Not this time

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1. Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around = the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi. Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the = Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his = stomach, then each shoulder. As Father […]...
2. A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along […]...
3. Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter […]...
4. Marriage quotes 15 All marriages are happy – it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me […]...
5. Перевод слова nursery Nursery – детская комната, питомник Перевод слова A nursery of various kinds of microbes – место размножения различных видов микробов to peer into the nursery-room – заглянуть в детскую nursery education – дошкольное воспитание nursery forest garden – лесной питомник We bought a small tree at the Nursery. Мы купили небольшое дерево в питомнике. We’ve […]...
6. Backward Santa As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”...
7. I have a question A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish […]...
8. Giving Birth in a Hospital It was 2 o’clock in the morning when my wife woke me up. She is eight-and-a-half months Pregnant and she told me that her Water had broken. She said that she was having Contractions and she was sure that she was In labor. I Paged our doctor and drove to the hospital. When we arrived, […]...
9. A stupid dog While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?” Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.” “Oh, come […]...
10. Sad revelations A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the there’s no […]...
11. The man approached the very beautiful woman The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”...
12. This fellow comes to confession This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?” “I lusted,” the fellow replied. “Tell me about it,” the priest said. The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in […]...
13. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
14. Trust thy friend The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. “Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded. “No!” his weeping wife replied. “Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked. “NO!!!” she said […]...
15. A man was complaining to a friend A man was complaining to a friend. “I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”...
16. I had it all A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman…then… pow! … it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Ahhhh… my wife found out…”...
17. The girl knelt in the confessional and said The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” “What is it, child?” “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and […]...
18. Marriage quotes 11 My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one […]...
19. Marriage quotes 05 Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. – Catch-22 Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Don’t marry for money; […]...
20. Criminal steals lumber A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. “What did you take?” his priest asked. “Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two […]...
21. It finally dawned “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone […]...
22. A man spoke frantically into the phone A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the emergency operator asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”...
23. Anybody Home? A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is […]...
24. In the back woods of Arkansas In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” […]...
25. Broken leg “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d […]...
26. A family – Семья When two persons are married, the man is called the husband; the woman becomes his wife. When a child is born in the family, the father and mother of the child are called parents. A family generally consists of a father, a mother and children — sons or daughters or both. The first born child […]...
27. Reward for goodness Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, […]...
28. Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, “Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.” The Father said, “Tell me who […]...
29. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do […]...
30. Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. “Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 […]...
31. Значение идиомы take charge [take charge] {v. phr.} To begin to lead or control; take controlor responsibility; undertake the care or management. When Mrs. Jackson was in the hospital, her sister tookcharge of the Jackson children until Mrs. Jackson could care forthem. The child care class gave a party for the nursery children, and Mary took charge of the […]...
32. Значение идиомы buckle down [buckle down] or [knuckle down] {v.} To give complete attention ; attend. They chatted idly for a few moments then each buckled down to work. Jim was fooling instead of studying; so his father told him to buckle down....
33. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little […]...
34. Значение идиомы make out [make out] {v.} 1. To write the facts asked for ; fill out. The teacher made outthe report cards and gave them to the students to take home. Mrs. Smith gave the clerk in the store some money and the clerk made out areceipt. 2. To see, hear, or understand by trying hard. It wasdark, […]...
35. Sister Ann, arent you putting on a little weight? “Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?” inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. “Why, no Father,” answered the nun demurely, “It’s just a little gas.” A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her […]...
36. Just cut your hair first A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.” Father replies, :”O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months […]...
37. A Trip to the Jewelry Store My wife’s birthday was Coming up And I wanted to get her a special Present. She always tells me to not to Splurge on gifts for her but For once, I decided To pull out all the stops. I went to the Jewelry Store and began looking at all of the Display cases. I started […]...
38. Woman is on a bus A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and […]...
39. Who signed the Declaration of Independence? A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. “Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?” He said, “Damn if I know.” She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, […]...
40. A Trip to the Jewelry Store My wife’s birthday was Coming up And I wanted to get her a special Present. She always tells me to not to Splurge on gifts for her but For once, I decided To pull out all the stops. I went to the Jewelry Store and began looking at all of the Display cases. I started […]...