Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck! Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: … Читать далее
A girl runs home to her mother crying, «I can’t marry Joe! He’s an atheist! He doesn’t believe in God or Jesus or anything! «Don’t worry, Honey,» said her mom. «But Mom, he doesn’t even believe in Hell! «Don’t worry, Honey,» repeated her mom, «you marry him…and we’ll convince him!»
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. LOSE … Читать далее
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, «Just how much is that watch?» «It’s $2000, ma’am.» «Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?» «Just what sort of ‘time schedule’ did you have in mind?» «I … Читать далее
GIRL’S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. «So me and my cousin were alone in the house,» she continued, «and went up to my bedroom…» «Go on, my child,» said the priest gently. «I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on … Читать далее
When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: «I’ll give you a hint. First it’s in your hand, then it’s in your mouth, and then it’s in your tummy.» The teacher smiled and said: … Читать далее
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was. They ask the waiter who replies «Oh Sister, those are nuts.» She answers «Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?» «No. The kind you rock on a crack.»
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it … Читать далее
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. «I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.» When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by … Читать далее
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more … Читать далее
There’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on … Читать далее
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you look so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me…six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to … Читать далее
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his … Читать далее
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. ‘Pop,’ he says, ‘you can’t run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.’ But Abraham, the man … Читать далее
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old … Читать далее
On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, «I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.» The guy on the left says, «I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.» «The guy … Читать далее
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing. … Читать далее
Administratrium, The New Element AMES, IA — The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant … Читать далее
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I … Читать далее
Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured? A: One is far more painful to your ears. Q: What’s the name of a good English horn player? A: I’ll tell you when I meet one. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? … Читать далее
«Old Jethro’s next door’s a-makin’ moonshine again.» the wife told her husband. «How can you tell?» he asked. «Did you smell it?» «Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats. . .»
«Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.» «If this doesn’t work, beat the shark with your stump.»
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. «Aaah!» he said. «We’re right over my homeland.» «How can you tell?» asked the American. «I can feel the cold air.» he replied. … Читать далее
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, … Читать далее
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. «Heavens,» she cried, «it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.» The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the … Читать далее
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance? «Look, a herd of elephants in the distance» What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance? Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in … Читать далее
Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall — a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight pin. Naturally they won’t believe, so you set out to prove it. Get a glass of water and a pin. Hold the glass up to the wall and start to pin … Читать далее
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination. «Mrs. Brown,» he said, «I have some good news for you.» The woman said, «I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,» «Miss Brown,» said the doctor without changing expression, «I have bad news for you.»
An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has … Читать далее
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone. I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on … Читать далее
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went … Читать далее
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, «That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!» The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, «The driver has just insulted me!» The man says, «There’s no call … Читать далее
One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said «you don’t have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too … Читать далее
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, «Mommy, can little girls have babies?» «No», said his mom, «of course not.» Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, «It’s okay, we can play that game again!»
A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: «I’d like to become the next President of the United States.» The receptionist: «What are you, an idiot?» Redneck: «Why, is it required?»
«I’ve had it with my wife.» said the one drinking buddy to the other. «I’m filing for an divorce.» «Sorry to hear that pal.» said his partner. «May I ask why?» «I found her supply of birth control pills.» said the first. «Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see … Читать далее
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the «not raising hogs» business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and … Читать далее
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, «Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around … Читать далее
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When … Читать далее
The company sergent is briefing the recruits: «For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you…»
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.» «Well,» answered the Priest, «That’s no a sin.» «But I made him pay me 20 … Читать далее
It’s So Easy (Tune, It’s so Easy) It’s with Cesium I’m in love! It’s with Cesium I’m in love! People say that I’m a fool, When I take my Cesium into the pool. And it’s so easy, So doggone easy, Yes it’s so easy, Where my love’s concerned, To get myself burned. But it’s with … Читать далее
A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and scarf and says, «I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and came right away, but what could «I» possibly do to save the country?» Mrs. Clinton: «Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit…»
The Chemistry Teacher’s Coming to Town You better not weigh You better not heat You better not react I’m telling you now The Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town. He’s collecting data He’s checking it twice He’s gonna find out The heat of melting ice The Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town. He sees you when you’re … Читать далее
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. … Читать далее
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT — With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all … Читать далее
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, «Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.» «Hans Olaffsen?», he muses. «How in hell does that fit in here?» So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind … Читать далее
There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick. The guy with the rubber dick couldn’t have sex because it wasn’t hard. The guy with the wooden dick couldn’t have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with … Читать далее
Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies … Читать далее