Is it worth it?

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1. Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffoldingSteve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two ... Читать далее...
2. A man called the undertaker one afternoonA man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: «Come and bury my wife.» «But I buried your wife ten years ago,» replied the undertaker. «I got married again,» the man sobbed. «Oh,» said the undertaker. «Congratulations.»...
3. Mary was having an affair during the day whileMary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: «Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!» Ralph looked ... Читать далее...
4. Tombstone Epitaph VIA widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted....
5. Перевод слова ninetyNinety — девяносто Перевод слова Ninety houses — девяносто домов ninety times as much — в девяносто раз больше page ninety — девяностая страница ninety-first, ninety-second, etc — девяносто первый, девяносто второй и т. д. I was driving at Ninety kilometres per hour when the front left wheel came off. Я ехал со скоростью 90 ... Читать далее...
6. The homework scheduleHere is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend ... Читать далее...
7. Slight confusionOne night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,»Honey, can you go over ... Читать далее...
8. There was an old married couple that had happilyThere was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she ... Читать далее...
9. All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husbandAll of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, «What was that for?» Wife said, «Because, you are a bad fuck». Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, «And may I ask what’s that about?» Husband said, » ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод слова widowWidow — вдова Перевод слова To console a widow — утешать вдову opulent widow — богатая вдова widow’s allowance — вдовье пособие war widow — вдова убитого на войне He tried to hook a well-off Widow. Он пытался подцепить какую-нибудь состоятельную вдову. The war Widowed many women in the former Yugoslavia Война оставила вдовами многих ... Читать далее...
11. Could you please passThe nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. «I demand proper manners in bed,» she declared, «just as I do at the dinner table.» Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. «Is that better?» ... Читать далее...
12. It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agencyIt seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through ... Читать далее...
13. Saving the situationAfter attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, «What the hell happened?» «As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,» replied the wife. «Piss on him,» answered the husband. «You did,» said the wife, «and he fired ... Читать далее...
14. A henpecked husbandA henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. «You don’t have to let your wife bully you,» he said. «Go home and show her you’re the boss.» The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, «From now ... Читать далее...
15. So at the funeral home, the widow instructsHere’s a sick one… So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband’s penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a ... Читать далее...
16. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversaryA man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, «When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?» The husband replied, «All I wanted to do ... Читать далее...
17. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
18. Humor about Irish MarriagesSome years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving ... Читать далее...
19. A man spoke frantically into the phoneA man spoke frantically into the phone: «My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!» «Is this her first child?» the emergency operator asked. «No, you idiot!» the man shouted. «This is her husband!»...
20. A Blind Mans SportA Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: «I am placed in the door and told when to jump» «My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go» «But how ... Читать далее...
21. What is a breathanalyzer?«Shhaaayyy, buddy, what’s a ‘Breathalyzer’?» asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. «Well, I’d have to say it’s a bag that tells you when you’ve drunk way too much,» answered the equally wasted gent. «Ah hell, whaddya know? I’ve been married to one of those for years and years now!»...
22. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aidA woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, «How many children do you have?» «Ten,» she replied. «What are their names?» he asked. «LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,» she answered. «They’re all named LeRoy?» he asked «What if you want them ... Читать далее...
23. A family was having dinner on Mother’s DayA family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. «Nothing,» said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. «Seriously, what’s wrong?» «Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы wait on[wait on] or [wait upon] {v.} 1. To serve. Sue has a summer jobwaiting on an invalid. The clerk in the store asked if we had beenwaited upon. 2. {formal} To visit as a courtesy or for business. We waited upon the widow out of respect for her husband. Johnwaited upon the President with a ... Читать далее...
25. Mysterious pictureAfter a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. «Is that your husband?» he inquired nervously. «No, silly,» she replied, snuggling up to him. «Your boyfriend then?» ... Читать далее...
26. A young minister, in the first days of his first parishA young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, «I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we ... Читать далее...
27. This woman has her bridge club every Thursday nightThis woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I ... Читать далее...
28. On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were havingOn the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed ... Читать далее...
29. Sneaky, sneakyAlice was becoming frustrated by her husband’s insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night — only to find a cucumber in his hand. «Is THIS», she asked, pointing to the vegetable, «what you’ve been using on me for ... Читать далее...
30. Towards and AwayOne day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, «Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to ... Читать далее...
31. A little boy was excited about his first day at schoolA little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked ... Читать далее...
32. During a recent publicity outingDuring a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. «There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die ... Читать далее...
33. Abe LincolnAn older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, «Going to a party?» «Yeah,» the man answered, «I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.» «But you look like Abe Lincoln,» protested the ... Читать далее...
34. While in prison OJ had another prisoner join him in his cellWhile in prison O. J. had another prisoner join him in his cell. This person was 8′ tall and 670 lbs. of solid muscle. He asked O. J. if he wanted to be the husband or the wife. Now O. J. not being stupid started reasoning in his mind «OK if I say I’m going ... Читать далее...
35. One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little JohnnyOne Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said ... Читать далее...
36. Husband always insisted on making loveHusband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, «You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?» Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, «I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…..»...
37. The local courtroom was packed as testimony beganThe local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been ... Читать далее...
38. Bad Bernie was in prison for seven yearsBad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, «F. F.» His wife turned to him and answered, «E. F.» Out on the highway, he ... Читать далее...
39. A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouseA driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. «Don’t know,» the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview ... Читать далее...
40. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...