The Big Scare

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1. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
2. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
3. Trust thy friendThe sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. «Was it my friend Sam», he demanded. «No!» his weeping wife replied. «Was it my friend Jim then?» he asked. «NO!!!» she said ... Читать далее...
4. Staring down from the bench to announce the termsStaring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: «I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.» To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: «That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова hasteHaste — спешка, торопливость Перевод слова To be in haste — спешить, торопиться being in a great haste — второпях act in haste — действовать опрометчиво Make Haste! Поторапливайся! Make Haste or else you will be late. Торопитесь, иначе вы опоздаете. I would not wish to act with precipitate Haste. Я не хотел бы действовать ... Читать далее...
6. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversaryA man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, «When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?» The husband replied, «All I wanted to do ... Читать далее...
7. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
8. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
9. Значение идиомы fall due[fall due] or [come] or [become due] {v. phr.} To reach the timewhen a bill or invoice is to be paid. Our car payment falls due onthe first of every month....
10. A wife was berating her husbandA wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, «Don’t unleash the beast in me.» The wife snickered and replied, «Unlike a lot of women, ‘dear’, I’m not the least bit afraid of a mouse.»...
11. Перевод слова paymentPayment — платеж, уплата, оплата Перевод слова Monthly payment — ежемесячный взнос progress payment — поэтапная оплата cash payment — наличный расчет Who is eligible for benefit Payment? Кто вправе получать пособие? A small Payment now will cool his anger down. Небольшая выплата должна его успокоить. He never received an acknowledgment of his Payment. Он ... Читать далее...
12. Paying the BillsGrace: Did you already pay the Bills for this month? Will: No, I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Why? Grace: We got a Late notice from the credit card company. The notice says that they haven’t received the payment yet and it’s Past the due date. We are being charged a Late fee plus ... Читать далее...
13. Paying the BillsGrace: Did you already pay the Bills for this month? Will: No, I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Why? Grace: We got a Late notice from the credit card company. The notice says that they haven’t received the payment yet and it’s Past the due date. We are being charged a Late fee plus ... Читать далее...
14. A man was taking his wifeA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, «Don’t worry, everybody ... Читать далее...
15. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
16. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
17. When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money andWhen Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, «Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.» «Don’t be stupid, Joe,» said the psychiatrist. «My wife ran ... Читать далее...
18. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the marketThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a ... Читать далее...
19. Being hurtA husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. ... Читать далее...
20. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
21. Значение идиомы scare up[scare up] or [scrape up] {v.}, {informal} To find, collect, or gettogether with some effort when needed. The boy scared up enoughmoney to go to college. «Will you stay for supper?» she asked. «Ican scare up enough for us all.» He managed to scrape up the moneyfor his speeding fine....
22. Humor about Ireland 2Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. «Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.» «Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?» asked the other. «Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is ... Читать далее...
23. Значение идиомы That takes care of that![That takes care of that!] Informal way to say, «That concludes ourbusiness.» I paid my ex-wife the last alimony check and that takescare of that!...
24. Saving the situationAfter attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, «What the hell happened?» «As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,» replied the wife. «Piss on him,» answered the husband. «You did,» said the wife, «and he fired ... Читать далее...
25. Marital SexWhile making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: «What happened, did I hurt you?» «Why no, not at all,» said his surprised wife. «Whatever made you ... Читать далее...
26. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his homeA hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, «When did you bag him?» The host said proudly, «That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.» «What’s he stuffed with,» asked the visiting hunter. «My ex-wife» ... Читать далее...
27. How you made moneyA young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, «Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. «I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the ... Читать далее...
28. An extremely loyal fanThere was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself «what a waste» he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, «Is ... Читать далее...
29. Bum in need of foodOne afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?», he asked one man. «We don’t have any money for food.», The poor man replied. ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы make haste[make haste] {v. phr.} To move fast; hurry. — Rarely used inspeaking. The dog wriggled into one end of the hollow log, and therabbit made haste to get out the other end. Mary saw that she hadhurt Jane’s feelings, and made haste to say she was sorry. Compare:MAKE TRACKS....
31. There was a drunk man walking down the street turningThere was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, «Sir, what are you doing?» The drunk replied, «I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.» The police officer ... Читать далее...
32. The angry wife met her husband at the doorThe angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. «I assume,» she barked, «there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o’clock in the morning?» «There is!» he replied, «Breakfast.»...
33. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
34. A fortunate twist of fateTwo brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. «How do you account for this?» he asked the brothers. «It’s hereditary, sir,» the older one replied. «I see,» said the doctor, writing in his file. «Your ... Читать далее...
35. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
36. Another ethnic jokeA man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, «What a Pollack.» The Polish man said, «I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.» ... Читать далее...
37. Office CompetitionOkay, everybody. Listen up. We’re approaching the end of the month. Unless you’re new here, you know that we are in Competition with our Rival, the East Coast office, to have the most sales this period. At the beginning of the month, we Pulled ahead and it looked like we were finally going To turn ... Читать далее...
38. There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impedimentThere was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked «Could I have a fucket please?» The assistant asked»Pardon sir?». «Can I have a fucket please?» Replied the man. ... Читать далее...
39. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroomLittle Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little ... Читать далее...
40. A rural Frenchman was on trialA rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, «Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?»...