Jokes

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; «Get gas and free sex here». So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. «Pick a number from 1 — 10 to get free sex.» said the cashier. «Uh, okay, 3!» the man replied. … Читать далее

By David Hyatt J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many major newspapers. They call the campaign «Write if you want work.» My response to the question, «Write the history of the United States in 100 … Читать далее

Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna And who says our controllers don’t have a sense of humor? ———————————————— November 22, 1996 — Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of … Читать далее

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, «I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we … Читать далее

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist … Читать далее

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, «Ma’am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of ‘original sin’?» The hooker replied, «Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it’s «really» … Читать далее

A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. … Читать далее

The huge black dude was getting ready for the electric chair — he had been found guilty of rape and murder. The witnesses to the execution were astonished when the prisoner’s pant leg was cut and a tiny electrode was prepared to be placed on his penis. «Hey don’t look so surprised» the condemned man … Читать далее

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, «So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?» The pirate replies, «We were in a storm at sea, and … Читать далее

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, «George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?» George replied, «God and me are tight. We … Читать далее

Top honors for «Human Projectile of the Month» go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual «Darwin Award». That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Troopers … Читать далее

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, «Oh no! Not right … Читать далее

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply, «Over my dead body!» He downed his drink and replied, «Well, I see you haven’t changed one little bit.»

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, «You’ll have to wait.» «But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.» «Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.» «Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.» So she takes his money … Читать далее

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: «I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.» To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: «That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, … Читать далее

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. «How old was your husband?» he asked. «He was ninety-eight,» she answered softly. «Two years oder than I am.» «Really?» the undertaker said. «Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?»

Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. «Well, what happened when you got there?» Jill asked «The bastard called me a slut!» Mary said. «And what did you do then?» Jill asked, shocked. «I told him to get the … Читать далее

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, «Why are you late little Johnny?» Johnny replied, «My grandpa got burnt, Miss.» The teacher replied, «I hope it wasn’t too bad.» Then little Johnny said, «Don’t worry, the crematorium doesn’t muck around!»

Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. … Читать далее

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. «Fifty dollars for three questions,» replied the lawyer. «Isn’t that awfully steep?» asked the man. «Yes,» the lawyer replied, «and what was your third question?»

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing «AT». When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won’t say a … Читать далее

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how … Читать далее

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, «Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.» «Well,» the doctor replied, «go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say … Читать далее

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over … Читать далее

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So … Читать далее

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking … Читать далее

One neighbor says to the other, «Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife.» Joe responds «The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday.»

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, «If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die». 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, … Читать далее

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says «Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?» The man … Читать далее

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and … Читать далее

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, «I’m off. The man should be here soon» Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the … Читать далее

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, «I give ten dollars.» Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. «I give a thousand dollars!» The minister said, «Lord, hit him again!»

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. … Читать далее

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,» DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential … Читать далее

Another Cow joke I attribute to my ‘Ol chemestry prof was the placement of a cow onto the roof. I would presume a fairly storng roof, but once up there it would be hard to hide the fact to the cow that any direction would be down. Another pratical joke involved the use of outhouses. … Читать далее

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t … Читать далее

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. … Читать далее

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, «What the hell is that all about?» The farmer says, «We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes … Читать далее

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks) 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a … Читать далее

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the … Читать далее

Black And His Son A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight theres a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. «We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the … Читать далее

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. «Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir» says the … Читать далее

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make … Читать далее

You might be a redneck if… More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O. J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not … Читать далее

This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. «What the hell is your problem?» the lady asked. «I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy,» the man moaned. The lady reached … Читать далее

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and … Читать далее

A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread? Barman: No, sorry, we don’t have any bread [After a few minutes] Duck: You got any bread? Barman: Look, we don’t have any bread [In a little while] Duck: You got any bread? Barman: We don’t have any F*****g bread! [Some time later] Duck: … Читать далее

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe … Читать далее

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, «If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.» He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, «If you kiss me and turn me back … Читать далее

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson Aig — What a hen lays Aints — He’s got aints in his paints Paints — What cha put on your laigs of a mornin Arn — Ma’s tard of arnin Bag — He bagged her to marry … Читать далее