A young man comes home and says «Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.» Father replies, :»O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months … Читать далее
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. «Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,» replied his friend. «Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. … Читать далее
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, … Читать далее
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, «I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.» That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, «I’ve never seen anything like that. … Читать далее
The company president called the chief security guard into his office. «Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.» Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, «I’m sorry, Sir. I … Читать далее
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next … Читать далее
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, «You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you.» Joe replied. «Are you crazy?!!» Larry went on to say, «I promise you that it won’t hurt and … Читать далее
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, «I wish you had a flashlight.» He says, «Why’s that?» She says, «Because you’ve been eating grass for fifteen minutes.»
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player Fan: Why’s that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football? They keep drawing! … Читать далее
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. «How are you, Tom?» asked Marvin. «I’m not feeling well today — utterly exhausted,» Tom replied. «I pulled a muscle and it’s killing me.» «That pulled muscle shouldn’t make you so tired, though.» «Well, it does if you … Читать далее
When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, «I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it’s OK to have more than one wife.» That’s true,» he replied, «as a matter of fact I happen to be … Читать далее
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. «No! I’m not doing it anymore!» … Читать далее
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the … Читать далее
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is … Читать далее
IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. … Читать далее
A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in … Читать далее
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, «This was the most wonderful gift I could have … Читать далее
A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, … Читать далее
«Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.» THIS MEANS: 1. He doesn’t feel the way he usually does. 2. He is not in complete control of his hands. 3. His emotions are shattered. 4. His skin is numb. 5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler) … Читать далее
Microsoft Market Penetration -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! ! Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will … Читать далее
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made. «Olympic condoms?» she blurts, «What makes them so special?» «There are three colors,» he explains, «gold, silver and bronze.» «So what color … Читать далее
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would … Читать далее
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled … Читать далее
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig’s ass popping out. The first man says, «I wish that was Demi Moore’s Ass» The second man says, «I wish that was Pamela Anderson’s Ass.» Then the third man says, «I wish … Читать далее
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity — infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together! Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x… Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x? Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. … Читать далее
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. «Your estate is very complex,» said the lawyer, «but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.» Just then, the phone rang and … Читать далее
Salespeople don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as «desktop elephants.» Sent by Alex
Review: The Cat in the Hat By Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the … Читать далее
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming … Читать далее
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. «No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!» Trying to convince him further, «Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.» «No, she … Читать далее
There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they … Читать далее
Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi … Читать далее
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: «Give four advantages of breast milk.» What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can’t … Читать далее
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, «Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the … Читать далее
A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob. He says to her, «Excuse me, aren’t you Karen Carlton, and didn’t you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?» «Yes. How’d you know?» «I never forget a face.»
Why’d the monkey fall outta the tree? ’cause he was dead… Why’d the other monkey fall outta the tree? ’cause he was dead too… Why’d the third monkey fall outta the tree? Peer pressure…
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, «Earl.» «You got a last name, Earl?» «Nope. It’s a long story, Officer.» «I got time.» Earl sighs and says, «Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl … Читать далее
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his … Читать далее
The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife’s bedroom. «Kid’s……there’s good news and bad news.» «The bad news is your mother’s strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago» «The good news … Читать далее
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife, «Maude, when I’m dead and gone… I want you to marry farmer Jones.» «Oh no, I couldn’t marry anyone after you!» Maude replies. «But I want you to, Maude.» «But why?» Maude asks. «Because … Читать далее
Georgia: We Put The «Fun» In Fundamentalist Extremism — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Georgia Jokes Q: Why does a Georgia … Читать далее
It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson’s country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, «You’re looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?» «Having such a popular husband, of course.» «Surely there must be more to it than that, madam.» «Well, there’s Old Hickory’s dickery, doc.»
Little Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, «little boy is your mother home?» Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, «what do you think?»
The British Military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s «206’s»…. — His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. — I would not breed from this Officer. — This Officer is really … Читать далее
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ … Читать далее
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, «How the hell do the two of you have sex?» The big guy says, «I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.» His friend says, «You … Читать далее
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics: 1. Engage the enemy. 2. Draw him into your territory. 3. Wait until winter sets in. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of … Читать далее
New scientific theories 2nd RunnerUp — The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
ClassYou must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high. In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us. You are master in your own house — the doghouse! When you die, I’d like … Читать далее