Serious desease

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1. At the PharmacyI went to the Drugstore down the street To fill a prescription at the Pharmacy. I have had some problems with my arm and the doctor prescribed for me a new Medication. I waited in line and when it was my turn, I handed the prescription to the Pharmacist. She told me to come back ... Читать далее...
2. A woman visits her physicianA woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: «Well, what can I do for you madam?». The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: «You can discuss any matter with ... Читать далее...
3. PneumoniaA man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a ... Читать далее...
4. A dyslexic nurseTwo doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. «She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.» said one doctor. «Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!» The ... Читать далее...
5. Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient ... Читать далее...
6. At the doctor’s — У доктораIs there anything more important than health? I don’t think so. «Health is the greatest wealth,» wise people say. You can’t be good at your studies or work well when you are ill. If you have a headache, heartache, toothache, backache, earache or bad pain in the stomach, if you complain of a sore throat ... Читать далее...
7. An elderly patient needed a heart transplantAn elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, «We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd ... Читать далее...
8. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, ... Читать далее...
9. A stuttering problemA man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this ... Читать далее...
10. HEGSThe Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S «What’s that?», the patient asks. «It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.» The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which the Doctor responds, «We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.» «Why only pancackes?», ... Читать далее...
11. After a bad accidentPatient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first… Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had ... Читать далее...
12. The good and the badPatient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we ... Читать далее...
13. The wife of an older man is distraughtThe wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, «listen, I don’t do this for ... Читать далее...
14. Manly signs«Doctor, doctor!» shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. «I think I’m turning into a man» then the doctor says, » Now hold on little lady what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?» » Well» said the woman «I’m starting to grow hair on my chest» and then the doctor asked, ... Читать далее...
15. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-upAn old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when ... Читать далее...
16. Диалог на английском языке с переводом «Осмотр у врача» (At the doctor’s)Patient: Good morning, doctor. Doctor: Good morning. How do you feel today? Patient: I feel better today, but I am still of-colour. I`m sleeping badly and I have no appetite. Doctor: A little run-down, I think. Have you checked your temperature today? Patient: Yes, my temperature is quite normal. Doctor: Get to that couch please. ... Читать далее...
17. Alternative MedicineI have been suffering from back pain for years. I’ve tried several treatments Prescribed by my doctor, but nothing has had a Lasting effect. I finally decided to try Alternative medicine. My friend, Amelia, Swore by acupuncture. She said that her knee pain went away after only a few weeks of Therapy. She was Skeptical ... Читать далее...
18. One doc operated on a person for a herniaOne doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. ... Читать далее...
19. Understanding Drug LabelsBernie: Oh, I’m in so much pain! Where is the Medication we got from the Pharmacy? Gloria: It’s right here, but we need to read the Label first. Okay, these are the Active ingredients and they seem okay. This Warning says that we need To watch out for any Allergic reactions. It also says to ... Читать далее...
20. A Routine ProcedureJulia: Aren’t you nervous about your Surgery next week? Hugh: No, it’s a Routine procedure. I don’t even need To be admitted overnight. Julia: But aren’t you going under General anesthesia? It’s not the same as Local anesthesia, you know. Hugh: Yes, I know. This is an Out-patient procedure. If the doctors don’t think I ... Читать далее...
21. The aged patient doddered intoThe aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint. «Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.» «Come on now Mr Peters,» the doctor said, «your sex drives all in your head.» «Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.»...
22. The following statements were found on patient chartsThe following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: «The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.» «Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.» «The skin was moist ... Читать далее...
23. Nauseous sexPatient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach. Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it. Patient sticks out his tongue…...
24. A young lady walks into a doctors officeA young lady walks into a doctors office. «Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge» The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says «how does that feel?» Young lady, «Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!»...
25. Different TreatmentsA doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, «Yes, I am happy ... Читать далее...
26. When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longerWhen the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient’s wife ... Читать далее...
27. One day a lady went to the doctors officeOne day a lady went to the doctor’s office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that «if you give your ... Читать далее...
28. Passing an examThree patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking ... Читать далее...
29. Taking Prescription DrugsPaula: Okay, I’m off to bed. Marcus: Wait a second. Where are you going with all of those Pill bottles? Paula: My doctor Prescribed a couple of Medications to help me sleep. Marcus: Let me see those. You have four different medications here. This is a Painkiller, this is a Sedative, this is a Tranquilizer, ... Читать далее...
30. Health Insurance PlansAt my company, I have a choice of health insurance plans. We can pick between HMOs and PPOs, and I have been with the same Managed health plan for the past few years. It’s the plan that has the lowest Co-pays and the best Coverage, and the network of doctors is fairly large. The Drug ... Читать далее...
31. A salesman in a strange city was feeling hornyA salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in ... Читать далее...
32. An old woman came into her doctors officeAn old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. «I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?» «Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three ... Читать далее...
33. Fixing an ailmentIn Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They ... Читать далее...
34. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors officeA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, «If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die». 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, ... Читать далее...
35. The wrong definitionWay down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, «Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!» The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, «One of you, here ... Читать далее...
36. A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, «Do you know what I’m ... Читать далее...
37. There was this man in a mental hospitalThere was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. ... Читать далее...
38. The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospitalThe medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, «Sol, I’m happy ... Читать далее...
39. A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really badA man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says «I have some bad news. You have HAGS.» «What is HAGS» the man asks. «It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis» says the doctor. «Oh my God» says the man. «What are you ... Читать далее...
40. The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girlThe wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. ... Читать далее...