After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn’t look like a … Читать далее
In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on complete secrecy. When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all over the prairie, and in the center a cow … Читать далее
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, «Now, who is going to tell the wife?» They draw straws. Rippington, who … Читать далее
Once man came to doctor and said to him that his balls don’t work. doctor implanted to him one iron and one wooden ball. in some years they meet in the street and doctor asked him. ooo how are your balls working? the man: they work perfectly. I have 2 boys-one’s name is Robocob and … Читать далее
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, … Читать далее
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, «Is there anything on you that you’d like to change?» She said, «Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?» God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, «What am I going … Читать далее
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, «It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give … Читать далее
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later he received this letter. Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb … Читать далее
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, «What’s the matter?» He says, «Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it … Читать далее
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, «What do you want on your back for your whipping?» The German responds, «I will take oil!» So they put oil on his back, and … Читать далее
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a … Читать далее
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, «W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?» The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: «W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?» Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: … Читать далее
A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting. Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and … Читать далее
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal. «No,» he said, «I don’t believe I’ll need it. I’ll just grab onto her ears and hold on … Читать далее
Immodest Proposal #1: Daylight Savings Time Reform Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep. phy. syr. edu It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to Daylight Savings Time (DST). Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We all get an extra hour to sleep, … Читать далее
Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to them, «Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!» The girls stop and look at each other. «Well I suppose we could always eat the third one!»
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. «She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.» said one doctor. «Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!» The … Читать далее
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. «Ah…..» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.» «That’s what you think,» said the … Читать далее
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, «I’m drawing God.» The teacher paused and said, «But no one knows what God … Читать далее
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected? His Father: Everyone will have what he needs. LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat? HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, «No one needs meat today.»
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. «I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,» said the first guy. «Bet you $10 he won’t,» said the second guy. Then, the guy on … Читать далее
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, «When did you bag him?» The host said proudly, «That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.» «What’s he stuffed with,» asked the visiting hunter. «My ex-wife» … Читать далее
ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular … Читать далее
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, «oh miss, oh … Читать далее
Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. «Hey, Billy Joe,» one said, «I think that’s Mother Teresa.» «Your nuts.» «I’m telling you.» They approached the woman and one asked, «Are you Mother Teresa?» The old lady eyed them scornfully. «Fuck off, you goddamn perverts,» she hissed, … Читать далее
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: «You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that … Читать далее
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, ‘I will grant you three wishes.’ The man’s first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the … Читать далее
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came … Читать далее
A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. «What’s underneath your kilt?», she asked him. «Why don’t you take a look», he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt. then let it go,»Oh, it’s gruesome!» «Well, why don’t you take another look, it … Читать далее
Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and Massachusetts. «Ebonics,» a neologism created by combining «Ebony» and «phonics,» is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called «Bubbonics!» Created from mixing «Bubba» and «phonics,» … Читать далее
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, «I’m going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.» The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, «Not big enough.» She brings out a bigger one. He says, «Still not big enough.» She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, «Still … Читать далее
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the … Читать далее
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. «Do you know what time we quit around here?» he asked. «Sure!» the girl nervously giggled. «Whenever somebody knocks on the door.»
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.
There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called «lady of the night». She says, «For $300.00, I’ll do anything you want.» Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: Ok. Paint my house, bitch!
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, «Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?» The flattered husband said, «No, dear they haven’t.» The wife yells, «Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?»
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Wednesday, October 21, 1992 In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear on the «Sally Jessy Raphael» show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting … Читать далее
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He … Читать далее
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, «Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said «Give me Liberty, or give me Death?» She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his … Читать далее
1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a. m. 2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive … Читать далее
THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!! It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don’t read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out to dinner. 2. … Читать далее
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, «Young man, you’re much too young to smoke!» The kid … Читать далее
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, «I … Читать далее
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. … Читать далее
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled «Well you’re an ugly bitch anyway!» The girl turned around and replied «It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won’t give you … Читать далее
These two sperm were swimmin’ around, doin’ their thing and one sperm asks the other…Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube??? Sperm #2 says «Naaaa this is still the esophagus».
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks «I can outrun this guy,» so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — … Читать далее
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, «What’s a four — letter word ending in «unt» which means «woman»? The bishop said, «Did you try «aunt»? The Pope said, «Mmmm. Do you … Читать далее
THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, «I THINK I’LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE A BATH.» SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE … Читать далее