a little early for my sales appointment with the Office manager of Lyon Industries, and spoke to the Receptionist. Juri: Hello. I’m here for my 11:30 appointment with Sue Gibbons. Receptionist: What is your name? Juri: It’s Juri Lakoff. Receptionist: I’ll let her know that you’re here. [Speaking into the telephone] Sue, this […]...
8. It finally dawned “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone […]...
9. Managing a Classroom After three months of summer vacation, I was looking forward to the start of a new school year. … Okay, everybody, Settle down. Take your Seats and get out your Textbook. Charlie, Eyes on your own book. And Kathy, do you have something To share with the rest of the class? No? Then put that […]...
10. Anybody Home? A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is […]...
11. Who keeps saying those things A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard […]...
12. Перевод слова reply Reply – ответ, отвечать Перевод слова In reply to your letter – в ответ на ваше письмо to make a reply – ответить, дать ответ reply paid – с оплаченным ответом Reply to the question. Ответь на вопрос. He laughed a Reply. Он ответил со смехом. I’ll Reply by wire. Я отвечу телеграммой....
13. Jokes about the Fighting Irish Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?” It was general question time on the “Top […]...
14. A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each […]...
15. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, “cough drops” and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, “What are you doing here, m’am?” […]...
16. A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three […]...
17. Перевод слова junior Junior – младший, юношеский Перевод слова Robert Browning junior – Роберт Браунинг сын John Smith junior – Джон Смит младший junior library – библиотека для юношества junior assistant – помощник библиотекаря He is Junior to me by three years. Он младше меня на три года. She had been in the afternoon to the chemist’s to […]...
18. Recording an Outgoing Voice Mail Message I hate the sound of my own voice. I always have. When I’m speaking to an audience, I always sound Forced and Unnatural. So when we had To set up our new Voice mail system’s Outgoing message, it took me a few Tries to get it right: “Hello, you’ve reached Martin Navra at McQ Corp. […]...
19. Значение идиомы answer one’s calling [answer one’s calling] {v. phr.} To fulfill one’s destiny in terms of work or profession by doing what one has a talent for. Don answered his calling when he became a chiropractor. Susy answered her calling when she became a violinist....
20. Annoying phone calls The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking […]...
21. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know […]...
22. A Visit to the Doctor Going to the doctor is never Particularly pleasant for me. But I couldn’t Put it off Any longer. It was time for my Annual physical, and there was no Getting around it. So I picked up the phone and called for an appointment. “I’d like to see Dr. Shimoya next week, please, if that’s possible,” […]...
23. Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates… INSTRUCTIONS Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don’t forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and […]...
24. Next US President A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: “I’d like to become the next President of the United States.” The receptionist: “What are you, an idiot?” Redneck: “Why, is it required?”...
25. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, […]...
26. Перевод слова realize Realize – реализовать, выполнить, осознавать Перевод слова To realize one’s ambitions – осуществить свои честолюбивые замыслы our hopes were realized – наши надежды сбылись I fully realize the fact that… – я отдаю себе полный отчет в том, что… It was only later that I Realized my mistake. Только позже я понял свою ошибку. She […]...
27. Blonde on blonde A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally […]...
28. They are stopped by the police John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just […]...
29. A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and […]...
30. Значение идиомы so what [so what] {informal} Used as an impolite reply showing that youdon’t care about what another has said. Roy boasted that he was inthe sixth grade, but Ted said, “So what? I am in Junior High.” Syn.:WHAT OF IT....
31. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile […]...
32. A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was […]...
33. A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating, “the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…” Pretty soon, […]...
34. Getting Through on the Phone I have been trying to get a meeting with the CEO of Medofact to talk about a Partnership between our company and theirs. But I’ve had a hard time trying to Get through on the phone. First, there was the phone tree. I had to go through three Menus before I got the Option to […]...
35. The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, “I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.” Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, “Jesus […]...
36. Finding the right answers Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn’t ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn’t answer the question and that he shouldn’t […]...
37. A hearty breakfast A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, “I would like one of your special full English breakfasts”. “No problem.” Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. “But I want it MY way.” says the man. “What do you mean your way?” comes the reply. The man says, […]...
38. A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned […]...
39. NPR Pulled a Brilliant April Fools’ Prank On People Who Don’t Read “Why doesn’t America read anymore?” NPR asked on Tuesday. “We totally do, NPR. Shut up. We read all the time. We’re reading your article right now!” Facebook commenters screeched. But they didn’t read the article. If they had, they would’ve seen this: Eventually, some commenters began to catch on and spoil the joke, but the […]...
40. Speak more precisely Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. “My sergeants are wonderful”, said one soldier. “I wish I could say the same about mine,” said the other. “You could if you could lie as I do.” – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...